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I like it, but could use a little more focus with respect to tonality. Even the most out there scat singing has melodic elements to it.  Lyrics are great!

eph221
I like it, but could use a little more focus with respect to tonality. Even the most out there scat singing has melodic elements to it.  Lyrics are great!

Could you please explain this!  Are you telling me that the melody I worked so hard on for a year isn't there?
Maybe I should post a lead sheet.
 

Where's the song gone?

Reposted

I kind of hear what eph221 means John. You've really set yourself a heck of a task singing that melody, I think it's out of your range in that key.
 
The melody is there, I'm not convinced it's right for the lead vocal though, a lot of the lyrics don't scan well. It works really nicely played by the muted trumpet in the break, maybe it needs simplifying somewhat for a vocal?

It's supposed to be a demo.  They don't take your performance.  They pitch it to somebody else (established artist).
I'm not the greatest singer in the world, especially with my asthma.  I thought I had a winning melody there, but I guess I don't.  So I won't enter it.  Thanks for bringing me back down to earth.  That's why I posted it here.  Better to find out for free that it's unusable than to blow $35.00 for the "pros" to tell me the same thing.  This song is just another POS like everything else I produce.
 
JB

I haven't listened to your song yet (it's blocked at my workplace), but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You've spent a lot of time in something you feel passionate about and that's what's important. Even if people don't appreciate it the same way you do, it's ok....you did it from the heart (sometimes, with sweat and tears :)). Just keep on making the best music you possibly can and don't worry about pleasing the masses.

It's far from a POS John, the melody and piano playing are lovely, I'm just not sure it works the way it's written. No-one's an 'expert' on whether music is good or not, it's all subjective, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.
 
If you have faith in the song, but not confident in your voice, why not try one of the online session singer websites?

I have to agree with the other that it is possibly the wrong key for your range,  though I am no expert regarding vocals.  I also agree do not be so hard on yourself, try to see if someone else can sing it for you prior to your submission.