Discouraged after 20 years (sad)

I have been a "musician" for about 20 years now give or take a couple and an audio engineer for about 10.  I feel like I have recently become completely discouraged, I have poured sweat blood and tear in my music and all things related over the years.  I can no longer just play and be in the "groove" anymore.  I was just recording the Blackened intro in Sonar (the reverse method) and I quit after about 30 minutes.  I thought to myself, "what the hell is point? No one cares."  I have never taken lessons although I have tried several times in the past.  I have Tourette Syndrome, (not coprolalia), severe OCD and ADHD, so as you would imagine, I have a very hard time learning and staying focused and the "ticing" sometimes makes it literally impossible for me to play (let alone perform any other tasks).  I can't read a lick of music to save my life, I can read tab really well though.  I always played everything by ear, or watching someone and mimicking them, or tab.  But I couldn't even figure out the two part harmonies in that song, which I think is pathetic.  I'm not even happy with my "tone" so, I guess that's pretty discouraging right from the get-go.
 
I have given into gullibility over the years with sales people saying, "Oh, you want that kind of tone? here, get this" etc...  I have a line 6 hd100 amp where the amp models are supposedly "just like" the originals, but who am I kidding, they're are not. My guitar is a Schecter Hellraiser with the John Petrucci Crunch Lab and Liquid-fire pickups (Another purchase that I was told to get to find my "tone"). I love John Petrucci's and James Hetfield's tones.  I have tried literally hundreds of methods over the years to find a good tone.  Amps, pedals, eq's, different mics, different micing techniques, double layer tracks, triple layer, quadruple etc... but I still don't "feel" it.
 
I remember when I used to record in Sonar and think "omg, that sounds so cool! I made these awesome sounding harmonies just like in the song, awesome!"  But sadly, I have not felt that in.....I don't even know how long.  It seems like nothing makes me happy anymore, even music related.
 
I would love to just play something that "sounds correct", for example, If someone said "I have recorded a backing track for you, it's in the key of (whatever it may be in).  As long as you play in this style or in this key, you'll be fine and everything should sound like it "works"  Not once have I had that, I wish I did.  But like I said earlier I can't read music and I don't know what the notes are or what will "work" and what will not.
 
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I guess I'm that desperate for any answers, I have tried everything that I could think of to just have fun playing, I really miss it.  I can't play with other musicians because I'm embarrassed.  They would normally say something like "this song or jam session is in the key of (whatever it may be in), go ahead and make some stuff up to "participate" or to even play "this chord". I have no idea what that means.  If I think to myself, ok the song is playing, and I'm about to hit a note, it's "do or die", either it's gonna fit and sound cool or it's going to sound terrible and not make any musical sense whatsoever.
 
I'm just gonna wrap this up, I'm babbling on here.  Sorry to waste your time.
 
Eric

I can relate, Eric. I've been doing it for half a century, and it often occurs to me that it's all been for naught. I long ago realized that I'll never be truly good at any of it. I should be out doing something that contributes to the greater good, not locked away for hours picking over trivial adjustments that no one will ever even notice.
 
But that's just self-pity and the inevitable disappointment that comes from unrealistic self-expectations.
 
Fact is, the vast majority of music that's ever been created has been, by definition, mediocre. You do it for your own enjoyment, the same way someone who's passionate about cooking never tires of creating meals that are just going to end up fecal waste. At least you get to keep what you create.

I think the problem lies in comparing yourself to others too much. No matter how good you are, there's always someone 10 times better. That's life! I'm not a bad guitar player if I do say so myself, and in the context of my relatively small circle of friends when I was younger, they kept telling me I was a virtuoso. But privately, I'd compare myself to guitarists around the world that I'd heard and realize that I didn't even begin to come close. That was a pretty depressing realization sometimes, but I think I just learned to dismiss the thoughts and enjoy my abilities for what they were. A couple of decades later, my technique isn't half what it used to be, mainly through neglect, but I don't care in the slightest - although I'm a little sloppier, I still feel like I've progressed in terms of my sense of music, the notes I play and the feeling I put into it. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to have the harmonic facility of a jazz player and that for 80% of the time, I have absolutely no idea what my fingers are playing or why. If I thought about that stuff too much I'd probably get depressed.  
 

