Song: Color and Sound

bad link...

Edited since Jeff fixed his link problem. This was only a temporary post.

I listened to it a couple of times. To me the vocals are too punchy or staccato like. I'd retrack the vocals and smooth them out and lengthen them, maybe slow the song down a hair or two and put more length and feeling in the vocals. As it is now, it's very airy and whimsical feeling, not what I'd associate to a mood disorder, but more like kids playing. From 00:30 to 1:00ish is a good example of what I mean - needs more feeling, length, and emoton in the voice - I get the feeling that you're trying to get finished with the current phrase and on to the next phrase too quickly.

Good song, do you have the lyrics posted anywhere?

Fred

Challenging subject to take on. I think the dreamy quality is actually very appropriate, the narrator is in kind of mellow fog, nothing too happy or sad (or whatever that line was). Another comment on smoothing the vocals, and as noted the bass is a little lumpy.

I lost the thread a little: in the beginning, the SO, wakes and ask how will you be today; then latter it seems he's in an instution, waking, hoping the SO would be there, and yet not wish this on them. (Am I being to literal?)

As you say it's hard to know what to do with this song. It's a part of reality that not many want to look at head on.

'cloudscapes resemble that same feeling I had yesterday' seems fit to a piano melody -- and seems a little clumsy in english. Variants: 'cloudscenes echo my yesterday' 'cloud formations paint my yesterday' 'clouds mock my yesterday' 'yesterday is here in clouds above' 'cumulus towers of my yesterday'

fwblack and mwalter ...
thanks .. i completely agree with your comments ... perhaps slowing it
down and putting a little angst into the vox would help .. i'll try
that .. otherwise i think i'll scrap this one and come at it another way.

.. this is borderline coffee house .. so my apologies ...

ed: .. i'll tell you the story and then maybe you can help me convey
it a little better.. what i was trying to capture was what i observed
from someone suffering from bipolar disorder and it got pretty
debilitating and incredibly difficult for everybody around ... anyway,
they got so depressed anything more than getting out of bed was
tough .. plus they got really sensitive to light and sound .. noises
and sunshine were just too much to deal with. they pretty much gave
up on interacting with people .. and the SO had no idea what to do,
tried to help .. but the guy wouldn't let her and pretty much pushed
her away. .. then .. just about the time when they were going
to separate .. his mood swung to the manic side ... and then he
was just wild with enthusiasm .. and then couldn't get enough of
people, bright colors, sunshine .. bought some pretty whacked out
clothes .. etc. ... as an aside, i couldn't understand what was going
on until i read "An Unquiet Mind" .. which is a brilliant book by
someone suffering from this affliction.

so in the song .. i took it right up to the point where he goes into the
manic upswing .. and that was supposed to be the outtro. originally i had
some other instrumention in the outtro to build up to a cacophony
as it's fading out .. but structurally, you're not supposed to introduce
new instrumentation on the way out .. so upon recommendation,
i yanked em. maybe there's some other way to convey this.

The "space" in the second verse is more of the mental space
that they went into when they got put on medications. they stabilized
a bit .. but the side-effects were that they became mentally
very slow and had a 1000 yard stare .. zombie like i guess.

so i approached this with a duality in mind .. since that's sort of the
nature of the disorder .. but perhaps it just doesn't work ... and i'm
ok with that ... i throw stuff away all the time ;-)

thanks for your comments,
jeff

ps: if you anyone wishes to discuss the disease further, we may
do so in the coffee house .. i'm after how to convey the story in
song better.

oh .. the lyrics:

I fumble for the paper,
Squint into the dawning day
Cloudscapes resemble that same feeling
I had yesterday
And you awake and smile
Then you ask "How will you be today?"
The coffee cream and sugar
Mix in blood once coursed together

Chorus:
Baby, I think I'm taking it down
Letting it slip through
Burn to the ground
Maybe, you should think of yourself
Think of tomorrow
Sunlight abounds
Color and Sound

These medications are the only way
I measure time
They keep my mind safely tucked away
From pain and pleasure
If I could snap my fingers
Wake up from the cold and gray
And see your pretty face
A silouhette against this place
Maybe you could save me
But I will not wish that on you

Chorus:

I like the lyrics in the 2nd verse much better than the 1st, just reading them the 2nd flows better (IMO). I've got a couple of songs that after finishing them (I thought) and playing them for a few weeks, I flipped the order of the verses and it worked much better. I wouldn't trash it, work on the 1st verse and music some and you'll have it. Maybe put it down for a while and then come back to it.

Good luck,
Fred

Jeff,
I get it now, I was listening to literally. I read the book you referenced, and had a childhood friend that went through this, so from that perspective, I think you got it captured well and with subtlety.

where's your avatar pic located

Valparaiso, Chile

The song sounds fine, it's easy on the ear, but I don't really know the genre well enough.

A straight-forward opinion on the lyrics though: V 2 is good; V 3 is good except for the word "medications"; and V 1 seems too "purple prose" and I think needs a rewrite.

But it's not like I've made a living from songwriting or anything


Oli

exactly chaz .. sometimes you don't realize you're messing up until
somebody points it out ..

and mitch .. i'm gonna get back on I'm For You .. it just needs
me to add the piano in .. and I wanted to wait until i got the
Bosendorfer m290 .. (which mjapan turned me onto .. and it's
awesome).

thanks again for the critiques and thoughts...
jeff