Beware the Sigh

So, kid #1 was off from school yesterday (Parent Teacher Conferences), and that was fine, even though it meant no studio time for me.  I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, after all.  Today, he is home sick, and I made the mistake of sighing as my husband left for work.  

"What does it matter? What do you do anyway?" he says.

Ummmm.. Music???????  Yeah, I know that doesn't qualify as much of anything in your eyes.  Sorry I didn't get my PhD, Dr. 

Dang it.  Hate days like this.

He doesn't mean to make me feel like a loser, but he just doesn't SEE sometimes.  Bleh.  Rant over.

Hmmm. Good idea. :)

Sympathies Jules I do not know how I used to find time to go to work, now it is only when Mrs Wookiee has a rest in the pm that I get music time.  Even that is interrupted by regular checks on Mrs Wookiee and Trudy dog.

My father in law calls me a "Kept *itch" because I don't have a job. And he doesn't mean it in a jovial manner. He's an a$$hole, no other way to describe him to be honest. The last thing he said to me before I cut ties with him was, "I don't need family, I have friends.". He's said a lot of $hit to me over the years that I let roll off my back, but at that point it boiled to a head and I was d - o - n - e.

My wife does it to me all the time, so did my father in law when I still spoke to him. I'm really glad she's gone this week ... she was getting on my nerves, which is what I have feared for some time now since she got a new job where she doesn't travel much anymore.

Sometimes people just don't get what their words can do ... It really hurts when someone throws that stuff in your face and I feel bad for you Julie.

And like Beagle said, what you do is every bit a job as someone who leaves the house every day from 8 ~ 5.

Wow, Bub.  That's awful.  At least I'm female and have history and Things like The Feminine Mystique behind me (meaning ony that there is tradition of womanly support).. Men at home is so much less conventional and lacking a feeling of sisterhood/brotherhood, I imagine. :(

  Sorry to hear that your day isn't going well Jubilee. I tend to agree with Mesh on what men say sometimes. In general we say the worst things to the people closest to us. I wish it wasn't that way. Never could understand why we vent frustrations and say things to those we love the most,seems it should go the other way around.

 This week I was on the recieving end of a misunderstanding but I have also been on the other side of it and said the wrong things. I am a pretty vocal person when something bothers me and I usually try and get all of the "mess' out in the open and solved instead of holding a grudge. The pot boils and then cools down for me. I feel better afterwards. I know other people are different.

 The implication that you do nothing would offend anyone and I'll bet it is a pretty common thing with couples having one working and the other home. It is all too easy to come home and think from outward observations that nothing much has happened. I think a little bit of it also has to do with an underlying desire from the other person to also be at home and not working. They might not admit that but in many cases I think this is true. A little resentment as a result of that.....but what do I know lol.

 Hope tomorrow is better.

julibee

Mesh


My good lady is a stay home mom (by choice) and I tell her that I could never be able to do 1/2 the things she does nor do it that well. Of course, we have 3 wittle ones under 6 and think it's a Blessing for MOM to actually bring up/guide/take part in our childrens lives. 

Sometimes (in my case most of the time), us men just blurt out things without the slightest thought or of the consequences and then generally learn to regret what we've said, but then again, our species are a work in progress. 


   

Generally speaking, he is supportive of my stay at home life-- in fact, as much as he would like to believe otherwise (he is very liberal on the ideas of equality, etc) he would like me to be even more Donna Reed-like, but that isn't who I am. I am to a point.  A very fine point.  I am more than happy to be super mom.  And I relish it when I get to make costumes, paint bedrooms, do creative things with the kids, etc (that's what I'm really good at), but I also have to have my own thing, too.  I see him off to work each day, and while I have no desire to rejoin a traditional workforce, I am jealous of his life outside.  I do miss that.  I feel like everything I do revolves around four walls and four people.  Pretty small.

He is extremely helpful... Loads the dishwasher after I've made dinner, he often does the laundry and vacuums for me, etc.  He is not a bum.




But yeah.  Insensitive sometimes. 

Truly understandable.
 
What has worked for us is that Saturdays are for whatever she likes to do that day (she generally loves going to Farmers Markets) and we all just go with the flow.
 
Julibee, I vote for you having a "special day(s)" to do as you please!!  

Well you gave him kids and I'd imagine the house is kept up a lot better than he'd be able to do on his own, someone's around to deal with kid emergencies, let in maintenance people, handle bills, answer the phone, etc. Do you do groceries? Cook? Make sure he has underwear that isn't from Reagan administration? 

