A Baker's dozen worth of jokes (with three bonus tracks)

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I asked "Implants?" and she hit me.

I don't do drugs.  I get the same effect just by standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea!"

I live in my own little world but it's ok, they know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas, but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner. 

If flying is so safe, then why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the Fool's. 

I love being married.  It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've managed to stay alive.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!”

So..... where are the jokes?

Oh that's right, Straummy's got them all.

I was giving blood at my local health centre the other day when in walked an Orc...

"Are you giving blood as well?" I asked

"No" he replied "...I've got too much Haemogoblin"

When i die I want to go peaceful in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like his passengers...