You are in good company... well, at least you're in company, lol. I feel the same way a LOT of the time. Life is hard sometime. I don't have a tic but I am beginning to develop arthritis in my fretting hand knuckles, I am disabled due to spine problems but what'cha going to do? All you can do it to accept the good with the bad and know that there is always someone better off than you and always someone worse of but... and I KNOW this very well... knowing about other people really isn't much help because you live in YOUR world and your problems and your problems. I think maybe you are having a bad day. I have them. Sometimes I have a bad week, sometimes it seems like a bad month. Things pile up on me and it seems like I am never going to catch up, like I am just getting older and not better, like the Pink Floyd song say's, "... you missed the starting gun" and "the sun is the same in a relative way but you're older". I know what you mean... but it DOES matter, you matter. You matter to you. I don't know you other than this post, but as a fellow man... you matter to me. I hope you can find a way to just relax and have fun doing what you can do.
I used to sight read music for vocals but it has been so long since I did that I am not sure if I could do it anymore. I've NEVER understood tabs and believe me I have tried... they make no sense to me at all. I have a different learning style from most people and teaching is pretty much always geared for the learning style of the majority. It has always left me behind. 
If there had been ADHD when I was a kid I would have been the poster boy, I still have all the symptoms but I am afraid to get treatment because I have heart issues too and the treatment for adult ADHD is Desoxyn (pharmaceutical methamphetamine). I bet I could stay focused if I had some but the risk... well. I think pot will keep you focused but what you focus on may not mean anything to you later.. lol. 
I have a really hard time learning anything unless I can see someone do it. I seem to forget faster than I learn.
I learned a lot of guitar by watching other players.
I too play by ear and for what its worth James Burton plays completely by ear and you hear his playing on more records than you can imagine.
I play for my own pleasure these days. I may or may not learn a lick but hardly ever a song... why bother, it isn't like I am going to go out and play it. I recycle songs from the early 70s that I learned back then. I play along with tunes and I am happy doing it... until my knuckles hurt too much, btw.. Voltarin gel helps, if you get that problem too.
 
So... what about you? Find your joy in just doing what you do because you want to. If you want a new piece of gear and you can afford it, get it... if you use it once... so what. Life is short, try to not worry about others because, trust me.. most of them are not thinking about you. Enjoy your life, live it the best you can and live TODAY. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may not come.
 
Love yourself. Try to not become too isolated from others. I tend to do that. I think I could easily become a hermit and the less interaction I have with real people, as opposed to online people, the less I want BUT.. when I get out and interact with others, it changes my whole outlook. It helps me to be happy and to get out of a funk. Left to myself I would spend my life looking out the window becoming more and more introverted and more and more self centered and unhappy... so I have to make myself get up and get out. You may not have these things to deal with, I don't know... I just know what helps me to get better. I would mention Someone else Who helps me but it would violate the TOS... so I wont.
 
Bottom line, it sounds to me like you are in a rut. Get out, make some changes. Live and love and do the best you can. Enjoy those things that don't seem to matter... they DO matter. They matter to you.
 
Be well.
 
Julien

Like some of the others on here, I have been playing for a while - long enough to have grandchildren who are the same age I was when I started playing! And as was said earlier, you are not alone - I think all of us go through periods like this.
 
For me, my career was far from music but instead as a paramedic, and I use to work for fire based ambulance service in a very busy urban area. After nearly 30 years of having a siren blast in your ear, you can imagine what my hearing is like. Top end is gone (although I got a little bit back when I left the field and got behind a desk). I use to get so mad because I just couldn't get a good mix. Talk about discouraged.
 
What's worse is I love bluegrass music. Ever hear of a guy named John Duffy? You talk about a man who could make an instrument talk! Big guy with big hands - how he was able to do what he did on that little mandolin fret board I'll never understand. Tried to mimic him but just can't and never will. Man that got me so mad!
 
What changed for me was when I went back to school. Finally decided to get my degree after all these years. That meant a lot of time for school work, in addition to the normal work and family stuff, so something had to give. What got pushed to the side was my music. The guitar and mandolin went back in the case - I just didn't have time. My version of Sonar Home Studio was just wasted electrons on the hard drive. That went on for five years.
 
This fall I take my last class, and for the first time in five years, I got the guitar and mandolin out of the cases. Man did my fingers hurt!! But I also realized how much I missed making music. My poor effort at trying to make something that sounded like a song. I also realized it wasn't important that others like what I do, what mattered was that I got the enjoyment out of my music. Coming back to my music has made me realize how important it is to me - for those past five years there was a hole - and now I realize what is the only thing that can fill it.
 
So I am back on track with a new found joy. I have jumped back in the waters with Sonar 3 and loving every minute of it. And this year I am doing something different for my wedding anniversary. It'll be 35 years and I am giving my wife an album of some of the love songs we listened to when we were dating (MIDI downloads are great BTW). No, this will never be album on anybodies top listening list, and the mix will never be confused with a pro. But I am willing to bet, it will be one of the best gifts I ever gave my wife. It comes from the heart, and my heart is in the mix. It is for her, and only her, and I believe that knowing we did this for her will bring some joy to her heart. And she is probably the only one who will ever hear it.
 
That is the magic of music. It brings joy to you when you play (no matter had badly). If that joy we feel can be given to just one other person when we play, think how wonderful that is.
 
One last thought. Think about the person who never learned to play an instrument. You would be amazed how much they admire folks like us who can put just three chords together and create some semblance of a song. There are a bunch of folks I know who would give anything to go back in time and learn how to play.