London 2012...

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craigb
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2011/08/18 03:36:26 (permalink)

London 2012...

Tell me it isn't true Steve!
 

 
London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
 
You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
 
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
 
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
 
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
 
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
 
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
 
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
 
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
 
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
 
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
 
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
 
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
 
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."
 
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
 
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing
 
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

 
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
#1

13 Replies Related Threads

    Jonbouy
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 05:18:23 (permalink)
    craigb


    Tell me it isn't true Steve!
     

     
    London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
     
    You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
     
    OPENING CEREMONY
    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
     
    THE EVENTS
    In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
     
    100 METRES SPRINT
    Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
     
    110 METRES HURDLES
    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
     
    HAMMER
    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
     
    FENCING
    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
     
    SHOOTING
    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
     
    BOXING
    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
     
    CYCLING TIME TRIALS
    Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
     
    CYCLING PURSUIT
    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
     
    MODERN PENTATHLON
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
     
    SWIMMING EVENTS
    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."
     
    THE MARATHON
    A safe route has yet to be decided.
     
    MEN'S 50KM WALK
    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing
     
    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


    ROFLMAO!!!



    "We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles.
    In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves" - Banksy
    #2
    Bristol_Jonesey
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 06:02:51 (permalink)
    Excellent stuff!



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    #3
    SteveStrummerUK
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 07:34:25 (permalink)
     
    LOL - nice one Craig
     
     
    The cover of the latest edition of Private Eye:
     
     

     
     
     
    And from inside:
     


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    #4
    Jonbouy
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 07:51:43 (permalink)
    Cameron was quick to allay fears that the recent riots would affect the 2012 games.



    "We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles.
    In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves" - Banksy
    #5
    The Maillard Reaction
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 08:13:18 (permalink)
    I was afraid to laugh... thinking it might be a family only type joke.



    That's all I'm going to say.


    #6
    Guitarhacker
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 08:23:58 (permalink)
    The games are in London.... and then after that ...In Rio? 



    Yeah, I have a good feeling about both of those locales ...... 


    A new Olympic sport is being considered for Rio..... dodging random bullets from the hill side slums drug gang wars. 

    Yeah, that will be a nice place to have the games....

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    #7
    tom1
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 09:02:43 (permalink)
    A new Olympic sport is being considered for Rio..... dodging random bullets from the hill side slums drug gang wars.
    yeah, that will be a nice place to have the games
     
     
    It's going to be interesting to say the least.
     
    The last time I was in Rio the favelas were 'growing' onward and upward; and in plain view while standing on the most gorgeous beaches on the planet.
     
    I hear things have changed for the better since Lula has been in power but I recall some of the worst slums I've ever seen and right across the street were luxurios high rise condos.
     
    and I imagine the views from some of these favelas must have been magnificent; a developers dream.

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    SteveStrummerUK
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 09:23:16 (permalink)
     
    Also from PE...
     
     


     Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

    #9
    Old55
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 09:34:07 (permalink)
    Funny stuff. It must be leading up to the apocalypse in December.

    Should auld acquaintance be forgot--hey, who the hell are you guys?  
     
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    bapu
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    Re:London 2012... 2011/08/18 09:52:01 (permalink)
    The Lovely Lady and I are picking out our hoodies as we speak.
    #11
    craigb
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    Whatever is left of London in 2012... 2011/08/18 11:30:52 (permalink)
    bapu


    The Lovely Lady and I are picking out our hoodies as we speak.

    Hehe...  Now if "I" were a marketing exec for the Olympics, I might just offer an official London 2012 hoodie and make some money off of this!
     
    (Or has the Bouy already thought of that?)

     
    Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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    Starise
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    Re:Whatever is left of London in 2012... 2011/08/18 11:39:40 (permalink)
     It would be a sight to see from across the pond on TV.

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    #13
    Mesh
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    Re:Whatever is left of London in 2012... 2011/08/18 11:40:30 (permalink)
    Good stuff Craig!!

    PWF!!!!!

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