I actually quite enjoyed the"ridiculous post" - no harm no foul 😎
I generally have a kind of intuitive approach to these things, as with most things creative. Partly that's because I only half know what I'm doing with regards to the engineering side of all this, and I'm more interested in making more music than I am in buckling down and properly learning the technical stuff, so I kind of play to my strengths which are on the musical / creative side. Maybe that's lazy and I should spend more time shoring up my weaknesses, but I'm in this to have fun and it's more fun, for me, to just kind of dump the blocks on the floor and start making stuff.
So when it comes to compression I'm likely to just pick something that feels right, maybe something new I want to play with or something I haven't used in a while, and try it out and mess with the knobs a bit and see if it makes things sound better. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't but I learn something in the process, or hear something in a new way, that sparks a new idea.
That may not be helpful to someone trying to use the 'right tool for the job', but given how much beautiful and important art has been made over the centuries by breaking rules and misusing tools, I think a reasonable case can be made for my more intuitive, fun-driven approach...
The right compressor is the one you have that makes it sound better, not the one you don't have that you think will magically provide something you think is missing. Make some music with what you have.
He said, talking mostly to himself...