Season of Tears-Original Sonar X3

Here we go again.  Have mercy.   Oh.  Beware the dreaded "S" word in verse 1.
http://johnbowen.bandcamp.com/track/season-of-tears
 
John B.

Thanks Guitarhacker.
I appreciate your opinion on use of language.  I generally don't use such words, but some of my favorite artists have used it on an occasion or two, so I did here for the occasional "self expression".
 
John B.

Random thoughts:
 
I really like the bridge a lot. That second chord is a lovely surprise, and the tune under "And in your mind you thought you've won" is a really satisfying and complete thought. The highest note in the tune happens at the same moment as the surprise chord, and then you switch the phrase length from two to four bars for the bridge, really elegant choices. Yum.
 
I so appreciate that you're 'going for it' with this tune (same goes for Out in the Open as well), so take these comments for how they are meant: I'm engaged. I like the effort put into the songwriting aspect. A lot. Unfortunately for you, my engagement means I have a lot of thoughts and ideas about it. So here goes:
 
I'm less pleased by the verse, though it has some nice parts, I found the melody under "Thinking how the time has come/It’s so strange I’ve let it go on so long" to be hard to follow and awkward. Also, though of course there's nothing to be done here, while I like your voice, I don't feel you are up to the task of all those leaps. It sort of sounds like the tune is this great dane and you're having trouble holding on to his leash :-) If your ultimate goal is for someone else to perform the song, maybe it's not a big deal, you just have to find a singer that can sell it. But if the finished product involves you singing it, your composer self might give your singer self a break and make it easier to sing. And I don't think all those leaps really get you anything. Better to hold off until the bridge comes, and then the leap there will have more impact.
 
I also don't think the S word is right there. Not because it's a curse word, but because it holds a force and anger not consistent with the rest of the song. I would also re-think "whore" for the same reason. I know you probably think "Yeah, but that's how angry I am", and I would respond with "the rest of the song doesn't sound that angry" The rest of the lyrics, and the music, for that matter, are of such a different character, it's an inconsistency. "Your actions have no consequence/When crude behavior must commence" probably doesn't belong in the same song as "s**t".
 
I have trouble with some of the lyrics:
Grammatically, it would be "here or there". 'Nor' is used with a negative, as in "You are neither here nor there"
"Is the time of crying everlasting our lives" - doesn't even make sense to me
I would change it to "And in your mind you think you've won", because the rest of the bridge is in present tense, plus the second bridge verse is in present tense, plus present tense is usually more powerful anyway
 
In general, the bridge lyrics have much more power through their simple directness than using the S word does. Go for more of that. The second verse feels very contorted lyrically. You get wrapped up in rhymes and syllables and big words and abstractions, and it feels cerebral, and you start to lose me. Then you get to "And in your mind you’re very sure/But in my heart I know/There is no point/There is no cure", and POW! I'm back on board.
 
Fun listen, thanks for posting. Merciful enough I hope?

jamesg1213
 
 The vocal delivery is pretty shaky, you seem to be unsure where to pitch it.
 

This is what singing with asthma is like.  You wouldn't believe the amount of time and effort I put into the vocal track.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that I do as many as 30 to 40 takes PER LINE, and this is the best I can get?!  I hate every line of it.  I just eventually get to the point where I say "I give up.  It's the best I can do!"  Even a year ago I could've done better than this.  Should I give up?!

Hello Johnbee58, I took a quick listen and i'm no expert but this was done really well, the music sounds very good. The vocals are very good (I know with asthma it's difficult)  sit well and never minding the lyrical content, feel appropriate to the music (what ever effect is on the vocals is great)...I get a quasi Flaming Lips vibe here which I think is awesome...That guy made a whole career singing like this! To qualify: I can't really sing to save my life, that being said as far as the vocals go, you can always overdub on any "off" parts of the singing (if you think it needs it)...Overall a great effort/Thanks for sharing it here....
 

Hello Twisted6s, Gerald, and Jess.  Thanks so much for your kindness.
 
John B.

I really like this one John. i personally like the sh1t (and the whore) reference - gives the song more edge.
i also really like your vocal - it suits the song. Mix-wise, everything seems to be sitting in there ok except when the bass first comes in, it seems too loud but is fine later in the song - maybe some volume automation needed?