Turns out this laptop is going to be a bust (and returned later today). I spent all of last night (3+ hours) and an hour more this morning just trying to let the machine update itself to the latest Windows 10 (Anniversary?) build wherein it perpetually fails in the following manner:
From the initial BS dialog box saying everything looks great(!) to update it goes -> Download ->Verify -> Faile Verification -> repeat download -> Download (again) -> Verify (again) -> Fail verification (again) -> Shell out to another dialog box stating the download is corrupt, generating a worthless MS error code 0x80070057 (IIRC) which upon a Google search revealed that basically it's a problem and best of luck. Yeah.
Now, I COULD go through the motions trying to fix this I suppose, and maybe it's possible to do so. I am a database admin and a long time IT Pro -- but for $1475, I sort of expect a computer to work out of the box, and do Windows Updates without issue BEFORE I ever install anything. Plus I wrestle with this crap all day, every day at work and I paid a premium price for a supposed "seamless experience" and a touch screen. Apparently not so much. Call me weird, but screw that nonsense especially when my 2013 era desktop running Windows 7 is still rock solid (I'd hoped to replace it and be mobile in one fell swoop). So I guess I'll just stay there until I am forced to move now.
Edit: For those interested, check out this lame fix that only MIGHT work:
http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/how-fix-windows-10-anniversary-update-error-0x80070057-1574752