Ninja attack

Thursday afternoon I was minding my own business, taking my garbage out to the curb like all of the rest of my neighbors (we all take our garbage carts to the curb at the same time). A the exact moment I reached the curb with my cart, a dozen ninjas came down the street like a whirlwind, kicking dogs, stealing Girl Scout cookies, pushing little boys off of bikes and, of course, turning over all of the garbage carts and dumping the contents into the streets.

As I watched in horror at the madness unfolding before my eyes, I knew I had to do something, not only to protect myself, but to come to the aid of my neighbors and bring justice to these unruly Ninjas. No one else in the neighborhood would be able to do this. I was on my own.

As the first ninja arrived (they always attack one at a time, no ninjas in the world yet have mastered the art of ganging up on a single adversary so that they can use their combined force instead of working independenty), I knew I had little time to defend my garbage cart. As I waited on the first ninja, I assumed the crane position because that's what everyone does when dealing with ninjas, bullies or karate kids. I easily dispatched the first ninja with my right foot to an upper cut knocking him backward over my driveway and landing hard on his back in my wife's flower garden in the front yard.

The second ninja was not taken so easily. He came at me with a staff, twirling quickly as his feet moved seemingly a few inches above the ground, swiftly approaching me like a DC-3 on steroids. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my 9 LED flashlight. I turned it on and shined it into his eyes, which was tough because he was wearing the traditional ninja black hoodie. As I blinded him with my flashlight, he hesitated before getting close enough to me to send me spinning away with his propellor like grip on his staff. The hesitation was just enough for me to sweep his feet out from under him, causing him to hit the staff on the ground as it went spiralling forward, this caused a reaction of the ninja sending him shooting up into the air and across the street flying along with his revolving staff because he had a death grip on it. He landed with a huge thud on the garbage cart of the neighbor across the street, sending garbage flying and knocking him out for the duration of the fight.

The third ninja then came at me from behind. As he placed his staff at my throat and pulled me into his body, I bent like a reed in the wind and pulled him over my head, removing the staff from his uncommonly dainty hands. I then thrust him on his back onto the driveway, then quickly spun the staff around and smacked his right ear hard enough that he would be hearing the bells of St. Peter for many moons.

Number four was already in motion as he had assumed a flying crane position and was already in midflight heading toward my head ready to kick me into the next neighborhood. Quickly, I spun the staff back up to catch him in the nether region in this midflight position. He crumpled into a ball looking not unlike a spider curling his limbs up into his body as he fell from the sky with a dull thud and a haunting cry as he reached for his nads to cradle them back into position. I left him wimpering on the road beside my cart as I readied myself for the next attack.

The next 7 ninjas came at me one by one and each one of them I kicked, karate chopped, smacked, bruised, beat and generally took down each one in their own fashion. When I had finished disabling each of these ninjas, I knew I was in for the final battle with the baddest, most gnarly ninja yet. The reason i knew this is because they always put the best ninja at the back of the line so that he's the one fighting last in order to have the best final battle after the hero has already been worn down by the first 11.

We stared at each other from across the driveway before the battle began. He was not only sizing me up for my weaknesses, but he was also in awe that I had taken out all 11 of his companions as they came at me one at a time. He removed his hoodie hood so that I could see his bright eyes, glowing like the sun at midday in the Gobi Desert. His jawline was sharp and bore the scars of many battles. His nose was crooked from being broken so many times. His brow was hard and dripping with sweat and blood from attacking previous trash carts.

We nodded to each other from across the driveway in ninja fashion before the battle began. As soon as the nod was over, he let out a rough ninja scream as he began firing ninja throwing stars towards me at a rapid rate. I bent this way and that dodging the stars because this was only the beginning of this battle and if he had won at this point, ratings would have dropped and we'd have lost our sponsors.

I bent with the wind and looking at me avoiding these stars one would have thought I was channelling Neo. When the stars were exhausted, he began running at me with the look of death in his eyes as he danced across the hot Texas concrete toward me, spinning his staff in the fashion of a Texas ceiling fan.

I stood poised, patiently waiting his arrival with my staff behind my right arm standing erect and with my left hand extended in a defensive, but yet offensive posture from a finger.

The ninja leapt at me during the last 6 feet of distance between us and as he descended toward me, I swung my staff upward and clocked him with an upper cut to the jaw. He crumbled the remainder of his descent as i moved stealthily around his backside.

I was not prepared, however, for a sweep that would have made Mr. Miagi proud. The sweep took out my right ankle and he followed through with a wax on, wax off which broke my ankle sending me into searing pain and causing me to fall full force onto the driveway.

