Casualty of War (4th VERSION)

I have been working on my old expired computer trying to salvage what files that I can.  So far, I have been able to get most of what I needed to complete (a relative term) this song.  However, I'm not sure that is good.  I have played this song for three people and have not gotten stellar reviews.  The following are the results:  "the music is OK but I hate the lyrics (my wife); "oh, this is kind of depressing" (my sister); and "eh" (my son).  So, with that great feedback I thought I would try this number out on the forum.  It is a song about war.  It looks as if our species has no plans to stop the insanity of war -- at least in the short term.  IMHO (and others) it would seem that if a country (any country) is asking for young men and women to serve the country then it has an obligation to them.  That obligation includes the families who love and count on those young women and men.  This song takes the perspective of the person serving their country who is facing his/her demise and is worried about their family. 
 
It is a wee bit different than my usual stuff.  So, with that background I would be appreciative of any feedback that you might have concerning this number.  Thanks!
 
Casualty of War
 http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=963481
 
Freddy J

Ditto, but I'm still a fan and looking forward to the next big hit!
 
This chicken tried to make it to the bone but fell short.

Hi, Freddy, I share your feelings or misgivings about the way we treat our veterans once we're through with them.  Thank you for expressing this in song form.  I have no problem with the technical aspects of this production, but some of the lyrics are a bit awkwardly phrased.  That is all I have to offer for this song.  If you make any changes, let us know, and I'll be glad to listen to this again however often.  Just tell it like it is, and you'll do fine.

Fredaaaaay, I would redo the drums man, that rolling ratta tat tat snare beat is fatiguing. Remember, sometimes "less is more" especially on drums. And I've also been known to use that line on or about the 3rd date?
 
And please note, all chickens can not be to the bone.

I tend to agree with James G on this one Freddy...  Keep at it brother...

Wow!  There's a lot of sweet and magical stuff 'clothing' a strong-yet awkward message here!

A little scratchy, but this is totally awesome to my ears (Adams monitors).

I SO LOVE this, man!  This made my eve!!!! 
A+++
10/10
 
My fav of the songs-forum to date ... (except for one of Yoyo's astonishing orchestrals) ... this is out-of-the-box, non-stereotypical sweetness, loveliness, fun, and reality+

(oops again ... server issues)

thanks for sharing Freddy.

The lyrics are very controversial and that's OK.  I wanted to point out that my comments are not because of the content of the lyrics.

but I don't like the mix or the instrumentation on this, it seems a big step back from your latest stuff, back to when you first started posting here, IMO (as we all were!).

so, add me also to "not my favorite from you" - but I think you could improve this a lot with better recorded instrumentation and better mixing.

Reece and Shad:  Thanks for your valued input.  It is appreciated and the message has been received.
 
Thank you again to all that responded to the song.  If I am not mistaken, the over all message that I received is that there is a real problem and conflict in this song among the lyrics, melody, and music (instrumentation).  My attention has been diverted for the past few days by other tasks but tropical storm Debbie has provided us with enough bad weather that I have had the time to consider what to do with this wreck of a song.  With my limitations that wasn't easy!!  I have decided to use Ben's idea of going acoustic.  So it is now an acoustic song that has been slowed-up and striped down quite a bit.  I have also been trying to concentrate on making music-lyrics-and melody more compatible. 
Soooooo, I am curious to see if I am on the right track.  I would be very appreciative if you would listen to the new version and provide me again with any comments, crit.'s, and suggestions.
Thanks one more time.
 
Casualty of War (NEW VERSION)
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=963481
 
Freddy J

This is better, but some of the harmonies need some love in a few spots.

"Mr. politian I'm dying from what you did do" doesn't seem to fit. It feels like it was forced for the rhym. The music doesn't always have to rhym in rhythem. There's a carpenters rule that says "if it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed to be replaced." But that doesn't necessarily apply to lyrics.

Gosh Freddy, this song has so much potential. I really like the idea behind this version, but again the lyrics are just not there. Consider some changes like "serve my self, and everyone else" instead of "and my country"; change "enemy" to "foe", things like that.

I know the message is vital to you (I can hear it in earnest) but a few "musical" changes to the lyrics should not harm the message at all.

I would also drop the harmony. Just sing the chorus solo.

Regards
Shad

Edit: Maybe consider changing the lyrics from first to third person.

Getting better Freddy.

<inane comment edited out for your pleasure>

Robby.

Shad, Lynn, Robby, and Daryl:  My apologies for taking so long to respond to your comments.  I have been out of town visiting a couple that we have known for a very long time.  Unfortunately, she has been very sick and while we were visiting she lost her battle with cancer.  We stuck around longer than we had anticipated to see if we could help her husband with his grief and help in any other way we could.  What an evil disease cancer is!
 
Thank you again for commenting and for your ideas.  I did make some changes to this doggone song before I left but did not have time to post it.  I again re-did some of the lyrics, re-did the vocals, and dropped the harmony.  I believe that it flows a little better now but it is still not quite what I would like.  I think that I am just going to have to put this one away for more than a little while and come back to it when it might seem a bit more fresh.
 
However, I still would appreciate any tips from any of you that might be inclined to share them.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=963481
 
Thanks
 
Freddy J