ANSWERS DON'T FALL FROM THE SKY - Alternate version wins

Hi all, I've been happily working in X3 since it came out, and here is the fruit of my labor.  This is a prequel to a song I wrote several years ago about a young girl, abandoned by her mother, that grows up with a good life in spite of all she had to overcome.  In this song, I go back in time to tell the circumstances of her mother's struggle with raising two young children by herself.  This whole story has a basis in real life, being about people I know well.  I welcome your comments and advice, and I thank all of you in advance.  I hope you enjoy.
 
UPDATE 10/30: Here is the same song with an alternative drum pattern, as was suggested by several people.
It can be found here: http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=12553180&q=hi
 
The lyrics are here:
 
She works all day while her kids are in school
So she can pay her bills
Her "brother" comes over every night because he's
Always looking for thrills
  And it gets complicated
  Because they're not related
  Her kids are getting older
  Their questions getting bolder
 
CHORUS:  But, answers don't fall from the sky
                  The answers don't fall from the sky
 
She'd like to travel and see other places
Cause she's never been anywhere
Every morning there a  bus going South
And, she would dearly love to be there
  But, she can't run away
  She feels compelled to stay
  Her kids are getting older
  Their questions getting bolder
 
CHORUS
 
BRIDGE:      Sometimes she's so frustrated she starts to cry
                  Some love is overrated, she wonders why
                  She's in the grip of something she can't control
                  Afraid she'll be left with nothing, deep in the hole
 
Her little girl's coming down with the flu
So she has to stay home from work
She'd pay her "brother" to sit with her girl
If he wasn't such a jerk
  When she looks back on this
  There's things that she won't miss
  Her kids are getting older
  Their questions getting bolder
 
CHORUS

Hey Lynn, I love the trippy synth lead sound at the very beginning of the song, but it never comes back again!  There's a "sort of similar" part from about 1:05 to 1:20, and again from 2:10 to 2:25, but those have totally different sustain.  Did the FX get lost in the mixdown?  Or are they just different parts?
 
The songwriting seems very personal on this one.  I always find those kinds of things hard to write about, so my hat's off to your great effort here.  Some clever lyrics too.  Nice!
 
Personally I don't love the shuffle beat you're using on the bridge and chorus parts, but it is similar to other songs you've done in the past so we will have to agree to disagree on that point. ;)  I do really like the straight beat you've got going during the intro and verses.  It has more punch to it than the shuffle beat, IMO.
 
Great work Lynn!

Guitarhacker
cool tune.... original sounding.... I like it.

Waltenstein Studios
Hey Lynn, I love the trippy synth lead sound at the very beginning of the song, but it never comes back again!  There's a "sort of similar" part from about 1:05 to 1:20, and again from 2:10 to 2:25, but those have totally different sustain.  Did the FX get lost in the mixdown?  Or are they just different parts?
 
The songwriting seems very personal on this one.  I always find those kinds of things hard to write about, so my hat's off to your great effort here.  Some clever lyrics too.  Nice!
 
Personally I don't love the shuffle beat you're using on the bridge and chorus parts, but it is similar to other songs you've done in the past so we will have to agree to disagree on that point. ;)  I do really like the straight beat you've got going during the intro and verses.  It has more punch to it than the shuffle beat, IMO.
 
Great work Lynn!

Freddy J
You have got a very interesting sounding song going on here Lynn.  Great lyrics and I really like that bass line that you have throughout the song.  It sounds as if the experience in this song is all too common with too many families.
Nice one!

Herb, thanks for your kind comments.  I'm happy you like it!

Walt, I enjoy reading your responses to my  songs because I can tell you really listen carefully.  As for the synth in the intro, it's exactly the same as the others you pointed out.  I just chose to play different patterns so as not to be overly  redundant.  I was going to throw in some guitar licks there, but I cut the index finger of my left hand about two months ago, so I'm still waiting for it to heal, and I chose to let those synth parts stand.  I'm using the shuffle beat more often because for years I mainly used straight beats in my songs due to lack of programming skills for drumming.  I must be careful not to overdo it!
 
Freddy, thanks for weighing in and your generous reply.  Keep up your own good work!

Lynn
I was going to throw in some guitar licks there, but I cut the index finger of my left hand about two months ago, so I'm still waiting for it to heal, and I chose to let those synth parts stand.

I hope you're back in guitar form soon Lynn!  Two months is a long while to be nursing a wound.  I'm sure you're getting impatient.  Get well soon. :)

Not my favorite from you, but it has its moments. I don't like when the drums are doing that thing that sounds like a marching band (on the snare) and there's an organ there too that doesn't seem to fit (to me).
 
May could ease off of the limiter a bit? I don't see the wave but as I was backing down the volume when it started, I had to rip the buds out of my ears :-( So it may be mixed up a little hot? 
 
Sorry, I'd like to say only good things all of the time, I mean no disrespect. Without Hell, there can be no Heaven, so I'll polish up my halo for the next one :-)

Nice funky riff.  I like the vocal effects, too.  Mostly nice story-telling.  Really like the odd bits that really add some texture - like the organ about 3:00 in. 
 
@

Sounds great, Lynn. Always enjoy your songs.

@Chas- As I do yours.  Thanks for dropping by.
 
@Dan- I grok your point exactly.  You laid out your POV perfectly, and I agree.  I will make a change that may satisfy a few suggestions.  This is why I love this forum, especially since I work alone and have little outside input. 

@Mark- Your words are a breath of fresh air.  I'm going to make an adjustment to the drum part just to hear how it sounds, but I'm not touching anything else, for now.  Thanks for taking the time.

Hey Lynn, I like what you've done with the drums in the chorus.  I think changing the beat there makes sense musically and lets your vocal refrain have some more space.  That being said, it's your song!  Don't lose touch with your own artistic vision, even if others (including me sometimes) disagree.

@ Robbie - Thanks for listening again and for pointing me in the right direction.
 
@ Walt - Thank you for you advice.  In this case, having second opinions did pay off.  I, too, like the new arrangement.
 
@ Tim - Thank you so much for having a listen.  I can't say enough for all you guys.

Lynn, That's much better sounding with what you have done on this alternative version. I was even bobbing my head along with it. I knew something was lacking in the other version and the drum beat and sound must have been it. Nicely done. Liked it.
 
Peace and Blessings, John

Nailed it!
 
Regards,
Dan
 

Yeah, sometimes when people's noses are somewhere other than (well you know... "What can Brown do for you today?") It can help quite a bit! 
 
Of course it also feels pretty good when they are, well you know? Both can be helpful... Noses in different places? (There's a song in there somewhere.) However, "ears" and different perspective I agree is what can be most valuable here.
 
The stroking of the ego is good too! But too much stroking can lead to premature infatuation? And, we all want to prolong our infatuation if possible, and don't want to enjoy it prematurely? But rather, "when it is time." Infatuation based on the critiques of our performances of course? When the time is right, that's when it's best... I'm glad you got a better final mix :-D That's more important that other thing?

nice one
sounds like 80`s
so many varies and that's good
nicely combined
it has all what a good song needs.
All the Best