AnsweredGoogle is watching!

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craigb
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2017/09/13 20:49:26 (permalink)

Google is watching!

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash..

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

 
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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    synkrotron
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 20:59:38 (permalink) ☄ Helpfulby eph221 2017/09/14 18:33:53
    Funny, that... Thanks
     
    (best answer please)

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    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 21:11:08 (permalink) ☄ Helpfulby eph221 2017/09/14 18:34:07
    Hyperbole perhaps but this is why I was disappointed when our fine forum decided to cram "googleapis" down our throats if we want to comment.
     
    Miniature American flags for some!
     
    Virtual colonoscopies for all!!
     
    *hooray*
    #3
    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 21:14:04 (permalink) ☄ Helpfulby eph221 2017/09/14 18:34:10
    Remember when anti-trust laws and monopoly smashing were fashionable?
     
    Pepperidge Farms remembers... and weeps.
     
    *adjusts onion belt*
     
    #4
    synkrotron
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 21:22:50 (permalink)
    This topic is getting funnier

    http://www.synkrotron.co.uk/
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    soens
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 22:59:46 (permalink)
    than....
    #6
    synkrotron
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 23:04:13 (permalink)
    soens
    than....


    Being hit in the balls with a 10 pound lump hammer? Perhaps?

    http://www.synkrotron.co.uk/
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    MandolinPicker
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/13 23:40:36 (permalink)
    Beepster
    Remember when anti-trust laws and monopoly smashing were fashionable?




    Looks like it may be coming back. Two recent articles on how the anti-trust movement against big tech firms is gaining speed.
     
    Conservatives Liberals Unite Against Silicon Valley
    http://www.politico.eu/article/conservatives-liberals-unite-against-silicon-valley/
     
    There's Blood In The Water In Silicon Valley
    https://www.buzzfeed.com/bensmith/theres-blood-in-the-water-in-silicon-valley?utm_term=.ka1AX8Dpx#.qsdOGjJnz
     

    The Mandolin Picker
    "Bless your hearts... and all your vital organs" - John Duffy
     
    "Got time to breath, got time for music!"- Briscoe Darling, Jr.
     
    Windows 8.1, Sonar Platinum (64-bit), AMD FX 6120 Six-Core, 10GB RAM
    #8
    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 00:05:54 (permalink)
    Good. We've been getting dangerously close to the old robber baron days again (with a nice slathering of Orweilian looky loo-iciousnous) despite 2008 and the ensuing madness.
     
    But I'm sure those benevolent banksters are still safe. Great guys thems iz.
    #9
    bapu
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 00:19:51 (permalink)
    Bankers are the new rappers.
     
    Mo paypa for dem.

    My name is Ed. I Am still bapu though.
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    #10
    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 00:23:08 (permalink)
    I'm not particularly a fan of the new breed of rappers either.
     
    Weird noises and random grunting does not a song make.
     
    And I say that as a fan of Skinny Puppy.
    #11
    kennywtelejazz
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 21:20:08 (permalink) ☼ Best Answerby craigb 2017/09/16 17:13:47

    Google is watching!

    Hello…is this Progressive Insurance ?

    No sir, it's Google Insurance .

    I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

    No sir, Google bought Progressive Insurance last month. How can I help you ? 

    OK. I would like to get a price quote .

    Do you want your usual, sir?

    My usual? You know me?

    According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you told us that Flo our spokesperson annoyed you so much that you wanted to take her behind the Carousel and boink her and show her who the real boss was ... 

    Gee how did you guys know that , I thought that was just a secret fantasy of mine .Yeah ,OK That’s what I want …

    May I suggest that you raise your standards a lot higher and try to get yourself a real girlfriend instead of an imaginary fictitious TV personality as a substitute  . 
     
    What? I thought celebrity's and television spokespersons were supposed to fill a large void in lonely unsuccessful peoples lives  .

