Christmas 09' (Writing Challenge?) Help needed.

Hi Don,
 
It could benefit from some loosening up..that is to say, everything sounds very precise, martial almost, and bang on the beat..drums, bass, piano, strings..consequently, I think, your vocal has followed the same rigid pattern. If you could re-record it and get it to swing a little better, you'd have a nice, acerbic Christmas song in the style of The Verve (your vocal reminded me of Richard Ashcroft)

I guess what I'm asking is this;  Do you think I should play this for all of my friends and post it on my FB page as it is?  Or should I make it better and wait till next Christmas?  Or, should I scrap it completely?  Don't hold any punches.  My Wife has already been brutally honest with me.  :-)

Well, I have to agree with James. The song seem so rigid and not loose. I like the lyrics about peace on earth and all that, but it seems like the music is in a box and your trying to get out. Again, I think if you keep the concept and just play some free flowing music and loose the rigid factor and maybe even do a guitar riff about 2/3 the way through might help it out. Also, the Salvation Army Band music could be brought down a bit and used for the background music behind the rest of the song. If you play around with your tracks and add a few new ones you might get a better Christmas feeling to this song.
 
Peace and Blessings, John

Hey Don - I do agree with the previous posts (i.e. it should loosen up a bit)...having said that, I really like your voice, and the song has a nice melody. There's a bit of a juxtaposition between lyrics & voice though: the lyrics are (or at least seem) positive etc, but the vocal delivery is quite somber. Not a real issue in my view though...in fact, it makes it more interesting. 
 
In terms of loosening it up. indeed the drum beat, but in combination with the electric piano...their synch is too perfect...you may not even need to change the drum, but instead focus on making the electric piano less "staccato"/on the beat. 
 
Overall, I enjoyed listening to the song!

I really appreciate all of your honest comments!  Like I said, I have been sitting on the fence about this song for 4 years.  I never even posted it here at the Sonar forum because I was so uncertain about it.  I would have liked to "release" , or share this song right away with my friends and family because it is Christmastime.  But I've waited long enough and it can wait longer.  
 
I think you all hit the nail right on the head.  And if I'm going to share a song about Christmas, and the true meaning of Christmas, I want it to be the absolute best it can be.  I think all of the suggestions you gave are good ones.  Loosening up the drums, integrating the horns more subtly (maybe even as a loop?), putting a little guitar lick in and rewriting some of the lyrics and the many other great suggestions are sincerely appreciated!!
 
I also appreciate the fact that most of you "like" the song but think it needs work.  100% agreed!!  3Dmus, thank you for the compliments on my singing!!  I am extremely self-conscious about my vocals but comments like yours and James' really help me with my confidence a lot, so thanks!!  I can't wait to share the "improved" version with you all.  The way I work, it might not be till next Christmas though.  Thanks again guys!!!
 
Don

Actually, I'm starting to think my Wife is my best critic? Seriously, she's been pretty accurate so far!  But yes, Herb, I know that look all to well.   And it's also usually a bad sign when everyone resumes their loud holiday conversation with each other halfway through the song.   
 
I was definitely unhappy with this song for a reason.  And it needs work.  Incidentally, I came across this version of the song with me whistling the horn part.  You can tell i was really "loosened up". Lol.   I don't think this fixes the song but it loosens it a little.  I think I will explore putting a guitar solo in that spot among other changes.
 
https://soundcloud.com/dedicatedlight/christmas-whistling
 
Thanks for your help guys!

I like the song...a somber melody, but with a positive message, it's interesting.  I agree it feels a little... mechanical, could use more energy or feeling in the vocal.  Definitely a keeper though.     

Don, I tried to play the song - Soundcloud says it can't find the tune. Did you take it down?

I liked the old version... didn't care as much for the horn on the re-mix... I really like your voice a lot... well done...
 

I like this version better. It's been a few days since I listened to the old one and didn't review it before listening to the remix.
 
I don't get the feeling of this being as stiff and mechanical as the original. The biggest nit here is the midi sounding "horns"....    If this was in my studio, and if I didn't have any good sounding horns I would have sought out a better sounding instrument. I would likely have gone to strings. Even midi strings sound half way like strings compared to midi horns. And if you have sampled strings, they can sound quite realistic.
 
Think like a producer. Make it sound as good as you can with the things/tools you have. Don't let preconceived notions of what you "think" it should sound like, cause you to get stuck in a rut and end up with something less than what you could actually make better by going on a different path. If a part of the song is hard to get sounding right, delete it or try something different there.
 
After the 4 bells at the intro, the horn part could be deleted and simply start right into the tune (6 sec to 19 sec) .... then make the horns be strings. To me the horns are the distracting part of this mix now. Play with some other patches or samples. Perhaps even a nice piano with strings backing to play the melody that you have the horns playing....that way you don't lose the melody as strings alone might tend to do. I hear a piano back there in the mix playing quarters so it's not that far out to rework the beginning a bit to let the piano carry it with the quarters and a melody over them. Perhaps play the melody with the left hand lower than the quarters.
 
All of this is just me thinking out loud..... suggestions to get you to think outside of the box for this song.  The controlled rawness of the vocals and everything else is good.

The new mix sounds better, I didn't care for the synths in the 1st version also didn't like the piano on the 1st version. I may put a little more verb on the instruments. The vocals are better on the remix as well, so all around improvement.