Make a list of all the things you do... not to toss at him but to remind yourself of your own value. It's easy to lose sight of ones worth without a "traditional" job but stay at home mom's and homemakers were considered imperative to a functioning, stable family for most of history. I know many people these days think they can juggle it all but IMO not having at least one parent (mom or dad) in the home to keep an eye on things doesn't necessarily cheat the kids but it certainly doesn't help them.

I was a latchkey kid and I got into all SORTS of craziness and was probably malnourished because there just wasn't any proper food around... not for lack of funds but nobody was shopping or cooking. I had to take care of my baby brother for hours every day and I was just a little kid myself. If I hadn't started playing guitar I probably would have gotten into a gang or something stupid. It's even HARDER to keep kids straight these days too.

So unless you're Peggy Bundy or something (which I doubt) playing the matriarchal role is crucial not only for your own family but for society as a whole. Also the fact you create music in your downtime is far more laudable than watching soaps or talk shows like many stay at home parents do (and there isn't anything wrong with that either because without a break you'd burn out). Besides you might end up with a hit song and end up bringing in more cash than he does. 

You have every right to be disappointed your plans for the day got skewed. If you flipped out on him or outright neglected the responsibility then his sentiments might be warranted but sounds to me like he's just falling into the classic bread winner mentality that his time is worth more because there is a dollar amount attached to it. It's easy to get stuck in that mindset but if he's reasonable he might already have realized that line of though is flawed. Maybe you'll get some flowers when he gets home... if he has any clue what he's doing anyway.

;-)

Man, is it nice to have friends.  A sincere thank you for making this temporarily de-railed momma–singer smile.  I feel better now. 

Strange coincidence that you post this today. After a bit more than a month off, rehearsals for the show start today, so my wife is going back to work. And I, well...

When I first met her, I had a fairly decent job and I was the one w/ the steady income, whereas she was having a rather tough year, in between contracts and all. 

When she signed w/ Cirque, I tried all I could to keep my job as a telecommuter (I was already working remotely) but there were cuts to be made and they used that as an excuse to let me go.
 
There was just no way that we'd be separated for such extended periods of time, so...

Anyway, I find myself in a situation where I cannot legally work here in the US. So I usually refer to myself as a "houseband" - mix of housewife, husband, and, well, house band.

I do all the "housewife" stuff so that she can be 100% focused on the show and doesn't have to worry about a thing - and I actually enjoy it (though washing and taking care of ladies clothes can be a nightmare when you're just a guy). lol 

Then I write music for her next album the rest of the time.

Of course, it is a dream come true to be able to just work on music. But it's not like I'm entirely comfortable w/ my situation either. I used to always buy her little presents and take her out and such - those were the things that motivated me to go through the day at work - to be able to spoil her and to take care of everything.

Fortunately, unlike Bub, I have the best in-laws in the world. They know that I'm not a freeloader, and that we're only taking turns. And it's not like I'm just sitting on my ass either. They know we're working on music, they know that she always walk into a clean house, that I take care of the meals and all and that I never missed a single night walking up to Radio City to walk her home after work, so that she's safe and all.

And my wife herself always introduce me as "a musician/songwriter", which helps the ego.

I'm currently waiting and crossing my fingers for a possible contract w/ someone ready to push to get my visa modified so that I can legally work here. Studio work, which would be insanely sweet per se, and provide me w/ a bit of cash to spoil her again, while allowing me to keep up w/ the housewife activities.

Rain

Fortunately, unlike Bub, I have the best in-laws in the world. They know that I'm not a freeloader, and that we're only taking turns. And it's not like I'm just sitting on my ass either.

You know how to hurt a guy! LOL!

Old55


You're allowed to rant, Jules.  We're here to listen. 

+1

Rain

I thought it came out as empathic - that's how I intended it. :)

I knew what you meant, it was still funny though. :)

Bub

craigb

(Psst...  Hey Bub, her name's not Julie! )
 

Is it Lisa?

Probably better than...
 

 

I agree with that sentiment Steve because my inner feminist (despite my wingdoodle I'm a bra burner at heart) gets infuriated hearing this type of stuff. However it might be just a case of a silly dude forgetting what he has and letting his mouth run to places it shouldn't (we've all done it). 

I'm still holding out hope for a nice bouqet of flowers and a forlorn expression when the dude gets home. No need for outright conflict when a good old fashion guiltin' will do the job.

;-)