AnsweredBapu's (and others) random thoughts for the day.

SteveStrummerUK


Has anybody said 'arse' yet today?

No, mebee you could?
(after you finnish your feckin' geetar tracks )

bapu

craigb

bapu


The forum software sux.

The fred has 3297 posts but the main page say 3295. Whaaaaaa?

There were two that actually had content and had to be removed.

HTH.

I can't be arsed to find them.


Were they the monkey arse?

If I were to venture a guess, I'd say a couple of Strummy's jokes - lol!

Apparently, when Gary Lineker says "Krakov" and the screen cuts to Gabbi Logan, this is NOT an instruction....











And it'll be a long time before I'm allowed in Dixons again.

I've just been fired from my window cleaning job....
 





I lost my rag.

 
A mate of mine said "I'm going to draw what's essentially a transparent cross section of a building from above".

 
 
 
 
 
 
"That sounds like a plan" I said.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

SteveStrummerUK


Apparently, when Gary Lineker says "Krakov" and the screen cuts to Gabbi Logan, this is NOT an instruction....











And it'll be a long time before I'm allowed in Dixons again.

funny but limited appeal. Do you know any jokes about brummies that only you and me would get?

daryl1968

SteveStrummerUK


Apparently, when Gary Lineker says "Krakov" and the screen cuts to Gabbi Logan, this is NOT an instruction....











And it'll be a long time before I'm allowed in Dixons again.

funny but limited appeal. Do you know any jokes about brummies that only you and me would get?

 
All of them!
 
 
I lived in Selly Park for 8 months
 
 

SteveStrummerUK

daryl1968

SteveStrummerUK


Apparently, when Gary Lineker says "Krakov" and the screen cuts to Gabbi Logan, this is NOT an instruction....











And it'll be a long time before I'm allowed in Dixons again.

funny but limited appeal. Do you know any jokes about brummies that only you and me would get?

 
All of them!
 
 
I lived in Selly Park for 8 months
 
 

commiserations mate

Just the fact that you have a street named...



...is humor enough for me!

Hehe...

Probably the single, and most frustrating thing about social media websites like Twitter, is the fact that you only get 140 characters to us
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
You counted 'em, didn't you
 
 
 

craigb


Just the fact that you have a street named...



...is humor enough for me!

Hehe...

Strummy and I live/lived near places called 'Lickey End', Upper Piddle and Lower Piddle

And the wonderfully named 'Bell End'

 
For Daryl's eyes only
 
 
 
A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did."

"Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies.

"You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.

"Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.

"Birmingham," he replies.

"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, "About the same feckin' state as this really..."
 
 
 
 
 

Spaghetti Junction has celebrated its 40th birthday. It's been named as Britain's favourite road interchange...






It's easy to see why, it gives you so many ways of avoiding Birmingham.

See this is what truely makes this FSF, Thee FSF (minus the two that had to be deleted). 

SteveStrummerUK


 
For Daryl's eyes only
 
 
 
A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did."

"Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies.

"You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.

"Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.

"Birmingham," he replies.

"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, "About the same feckin' state as this really..."
 
 
 
 
 

:)
 
I worked in New Oscott which is right on the outskirts of the Black Country/Wolverhampton. It's like a totally different language - loads of yams and babs. Great sense of humour around there though.

I was on the train earlier when I accidently walked in on a girl using the bathroom.

I quickly apologised and closed the door.









"Can you get the feck out?" She said.

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs...




....but he has admitted pedalling.

bapu

daryl1968

bapu


The forum software sux.

The fred has 3297 posts but the main page say 3295. Whaaaaaa?

it's a conspiracy

Then I'll need some Immodium AD?

wrong fred.  that's the discussion about Mexican water, no?

I'm really lurving Page 111....




Or 'Pagina CXI' as we say in Latin.

Beagle

bapu

daryl1968

bapu


The forum software sux.

The fred has 3297 posts but the main page say 3295. Whaaaaaa?

it's a conspiracy

Then I'll need some Immodium AD?

wrong fred.  that's the discussion about Mexican water, no?

SteveStrummerUK


I'm really lurving Page 111....




Or 'Pagina CXI' as we say in Latin.

Ya. It's like being number 1 three times in a row, huh?

 
Some Top Tips (courtesy of Viz magazine):
 
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of becan.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

bapu

SteveStrummerUK


I'm really lurving Page 111....




Or 'Pagina CXI' as we say in Latin.

Ya. It's like being number 1 three times in a row, huh?

fnar - Pagina

Boiley eggs cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

Public toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

Commuters: Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by riding a black cab home and holding up laminated numbers.

MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS. Attach a string of bananas behind your vehicle for that exciting Mario Kart look.

Deaf people,wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

SteveStrummerUK


 
Some Top Tips (courtesy of Viz magazine):
 
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of becan.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

My favourite ever Viz character was Mickey's Monkey Spunk Moped

Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.


Experience the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.


People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

A ladder, turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down off things.


Drivers, If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.


Actors - Improve your chances of being in a Tim Burton film by becoming Helena Bonham-Carter.

LIDL. Consider giving away a free nail brush with your cheapest one-ply toilet roll.


Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

Old ladies. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.

My favourite...


Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.

I used to subscribe to Viz...


Does that say something about my level of maturity

LIDL. Consider giving away a free nail brush with your cheapest one-ply toilet roll.

LSHLTRCOMN!

 
I love the VIZ ads...
 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

Carol, the Mathematician,got cleavage!!!!

Coup d'etat!  There's a new sherriff in this fred!  The king is dead--long live the king. 

Sir Strummy's taken over and made this fred Crap Jokes 2.  Well played, Sir. 

Can I at least have credit for the "set up"?

what next? Monkiees eating bacon flavored sundaes???

arse

Too early for a countdown?

To Insanity?

bapu


To Insanity?

well, I suppose it is, yes.
You never miss a chance for a plug do you?

daryl1968

bapu


To Insanity?

well, I suppose it is, yes.
You never miss a chance for a plug do you?

What's that? You want a plug from me?


HERE'S ONE:

Old55


Coup d'etat!  

Is that a child with cooties?


EWE!!!!

bapu


Can I at least have credit for the "set up"?

Of  course.  I just noticed the pattern developing. 

bapu

Old55


Coup d'etat!  

Is that a child with cooties?


EWE!!!!

I thought it was a car.

daryl1968


Too early for a countdown?

Far Corfe

paulo

daryl1968


Too early for a countdown?

Far Corfe

Scarborough Fair?  

Old55

bapu


Can I at least have credit for the "set up"?

Of  course.  I just noticed the pattern developing. 

A good, funny pattern--BTW.  I wanted to bust Bapu a little, while I had the chance.  I hope you don't run out of  jokes, Steve.  They're good'uns.  

Forum Super Thread, all this time I thought you were dead.
Forum Super Thread so sublime, just turns out you'd gone to bed.

YAY!!!

Three cheers for Bapu for creating this Super Fred for us all to share.

Well done mate, keep up the good work.

It has a bit of everything doesn't it?

I don't know because I can't be arsed to read it.

Bapu 3 - Arse 2

 
The American Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam".
 
 
 

I visited a Native American village yesterday, saw a tree in the middle of the village that was full of testicles....



It was a scrotum pole.