A long read, but a good one! Opinions eagerly sought from the Faithful Brotherhood here.

Suppose you're in a relationship & living with a woman for 5 years now, and overall, it's gone really well, with the exception of a number of times whereby she and her Mother have talked privately about you at length, without letting you know anything that has been said or discussed, and even make plans that involve & include you, again, all the while not telling you anything until the very last minute, if at all.

Moreover, this includes some unfair & nasty things being thrown at you from your [not quite] Mother in law by way of your common law wife – in other words indirectly, that have been both insulting. demeaning & hurtful – all without just cause or provocation.

If that’s not enough, you’ve heard your Mother in law say right to your face ‘how good you are for her daughter, and how you’ve even helped the whole family by way of your presence & efforts so far’ - this from doing very many things for her & 2 other family members, thus making you very confused.

Anyway, as time passes, your wife & you both agreed that you've outgrown the place you're renting, and she basically says "'I want to move - I hate it here".

So you think to yourself, 'Ok, we'll be moving soon - most likely next spring or summer', and you 'put it on the shelf for now’, knowing that moving day will be something you’ll need to focus on before long.

Then just a week or so later, she goes house shopping not with you, but with her Mother, whom;

A) periodically – every 6 months or so – has caused you untold levels of grief, frustration, anger, hurt & even insults and has ruined your reputation long before you could ever establish it within their family, leaving you 'in a pile of piss' that isn’t even yours;

B) You have mentioned to your common-law wife of 5 years that “Your Mother is too overbearing, doesn’t know her boundaries & I don't want your Mother picking out a place for us to live. We can do that ourselves, just like we’ve done before”.

Your wife agrees, because whenever her Mother has ‘pissed all over' you in the past, she was also equally outraged and perturbed about it each time it happened – or so it appeared.

So no surprise that you don't want your [almost] Mother-in law involved in any decision making in your life, especially something so important, detailed, expensive and arduous as a place to move to and possibly buy.

But next thing you know, you find out that your wife’s been looking WITHOUT YOU for the last 12 days with her Mother - I repeat, WITH HER MOTHER, and they pick a place to buy - not to rent - TO BUY - all without including you in any shopping around, viewings, input, suggestions, questions, measurements & any & all decisions.

She finally tells you about it, after her Mother, her realtor and her have their hearts set on it, but then ignores any logic, wisdom, suggestions and alternative ideas you mention, including and especially why you're upset and even incensed about the whole process of exclusion.

Although her realtor has shown her a number of places on-line, it is the one and only place she's actually gone & physically looked at and sure as shootin’ she’s going to buy this place with or without you. In other words, she's buying the first & only place she's looked at.

In fact, the paper work is all ready to be signed – and I know she’s gonna sign it - [FYI ,my signature is not required on the documents].

Now - how would you feel about all this?

Which way would that turn your crank?

Positive; negative; other?  

Especially if you had a life long history of being invalidated by many, many people in your past – mostly women including your own Mother, your sister, your ex-wife - and she - your common law wife knows this all to well and has in the past been compassionate & understanding towards you about this - even though she has done this to you several times as well.

As a heads up, I told her I absolutely refuse to move in with her, just out of sure spite alone, for purposely being left out of the entire process from start to almost finish.

So now be honest - be brutally honest!

What would your thoughts & feelings be?

How about some comments you might say to her?

Am I in the wrong? Is she?

She finally showed me the place.

Some of the rooms are to small, there are strata fees for cutting almost no grass, shoveling almost never any snow, and cleaning cutters without any tall trees in sight for miles.
 
Worst of all and most important, there are 27 stairs from top to bottom.

I'm 53, and after a lifetime of construction as an Electrician since just 3 weeks out of high school, she knows my knees are bad, to the point where I'm even having trouble going up & down an 8’ ladder now after just few times up & down it.

But again, I tell ya', she's gonna go ahead & buy it with or without me, because she has what's known as 'new car smell syndrome', which more often than not, leads to 'buyers remorse' - something I'm trying to caution her about, but like many women, now refuses to listen to anything I say - even being late to the party.


Thank you for your honesty Buds,

Jim

I don't know about "common law wife" but I'd sure learn the smart and fast way out. Unlike James though....I'd run...

So basically we're your equivalent to her mother in this discussion?
 
I ask because if you/she are relying on friends/family for advice more than discussing it with each other when it comes to important decisions, then I would say something is wrong.
 
