Once Bitten

So, I was lying in bed the other night, minding my own business, sound asleep when SOMETHING bit me on the shin.  I didn't realize this at first, since I was asleep.  I woke up earlier than normal due to the intense pain.  It felt like someone (or something) had kicked me in the shin.  More accurately, it felt like Godzilla had put on steel toed boots, charged full speed at me (without the tail slide), and kicked me in the shin as hard as he could.  I don't know if shooting flames out of his mouth was involved, but I'm guessing it was, just for the effect.
 
I got up and went through my day.  I wondered all day long, "What did I run into to bruise my leg like that and why don't I remember it?"  Once I got back home, I followed my normal practice of complaining to my wife about anything I don't like.  Usually, that results in a statement along the lines of, "Oh, will you get over yourself, already?"  Not that day.  She checked it out and said, "That's not a bruise.  That's a bite.  It's probably a spider bite."
 
Spider?  I assured her that it felt much too substantial to be a mere spider bite.  Given the level of pain, I would have thought I was attacked by a wolverine or a cobra.  She said that she doubted that either of those were lurking under our blankets.  I wasn't convinced. 
 
It didn't get any better throughout the evening.  The pain was more intense.  I revised my opinion.  I was now considering that I had, in fact, been bitten by a panther.  They're dark.  They like to hide and pounce when you're not expecting them.  That seemed plausible to me.
 
A quick check of the environment did not reveal any panthers, however.  All evidence, I decided, led to Time Travelling Sabre Toothed Tigers.  Of course, they're not here now.  They only come back when you're sleeping.
 
My wife sighed and asked if I had eaten anything so I wouldn't be crabby.  Of course, I hadn't, but that wouldn't change anything.  I had some dinner, then I felt a little better.  My leg, on the other hand, did not. 
 
I realized that Time Travelling Sabre Toothed Tigers were somewhat unlikely.  Our climate was a little too warm for them.  That left only a few possibilities.  Bears, Sharks and Dragons had not yet been ruled out.  So, after exhaustive searches, metaphysical analysis, and a Batman flashlight failed to turn up any evidence of a Bear/Shark/Dragon attack, I faced facts.  That left only one possibility.  Tyrannosaurus Rex.
 
This morning, however, it feels better.  I think it may have been a spider bite after all.

I'm just lucky I didn't have to eradicate all spiders within a 5 mile radius before bedtime.  I thought that was a very real possibility.

 
Black hole, without a doubt Bubba.
 
You'd have noticed any of the real/mythical animals you think may have caused it - but a black hole... I don't think so. Your shin has been spaghettified, that's all.
 
Luckily for you, it appears that all the Hawking Radiation leaked away overnight evaporating the singularity therby saving the rest of the planet your leg.
 
Any further questions - fire away, Professor Strammy is in da house.
 
 

 I wonder if pig flesh played a part in this scenario.

That's well worth the risk.

Good thing it wasn't lethally poisonus, 'cause i don't think you had it checked by a pro as it progressed.

No, I didn't have it checked by a pro.  I did whine and complain excessivly, though.  That's got to count for something, right?

A Pro would've given you unnecessary antibiotics, a shot of epinephrine for an anticipated anaphylactic shock, and some morphine to calm you down.....just to find out it was only a red ant bite.

If it was a spider bite.... the brown recluse is the worse one to be bitten by... http://www.bing.com/healt...bite+symptoms#symptoms

I've known some people that had BR bites and they can become  quite serious.

A normal spider will bite too and that kinda sounds like what you had.  Do you have scorpions in your area? they also have been known to bite/sting people.... generally most are not much worse than a wasp sting.

Did you look to see if it has 2 puncture marks or 1?

I was bitten by a black widow on my leg above my knee.
It put a knot about 5" diameter 1.5" thick...it was hard...I was
driving a couple of days later and it turned soft and started
shrinking...the palm of my hands and the soles of my feet got
red hot.
I drove @ 30 more miles to our destination and went out for 14 hours.
When I awoke I had silky smooth skin on my palms and soles....
very strange. I've heard the poison exits the body and that depends
on the person I guess. Wasn't a fun trip.

UbiquitousBubba


I haven't seen scopions around here.  I'm not sure if they still tour.  

Brought a big to my face!!! (Good one!!)

Morphine, you say? And all I have to do is endure a spider bite? I'm in!

Last time I got morphine it was a side dish to a heart attack. I'd take a spider bite over that any day, hell, even a panther bite, if it was a small panther.

For all of my whining and complaining, I haven't gone to see a fakir witch doctor quack fraud health care professional for this.  This is due, in part, to the fact that I recently spent my life savings on becan and don't want to spend a lot of money to a doctor who will examine me for 10 - 20 seconds, prescribe Tylenol, and tell me to get plenty of rest and lose 75 pounds.  I'll try to ask what losing weight has to do with this and the doctor will already be gone, off to scam the next victim.  I'll ask the Phsycian's Assistant the same question only to receive the response, "Because you disgust me."

I would also feel like a total wuss asking for substantial pain medication for a spider bite.  Unless I was bitten by Shelob, it would be really hard to justify that.  In order to handle this in a manly fasion, I lay on the recliner with an ice pack on my leg and whimper.  Hey.  A man's got to have some self respect, you know.

You lost me on number 3.  Sorry.