For Mooch - The Rules of the Game :-)

 
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last, this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:
 * Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
 * Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
 * You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light pantie liners with wings...+5
In the snow.....................................+8
But return with beer............................-5
And no liners..................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a cricket bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub...-2
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate....................................... 0
The mate is happily married..........................+1
The mate is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!

Why aren't women expected to leave the toilet seat lifted when they've finished :o)?
That toilet-seat-lowering thing is something I've never ever understood.

Or is it that when the seat is lifted all the golden sprinkle spread by women on the underside (from where it also drips down along the outer surface of the pool)  of the seat gets embarrasingly exposed?
I'm sure many women don't even realise how well they can paint the seat, they just blame men if they see a tiny drop somewhere. Well, I do admit many men are unable to use their hoses with sufficient accuracy :o)

Am I violating the TOS... Noooo...can't be....

Since I attained emotional maturity many years ago I've got more in touch with my feelings as a real Man.

Therefore now if there is any disagreement indoors I've found that if I just cry and sob continually until I get a hug things normally work themselves out in the end.

I forwarded this to the good lady of the house and she said "-100,000 points for sending the email".

Heh...  I just loved THIS Geico commercial with Abe Lincoln!

jamesg1213

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding......................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................-35 You reply, "No, I think it's your arse".........-100 Any other response..............................-20

Yes..when Mrs G asked 'how does this dress look?' I probably shouldn't have said 'like a boa constrictor digesting a giraffe?'


-Infinity for me.

You should have said if you lie down you'd look like a hat...

Or is that for when they look more like a boa constrictor digesting an elephant?

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry where are you when I need you?

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15 You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy shirts...-30 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

Well Ive gain back the weight I lost training and running the Chicago marathon last year - and prob gained back even more ...soooooooo






how many points is that ?




I must say all your advice and this poit system is EXCELLENT!

There are two ways to engage in an argument with a woman:
1) Let her think she is winning
2) Let her win

No other option works.  

Of course my philosophy was always "Don't argue with your wife, dicker."

Background...  A good 20+ years ago, my girlfriend was the roommate of MY roommate's girlfriend (in other words, both of the girls shared an apartment and my roommate and I lived in the same house along with a couple of others).

Anyway, I'm talking with my roommate in a room when his girlfriend walks in and drops that famous "Do I look fat in this?" question.  So, what does my roommate do?  He cups his hands over both ears and runs out of the room screaming and didn't return.  I would have been LMAO if he hadn't left me to deal with the aftermath of a VERY pissed off girl and, although "I" had nothing to do with his reaction at all, somehow both she AND my girlfriend (after she heard what happened) were mad at both of us.  I still remember wondering why "I" wasn't getting any because of something my roommate did...  (It WAS the funniest response to that question that I'd ever seen though!)