On second listen, maybe the "seconds, minutes, hours" part is being repeated a bit too much. How about on the first line of the chorus you say, "Hours, days, years, gone..." Then on the next line instead of doing, "Seconds, minutes..." you go to something else with the same melody. The idea, thematically and lyrically, is great but covering every unit of time is a bit much. Seconds and minutes are too inconsequential to be included in a song about lifetimes. If you go that route there there are also nanoseconds, equinoxes, and leap years to consider.

(I would swear I posted this before.)

ORIGINAL: bdfutch
As can't I, because that means eventually I'll driving to the mailbox to get a check.

Brian, have you had any songs picked up by other singers? I would think with the quality of your songs and the pro demos that you'd have a decent chance.

Brian, have you had any songs picked up by other singers? I would think with the quality of your songs and the pro demos that you'd have a decent chance.

I've had songs on hold before, but they always seemed to get knocked out at the last minute. Had one called Family Reunion on hold for 6 months for the country group, Shenandoah, and then they broke up. I was pissed because, at the time, you weren't supposed to pitch it if they put it on hold. Nowadays, I don't think anyone really doesn't pitch even if it is on hold. Anyway, I've gotten close, but no cigar. Just have to keep trying, cause if I don't it for sure will not happen.

I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT!!!Man, I'm glad it's Friday.

I told you, trust the Llama..he's a hit maker!

Alright, when you say speed it up. How do you mean? Speed up the idea in the chorus, but leave the music?

Hey, Zippo,
I gotta head to the house. Go ahead and put your idea and I'll check it later from there.
Brian

I'm not the wordsmith but something like this in the same amount of space you already have.

..............................................>\/maybe the ed_mcg backup singer idea here
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, Did she take some time to pray

or some other words that reference the lady above.

We’re busy, living, and time ticks away,
..........................................\/ and here
Weeks, months, years, gone, Her children struggle on.
I give thanks for every breath I take,
Cause time ain’t gonna wait,

then the second one refs the child growing up.

..............................................>\/maybe the ed_mcg backup singer idea here
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, Her own family to raise
We’re busy, living, and time ticks away,
...........................................\/and here
Weeks, months, years, gone, Watchin her grandkids on the lawn.
I give thanks for every breath I take,
Cause time ain’t gonna wait,

then the rest just like ya have it without the added stuff.

Then again, the llama could be wrong, there's always a first time! :)
Feel free to use any of the extra words if ya want.

Zep--

I'm running my guitar direct through my VS840. It has amp cosms

really? I'm impressed with that.. It's a great sound.

It's a great song. Weeks, Minutes thingy is fine. it annoys some, then maybe it'll stick in their heads. That's what makes a hit. repetitive, cutsie, phrases. It's also a good idea for the hook.

Bill,
I plan on shopping this song to some well-known platinum(or less) selling artists who will then produce it for mass consumption, thus enabling one like myself to go to the mailbox and pickup a check so that I may buy untold quantities of recording gear, guitars and a new waffle maker.

Brad,
I appreciate your comments. I agree that the repetition is what makes it stick, however, after listening to some of the comments I think I've figured out a way to keep some of the repetition and change the melody just a little in the chorus. After singing it for my wife(who by the way, seems to get some morbid enjoyment out of critiquing my work) she seems to like the new way so I'll re-record the vocals at the house and re-post for your pleasure. Honestly, there is a point at which the critiquing becomes just personal preference and that's the part that's hard to deduce, which is why I look for a consensus.

you have to synthesize your own answers out of the whole combination of responses from other folks. Which it seems you are doing, so good for you!

agreed!

Yeah, that's me singing. I'll be changing it a little this weekend and will re-post. There'll be no change on the seconds, minutes, hours, days, but the second part where I say weeks, months, will now be, "weeks turn to months and the yeeeeears roll on". It should be enough of a change to keep it from being too repetitive. One of the things I've learned about songwriting is, most of the time, less is more. It's gotta be easy for somebody to sing to and remember. I'm hoping everyone will be able to remember it.

You like the new version of Little wing?

Where do I start? uhhhhhh....Very much.