Happy treason day to all in US

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Twigman
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2008/07/04 10:23:56 (permalink)

Happy treason day to all in US

Shamelessly stolen from a certain Mr Cleese:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.


Thank you for your co-operation.

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#1

115 Replies Related Threads

    The Maillard Reaction
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:31:19 (permalink)
    My take on the revolution is that you guys just walked away so you could spend more time on the immensely more profitable business of terrorizing asians.


    :-)


    #2
    Fog
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:45:14 (permalink)
    twig.. your reminding me a lot of a certain top gear episode hehe >

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lEx-XADpb8&feature=related


    I believe that shows also available on BBC America


    post edited by Fog - 2008/07/04 10:46:17
    #3
    papa2004
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:47:21 (permalink)
    We won...Deal with it!

    Regards,
    Papa
    #4
    ricstudioc
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:50:18 (permalink)
    Sigh.......... I DO so miss Python.... absolute masters of the absurd.

    Ric
    #5
    gnie
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:54:36 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: papa2004

    We won...Deal with it!


    But, did we...?
    #6
    kayehl
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:55:41 (permalink)

    i was all ready to go along with it until i hit #18

    I am not an expert
    #7
    Roflcopter
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 10:56:27 (permalink)
    My take on the revolution is that you guys just walked away so you could spend more time on the immensely more profitable business of terrorizing asians.


    With you guys in hot pursuit in your steamboats...

    I'm a perfectionist, and perfect is a skinned knee.
    #8
    papa2004
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:04:14 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: gnie


    ORIGINAL: papa2004

    We won...Deal with it!


    But, did we...?


    ??? We (the U.S.) gained independence...How we've chosen to implement the available options are subject to question, but at least we have options...

    Regards,
    Papa
    #9
    daveny5
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:05:50 (permalink)
    At least we have good dentists!

    Dave
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    #10
    Spaceduck
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:18:14 (permalink)

    3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.


    Fair enough! But only if you crazy brits agree to pronounce "Worcester" with 3 syllables; you may elect to spell it "Wooster" if you find you simply can't cope...


    P.S. I've been a big fan of saying Aluminium. But most folks here just look at me like I'm a redneck.
    #11
    Desperate Dan
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:23:15 (permalink)
    My take on the revolution is that you guys just walked away so you could spend more time on the immensely more profitable business of terrorizing asians.

    I thought the Asians were terrorising the Brits

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    #12
    zungle
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:28:04 (permalink)
    Twiggy,

    Excellent points indeed.

    Please don't fret the fuel prices.............. let your fellow countryman know..... the trip across the pond is worth the dentistry alone.

    Happy 4th
    #13
    bitflipper
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:31:19 (permalink)
    I love Independence Day. It is my favorite holiday, but my affection has nothing to do with independence from Britain. I love the 4th because it is a celebration of independence in general, and seeing it observed restores some of my faith in the American spirit.

    Fireworks are pretty much banned everywhere, at least the good ones. Many communities ban them altogether, others restrict sales to the so-called "Safe and Sane" variety of boring smoke bombs and sparklers. And every evening newscast carries a warning about how dangerous they are in a story about how some idiot blew his fingers off with a home-made bomb made from sparklers.

    But the local Indian tribes still sell the good stuff, things that fly high in the air and explode. And thanks to them, we can show that the spirit of independence is still alive by ignoring the law, which we do in great numbers.

    Tonight, the sky will be filled with non-sanctioned artillery. Millions of dads will happily flaunt the law right in front of their children, who will hopefully continue the tradition with their own kids.

    As I sit on a lawn chair in the yard enjoying the show, I am smiling because every explosion is an act of defiance, and I am reassured that we Americans have not become government-controlled sheep.



    All else is in doubt, so this is the truth I cling to. 

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    #14
    Moe2
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:36:04 (permalink)
    Independence day, was the day I freed myself from Steinberg and moved over to Cake!!!
    #15
    dstrenz
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:36:14 (permalink)
    Good idea! Assuming all of our old recordings will be banned, It would open up a whole new market for blues tunes,,,

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    #16
    DW_Mike
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:38:54 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: kayehl
    i was all ready to go along with it until i hit #18

    That's funny. I'm ready to go along with it because of #18.

    Mike

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    #17
    gnie
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:41:50 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: papa2004


    ORIGINAL: gnie


    ORIGINAL: papa2004

    We won...Deal with it!


    But, did we...?


    ??? We (the U.S.) gained independence...How we've chosen to implement the available options are subject to question, but at least we have options...


    Was just kidding in the Cleesian spirit of the OP.
    Sometimes I wish we were a bit less Amerikan in our tastes.
    #18
    cryophonik
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:42:01 (permalink)
    Shouldn't you be working, Twiggy?!

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    #19
    nachivnik
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:45:39 (permalink)
    Hear hear, bitflipper! An inspiring speech to begin the 4th.
    #20
    Roflcopter
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 11:46:21 (permalink)
    Shouldn't you be working, Twiggy?!


    American Freedom - the right to work 366 days a year without medical insurance.

    I'm a perfectionist, and perfect is a skinned knee.
    #21
    John
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:18:44 (permalink)
    I must take my hat off to you Twig. Very funny and well done. Only close friends could ever care that much. I do also thank you for commemorating the Forth in such a brilliant way. Quite!

    Best
    John
    #22
    The Maillard Reaction
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:19:08 (permalink)
    "American Freedom - the right to work 366 days a year..."


    How else do you expect us to afford our gun cabinets?




    post edited by mike_mccue - 2008/07/04 12:21:27
    #23
    John
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:20:13 (permalink)
    What you mean pickup trucks?

    Best
    John
    #24
    The Maillard Reaction
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:23:00 (permalink)
    No but I think that's a great addition to the sentiment.

    I was just talking about all the personal armories scattered throughout the neighborhood.
    #25
    Roflcopter
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:29:29 (permalink)
    Well if you're off to work most of the time, much good it will do you. ('Dear Criminals...')

    I'm a perfectionist, and perfect is a skinned knee.
    #26
    The Maillard Reaction
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:33:38 (permalink)

    :-)
    #27
    gnie
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:40:32 (permalink)
    Could be worse. I have friends in China working twelve hour days.
    #28
    The Maillard Reaction
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:47:58 (permalink)
    Heck, I clocked 15 yesterday... on 5 hours sleep... such is the life of a freelancer.

    :-)
    #29
    gnie
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    RE: Happy treason day to all in US 2008/07/04 12:52:48 (permalink)
    Hopefully doing something you like...
    #30
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