If you can't work things out between each other on your own, then you either need to get a neutral arbitrator or you will never get anywhere together.
 
Good luck.

This sounds pretty bad.
Look at your avatar ...then wish her well in her new home.
 
...unless, of course, the downstairs is already a good sized, fully equipped, soundproof studio.
With door locks.
 

For one thing I would never ever buy a big ticket item like a car or house with a girlfriend no matter how long we are together unless you have the legal stuff worked out very specific like in the case you should break up down the road. Something like this can ruin your life for sure. It's your call. You know what your relationship is with her and Randy has some good advice there.

yorolpal

And quit relying on nitwits like us to solve your self induced problems.

Yar!

You do realize that this is not an issue with your partner's mother? Your wife wanted to buy a house and move, and you were in no hurry to do so. She did not address the issue with you. She went and looked for a house with a person she could expect to support her decision, decided to buy it without consulting you, and presented you with a fait accompli. Her mother was at best her confidant and at worst her accomplice. Why would you imagine your mother in law would show you any consideration if your wife does not? 

You've gotten some excellent advice IMHO from quite a few posts above this one.
 
Your girlfriend.... not wife.... more like a shack up friend with benefits... with whom you have lived for 5 years..... apparently and obviously, trusts and confides more in her mother than she does in you. That's a HUGE danger sign to the future of that relationship. HUGE.. The fact that she didn't include you in decisions like this or tell you of her plans speaks volumes as to what she thinks about you and where she places your value to her. Not very high on her list of priorities.
 
Regarding the new house.... if she has signed the papers, she's legally committed to it. Since you're not married, unless you too have signed the papers, you are not committed to the deal.  Before you sign or move in, you better have a serious self evaluation and a long hard discussion on topics that matter with your girlfriend.
 
Depending on the state you are in.... state laws vary on the length of time required for a shack-up to be considered a legally binding (in a court of law) common law marriage. My understanding is that most are 7 to 10 years or continuous co-habitation. At that point, she has the rights of being married.... alimony,  share of family assets and all those things lawyers and judges get to decide who owns on termination of the "marriage"....
 
I've been married one time.... and we're still married. It's been 33 years. We had this discussion early in our marriage about the in-laws and just how much they should be allowed to influence our decisions. I married her, not her parents, and she married me, not my parents..... with that resolved early on, and by kindly informing the in-laws on both sides when they first poked their noses into our business..... life has been good since everyone knew their boundaries early on. My wife and I have an excellent relationship with her mom.... she's the last one still alive from our in-laws.... and I don't begrudge her time together shopping or whatever..... but we, my wife and I make our decisions together and discuss things of importance at length before we decide, TOGETHER.
 
If you're not working together, you're moving apart.
 
Being musicians..... I wrote this song about things I saw happening in the lives of others.... my friends, my wife's friends, through the years...  
 
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12024980
 
I can't and won't tell you what to do.... only you can decide the best road forward for you...and her.

That's why I originally posted "I don't know about the common-law" but all provinces and territories within Canada, excluding Quebec, follow the common law legal tradition that seems to vary within Canada...and I'm guessing he's near something in Canada.
 
 
I think the issue is, where applicable is; you cannot get out of a common-law marriage as easily as you can get into one.

Reece.... laws vary from state to state which is why I said for him to check the laws in his state.  As it turns out, he doesn't even live in the US of A.... so he needs to check the laws of Canada and the province he lives in which is BC.
 
 
Here in NC the time limit is 7 years.  And I can not buy real estate of any kind without my wife signing as well.  I wanted to buy a house to rent out for income and the bank required both of us to sign according to NC state law.

http://resources.lss.bc.c...r-Living-Apart-eng.pdf

Thanks for all your support guys.

I've been MIA - away for a few days.

She just had major surgery on Nov. 19, and I've been at the hospital for 2 straight days, plus the night before, guess who had to stay over?

So I've not been able to read anything here for a few days, and I'm posting this without reading anything added lately, which I will do afterwards.

In case anyone's still interested, there are a few things that make this more complicated:

Complication # 1. She's partially handicapped because of a horrendous car crash when she was just 7 years old. This gave her permanent injuries - no use of her left arm, and a walk with a limp.
She also suffered a small head injury, because not only didn't her Dad put a seat belt on her - she didn't even have a seat! Just a chair in a van.

