As befits the holiday: how about an Irish joke?

 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
 
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
 
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
 
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
 
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
 
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
 
 
 

 
 
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting for him. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints of Guinness."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more Guinness. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said,” I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
 
 
 

 
In direct response to the current drought in Ireland, Dublin City Council have decided that to save water, it will be closing lanes 7 and 8 of the municipal swimming pool.

 
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"
 
The other guy says "Ireland."
The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.
 
Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"
 
"Dublin."
 
"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.
 
Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"
 
"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.
 
"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they drink down another round.
 
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?"
 
The bartender answers, "Nothing much... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."