First haircut in 39 years

I stopped going to those places and we're all happier as a result. I used to go the local cheap haircut establishments to be mistreated. I'd go in, watch each of the ladies attempt to choke down their bile at the thought of touching my head, and wait until the loser got stuck with me. I'd try not to react as she attempted to grasp the full impact of the horror that awaited her. "That's so gross..." I frequently heard that whispered. She'd ask me how I wanted it cut and I'd say something helpful like, "Cousin It", "Nasal Comb Over", or "I want it all in a single dreadlock. " She'd pop her gum and consider the life choices that brought her to this bitter end. Finally, she'd slap the clippers against my head and spend 40-50 seconds cutting the little bit of hair that stubbornly clung to my scalp. I usually ended up with a few cuts when she'd make sure to gouge my skin to teach me a lesson. I'd pay somewhere between $12-$15 dollars for the privilege of enjoying her service. Since I'd come back a few months later, they started raising their prices in self-defense. I decided that even though I'm not a trained professional, I could insult and ridicule myself almost as well. I bought my own shearing kit and started cutting my own hair. 
 
Every now and then, my wife asks me if I want to go to one of those places and get a good haircut. I just straighten the nasal hair bow on the top of my head and say, "No, I've still got plenty of material."