A woman in oncoming traffic fell asleep at the wheel on the highway, and had crossed the yellow line.
Her Dad swerved to avoid her, but at 100 KMH - [60MPH] the van caught the dirt shoulder embankment and tumbled over & over. She was tossed around like rag doll and eventually literally flew out the van, hitting her head first, which is believed to be what opened the back van door that she then flew out of.

But other than her obvious physical injuries, no one would think she had a head injury. She's very well spoken and quite articulate.

Before we met, she had been attacked several times and severally taken advantage of - [imagine judgment day for those who do things to a tiny, defenseless handicapped woman who can neither run away nor fight off any attacker - that can't end well for them!].

In fact, when she came to me, the first thing she said she need wasn't a boyfriend, room mate or husband - but a protector.

I felt much compassion & empathy for her. Then of course we started getting along a bit too well, and - well - you know how that goes.

So I've been taking care of her for the past 5 years, she's very proud and delighted to introduce me as her husband and no one's even come close to doing anything to her - [oh except for one guy - reminds me - I still gotta deal with him].

Both her and her Mother have spoken many times to my face extolling my virtues and their appreciation in 'rescuing her' from a world that is continually hard, physically abusive & just downright terrible to her, and for keeping her safe, warm & happy since.

Because of my concern, efforts & subsequent love for, her confidence & self-assuredness has grown for the 1st time ever in her life - to the point where she's lost 100 pounds on the treadmill I bought her, now often doing 2-3 miles a day on it, and is down to her ideal weight.  
She also volunteers a few places which she's always wanted to do.

So overall we've had a superb relationship - all until she went and bought an iphone 5.  

This where and how she's reconnected with her Mother, which I would never normally be against - except for how the last last 3 years has gone with them 2.

As trouble has progressed, I told her, "You know, we were perfectly happy once - until you bought your effen' iphone".

She actually agreed, but did that change anything?  - no.

The 2 of them are glued to them. Before that, she barely had any contact with her Mother - and we were happy.

I've even told her numerous times, "You know, if we part & go our own separate ways, it'll be because of your Mother and you!"

Complication # 2. My health has deteriorated drastically over the past 2 years - [gee, wonder why?], and I've been reduced to working just one day a week, or less. I might have fibromyalgia, which hits fewer men than women.

In her compassionate stages, which is most of the time, she's quite concerned and vows to take care of me for the rest of my life, promising to never put me in an old age home 10, 20 or 30 years from now, should things get progressively worse.

So at this point in time, I have neither the physical health nor the spondulicks needed to actually up & move out - not just yet anyway.
 
I've been doing a lot of thinking - too much perhaps, and have decided that despite her offer, I cannot stay in an unhealthy relationship that's damn near killing me.
Before I 'rescued her 5 years ago', my mental/emotional and physical health were all excellent. Now they've all gone for ****!

So as she's been getting better, and I've been getting worse.

I've started working on plans to live alone again - something that ALWAYS makes me happy. I did this when I left my ex-wife and boy did it pay off big time - even though I had to walk away from $50,000 or more. But before long, I couldn't be happier.

Here we go again I guess.
 
Unfortunately, I am stuck here until my finances improve, which I expect will take some time.

So I'm gonna have to tough it out, and just 'detach' from her, which is not want I would have wanted, but I don't see any other choice.

I also don't see this relationship as salvageable anymore, despite the mention of counseling.

Seems too much damage has been done, and now my mental, emotional & physical heath have suffered from it all.  No wonder I haven't done any music for about a year now.

I need to take care of myself. So I've just gone into self-repair mode.

To bad I'm gonna have to break her heart next year, but the thought of living alone again and focusing solely on my music & motorcycles sure has a nice ring to it!

Thanks again for the support Buds.

Jim 

I'm thinkin' - no more women after this.
 
I've been with women most of my life - and never been dumped.
 
But maybe now it's time to just forget that whole project and stay single & happy after this.

Wish i could help Jim
 
If I lived in Canada i might be able to, as i'm married to a divorce lawyer, but UK law is vastly different to what we see in North America.
 
There osi ni such thing as a common law wife/husband here any more - the concept was dumped about 10 years ago, not that this helps you in any way.
 
My gut reaction is to simply walk. Keep your dignity & your self esteem, don't be taken for a ride by ANYone, no matter how needy they are.