The ninja knew he had me at this point and he pounced once again. What he didn't remember, however, was that I still had the flashlight in my left hand and I once again used the flashlight to blind the ninja beause they keep their hoodies on so much, they are very sensitive to light. Once blinded, I was able to thrust the flashlight upwards into his abdomen, then forcing downward as he fell toward his jewels.

the ninja's face curved in a twist of horror as he realized not only that he was defeated, but that he would never again walk upright.

Unfortunately, I did sustain this broken ankle from delivering my neighborhood from these ninjas. I did not receive any help or reward nor did they even clap at my heroics. They simply returned to their mundane lives and went back inside their homes using the garage door openers, closing me out of their lives once again with the clang of the metal on concrete from the closing of the big overhead doors.

I pulled myself up from the driveway and limped back inside. I could see the swelling on my foot rising and I knew I was going to be in trouble with THE BOSS when she found out. I tried to hide my brokenness by saying it was just a sprain and refused to go to the emergency room. She insisted, however, that I go see the doctor and get X-Rays. Luckily I had time to remove the metal plates I had installed in my legs to prevent damage from Ninjas before the x-rays were taken.

Alas and did my foot swell to the size of a small watermelon and I sit here this morning with my foot elevated and an ice pack in rotation trying to control the purple orb that is now my foot.

I will be calling the orthopedist today to try to get an appointment and see what he might have in store for me other than the terrible shiny metal poles I must stick under my arms for locomotion.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I revel in my glory with the dispatch of 12 ninjas before I was taken down with a broken foot. I will rise once again and keep this neighborhood safe, tho, from unwanted unruly ninjas, Girl Scouts and small cats.

.......what really happened in the backyard.....
 

Beagle channels Bubba.
 
But not Juan honourble mention of Bapu, Bayoubill or BECAN.
 
Pfffft.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Hope that ankle gets mo bettah sune. 

Hope you feel better.
 
We don't have ninja problems here.
 
It's a zoning/permit thing. The ninjas talked a good game, but then they went to the Clerk's office to fill out the paperwork and no one's heard from them since.

Beagle
 I fell off of the curb when taking the trash out!

get well soon Reece...

I feel your pain there ......I'm only a couple of weeks out of this fella......
 

 
Weird thing is how used to it you get and how it feels weird and almost wrong not to have it on for a while afterwards.

Sorry about your accident, Beagle.  Get well soon.  Have some Becan while you recover. 

Sew, ewe got das boot, ya?

rsp@odyssey.net
I'm stunned to hear of this brutal ninja attack, but I'm swollen with pride at your heroic effort to defend what's rightfully yours. Too bad about the injury, but as you were able to so bravely defend yourself, I'm sure you'll heal faster than an average man. It's obvious you are well above average. Almost super hero material.
 
Randy

Only Mr. Odyssey.net seems to understand the true Yen of the situation.  Thank you Mr. Odessey.net.  May the Force be with you.

Glad you don't have to get surgery Beagle. I hope you mend quickly. Oh, and I really enjoyed the story.

Beagle , Rest up and save your Energy  
 

 
the leader of The Evil Ninja's  are planning another battle 
 

 
sincerely Reece, all kidding aside , I do hope you feel better, 
 
Kenny

Hey, wait a minute...  How do we know which side of the fight he was really on? 
 

Good luck with it, Beags. 

I just hope you yelled out some good catch phrases during the fight. The one I usually hear from you is, "Put the meat down before ya get a beat down." I mean, you don't want to just leave them moaning in the gutter. You want to leave them moaning in complete and utter humiliation, fully cognizant of the enormity of their failure, and ruing the day they went outside in their ninja pajamas.
 
Here are a few that I'm hoping echoed around your neighborhood. I'm sure yours were better, but I've already started my list.
 
"Looks like you've been downgraded to a pink belt."
"Eat concrete!"
"You don't scare me! I've seen Bapu's Moobs!"
"Don't bring a handful of prancy little boys in tights to a Tank fight, sucker!"
(After stuffing a pair of ninjas headfirst in a garbage can...) "I'm takin' out the trash!"
"There's no crying in Ninjutsu!"
"One does not simply walk into Beagle's yard! At least, not if one wants to keep one's ankles!"
"Beaglenado!"
"Your Momma wants her sweatpants back!"
"I've seen scarier Girl Scouts!"
(After pulling the waistband of an enemy's Ninjaroos over his head and slamming his cranium into the back of a Volkswagen...) "Farfegnoogie!"
"Break one foot? Hah! I can still kick you into the next century, chump!"
 
Yeah, I bet the neighbors treat you with a little more respect now. I'm also guessing that there won't be quite as many kids dressed up as ninjas on Halloween this year. I've already purchased my Beagle costume. Those things are going to sell quickly.
 
Hope your paw heals quickly. Don't lick it.