HELP! Song Fragment

cool start
 
Barnes 3 is nothing special..... a good song but nothing to write home about.
 
So here's my take on the snippit. (Barnes 5)  The better one of the two IMHO
 
The first section verse ....sounds good. The out of tune guitars actually contribute to the indy feel of the groove on this.
 
At 31 seconds, the song goes into the next section. I was a bit confused as this progressed. I first thought it was a prechorus but it kept going and then I though it was the chorus.... so... perhaps look at shortening this section by half and make it a true prechorus leading into a much higher energy chorus..... which BTW, you do nicely. It's just that this part is a bit too long for a PC. You actually have 2 energy levels in it..... I'd personally go with the first one...lower energy but a different feel from the verse and leads nicely into the chorus.
 
Then at 1:09 it hits what really sounds like the chorus.  At the end of the chorus.... 1:34 you should put the hook/title of the song right there. where the music holds....
 
just my thoughts.

I think if you combine the two versions and make it one, you'll do well. I think the strumming of the guitar doesn't work for the verses. Maybe outline chords with some type of arpeggio or something like that. The vocals are nice!

Hmmm, not getting any redirects errors.

I definitely like the second version better - the tempo increase seems to work and it has more energy.  A few pitchy spots, sure, but I think Melodyne can resolve that (unless of course you plan to re-record the vocals).   Speaking of... I agree with Robert and Warren that your vocal quality is very good.  You actually remind a little of someone from the late 70's/early 80's but I can't quite put my finger on it...

I can't wait to hear the finished version of this!  I like either arrangement and can actually hear how these two versions could exist in the same song.  Your voice sounds great for this, and I think the singers you mentioned are spot on.  Best of luck.

pushing and pulling could be something kinda cool...the 2nd tune didnt do anything for me. I guess everyone has a different mechanize for writing...but in my odd world if i am writing and re writing and re re writing.......I'm tossing the concept....the things that work best for me at the tunes that flop out and dont require forcing. Again, I know that's not every-bodies gig....but its like a girl...if your working too hard to catch her...she prolly not worth the chase....

Hey Joshua, 
Really good ideas.  I think on version 2, there are too many segments.  
I like the verse and bridge/chorus but the last segment that seems to be the chorus feels a little weeker than the others.  Maybe it is the higher pitch of the melody but I was really with you until that hook.  
I would also consider using the the words "I think" instead of "maybe" like in "I think we've gone too far..."
Good job and good ideas all around.
 
Rimshot