    According to all the information and data we have collected on you  . You have it all wrong .
    Your mental outlook on this topic is not good sir . We are here to serve you and make money off of you .
    If you live in an Imaginary world with Imaginary friends and relationships , there is no profit in it for us.  

    WHAT THE HELL?, How the hell do you know me ? and what the heck do you mean by all that ? 

    Sir,  I'm sorry, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you .
    We are currently not at liberty to discuss the details of how we shoved a Deluxe Yellow Submarine Spy Center Suppository up your Keister  .
     
    You did What ? 
     
    Sir I understand how you feel  , Would you like to speak to a supervisor ?
     
    Yes I would like to speak to a supervisor ..
     
    OK let me connect you , Sir please hold ....
     
    Ring Ring ,,,
    Hello Mr Wilson , you have reached the confidential voice mail of your very own personal Electronic Virtual Guardian Angel  . I am not available to come to the phone at the moment , so when you hear the beep please hang up the phone and walk Duke . Duke has been patiently waiting for you to do so .
    While you are out walking Duke do yourself a favor and just forget that Lady that keeps giving you the eye ...
    it's not for you its for Duke ...
    When you get done walking Duke I want you to forget about paying that one bill you have yet to have gotten delivered this month in your mail box ,You know the bill I'm talking about ...the one that you are waiting on .
    Instead I want you to hop into your car and drive over to Guitar Center and buy that new guitar you have Goggled 25 times in the past few days ... G C  now has it in brown sunburst ..so rush and hurry your A$$ up and go get it ....

    I'm sitting here thinking to myself ...Huh ? WTF ? 

    Oh BTW Mr Wilson in case your sitting there thinking to your self Huh ? WTF ? don't you think it's about time you got dressed and put on your cloths ? 

    OK that's it Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.
     
    Mr Wilson you don't have enough money to do that , and you never will because I'm here to make sure of that .
    Is there anything else I can help you with before you hear the beep ?
     
    WTF ....No . haven't you done enough for me already ?
     
    It 's my pleasure to have been of service to you Mr Wilson please have a nice day....beeeeepppp  
     
    Gee thanks 
    Kenny
     

                       
    Oh Yeah , Life is Good .
    The internet is nothing more than a glorified real time cartoon we all star in.
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    #12
    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 21:41:24 (permalink)
    kennywtelejazz
    beeeeepppp  
     



    WTH did I do now?!
    #13
    kennywtelejazz
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 21:52:22 (permalink) ☄ Helpfulby Beepster 2017/09/14 21:54:14
    Beepster
    kennywtelejazz
    beeeeepppp  
     



    WTH did I do now?!




    Hello beeeeepppp  , you have reached the confidential voice mail of Mr Wilson .
    I can not come to  the phone right now because I'm out walking Duke and then I have to go out to Guitar Center .
    When you hear the tone please leave your message 
     
    Kenny

                       
    Oh Yeah , Life is Good .
    The internet is nothing more than a glorified real time cartoon we all star in.
    I play a "Gibson " R 8 Les Paul Cherry Sunburst .
    The Love of my Life is an American Bulldog Named Duke . I'm currently running Cakewalk By BandLab as my DAW .
     
    https://soundcloud.com/guitarist-kenny-wilson
     
    https://www.youtube.com/user/Kennywtelejazz/videos?view=0&sort=dd&shelf_id=1
     
    http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=427899



    #14
    Beepster
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 21:58:27 (permalink)
    Not so amusingly enough immediately after I posted that I received an urgent message from urgent government type people who have been stringing me along for years saying they will reset the clock on said stringing along if I did not jump through their hoops (again) and left a # to call back if I had any queries.
     
    Called back within a minute or so of receiving said message and was informed that their office has been closed for an hour and a half.
     
    Pretty cool, dood.
    #15
    soens
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 22:39:32 (permalink)
    kennywtelejazz
    OK that's it Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.




    #16
    bapu
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    Re: Google is watching! 2017/09/14 22:52:03 (permalink)
    Waves or UAD?

    My name is Ed. I Am still bapu though.
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    #17
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