Don't wait ... it may be too late.

Don't know if you guy saw the thread started by Julibee the other day in which I chimed in with some of my in-law troubles.

Long story short, one of the last things my father in law said to me a couple months ago was, "I don't need family, I have friends." and we haven't spoken since and I've been feeling bad about it.

The friend he was referring to was named Tom. He lived about an hour or so from me here in Missouri.

He had substance troubles, lived paycheck to paycheck, house falling apart. Couldn't wait for the next paycheck to fill his Harley up to go riding with my father in law.

A while back my father in law asked me if I could fix Tom's stove because he didn't have the money to pay anyone.

So ... feeling bad about not talking to my father in law, I was going to suggest we go visit him and see if I could do anything to help him when the in-laws came down for Christmas.

Got a call today from my mother in law ... Tom's girlfriend came home from work Friday, asked him what he wanted for dinner, he said let's have a pizza, he walked out to the garage and blew his brains out. Just like that. No warning, no signs, no nothing.

Now ... this thread is not about me ... even though I feel like crap. If my father in law and I both wouldn't be so God damn stubborn and would have kept in touch, we more than likely would have made plans by now to go visit Tom and maybe that little glimmer of hope that, you know, maybe someone in this world does give a $hit, he wouldn't have thrown 62 years down the drain in the blink of an eye.

I started this thread to maybe make whoever reads it think twice about sticky family situations you may be in cause you just never know when you're going to turn around and poof ... someones gone. I suppose I better call him tomorrow and see how he's doing.

Sad story, man.

I remember a friend in high school who didn't really give any warning sign either. Well, he did give away some of his stuff - I had borrowed a book from him a few weeks earlier and when I mentioned I was almost done reading it, he told me to just keep it anyway.

I remember one of us asking him, half-jokingly, if he intended to kill himself or what... It seemed so unlikely that he had absolutely no trouble convincing us that he was absolutely fine, just cleaning up a bit.

A few weeks later on a sunday night, he had dinner w/ the rest of the family as usual then said he was going downstairs to listen to some music - as usual. And then they heard the gun.

People have to want to change..... you can encourage them but ultimately, they have to want it. 


And yes..... sometimes it is too late. My brother's first wife did that very thing on my birthday many years ago. She left behind 2 young boys and my brother to raise them.... sad situation always, when that happens. Apparently no one saw that coming either. 

Reach out to your father in law and try to rebuild the bridges. It's never too late, until one day,  it is. 

Sad, indeed.  Sorry to hear about Tom.  Don't let the feeling of guilt overwhelm you.  Since he did it without any hints of his intention, you probably would not have stopped him.  I hope it gives you a chance to reconnect with your father in-law.  

You make a good point about keeping in touch with family members--not just ones in difficult situations.  How many times have we lost contact with family just because of being busy, distance and time zones.  

 

Bub, When people internalize something that is eating them up they hide it and the more they hide it the harder it is to let anyone know that they need help. You could have rebuilt his whole house and not changed anything that was leading to this tragedy.

He obviously was very unhappy with what he had become. You and your FIL could have gone over and fixed some stuff... but you wouldn't have been able to fix him. He had a wall around the problem and his need, you would not have been allowed to see anything unless he decided to lower the wall, become vulnerable, and ask for help.. and he was not able to do that. His burden was too much for him to bear alone and he could not ask for help for some reason.

You get none of the blame for this tragedy.

I've seen it before and usually no one has a clue that it is coming. They act pretty much normal until one day, one moment... they are gone. It is sad and a tragedy.

J