Philosophical question on "moving" in the social structure

How many of you have "uprooted" your significant other to follow a job or a band or whatever?  discussion doesn't have to be limited to moving to another city or state or country, but even something as localized as a "social entity" such as a movement from a particular church to another church in the same city, or changing "country clubs" or changing "dance clubs" or some "social club" such as that?
 
when you moved to the other social area (whether geographical such as moving to a new city or local such as those mentioned above), how did you decide that was the best thing to do for both of you?  what happens if you decide to move to a different place but there's nothing available for your spouse/significant other to do in the new place?  for example if you are both involved in a dance club, but you decide that you need to become a DJ/Coordinator of another dance club because their leader has left and they asked you to join them.  but now your spouse/significant other doesn't really have a role in the new dance club because in the old dance club you two were just members together and just dance partners, but in the new club there's only a place for one leader, so your spouse will now no longer have a dance partner at the new place but he/she still has to be "just a member" of the new place?
 
I realize that's a pretty far stretch from my true situation which has prompted this discussion, but I'm trying to be inclusive and not violate the TOS or ask questions which a lot of you will not really understand since you're not involved with church (that's not an insult - I'm trying NOT to insult or exclude anyone from this discussion!). 
 
how did you handle it?  was your spouse/significant other a major factor in the decision or did you decide to move whether he/she wanted to or not?  was there a possibility that he/she wouldn't go with you?  how did that factor in your decision?  how did you handle that?
 
discuss, please!

What is this "significant other" concept I hear so much about anyway?

craigb


What is this "significant other" concept I hear so much about anyway?

Your DAW?

Reece,
Twenty years ago I decided I was moving. The economy was so bad that the home I lived in and had invested in for @14 years would sell for $14,000.00 and no that's not a typo.
I had a studio in the backyard worth way more than that.
Times were as bad in that town as one could imagine.

I took a week vacation and hung around the house and planned my exit.
My wife's family lived in that town too.

The day I finished taking care of all the details I told my wife I was moving. I also told
her if she stayed to be with her family I'd understand. She had two weeks to decide. She immediately said, "where you go, I go".

Twenty years later after starting completely over from losing everything....we're both
very content and very glad I took that vacation.

We've been married 36 years and not once, that I can recall, did one of us "make" the other do something and on the other side....we support each other 100%. Not always understanding at the moment all the details but support non the less. We're friends. It's not just a word ya know.
 
No we didn't have jobs waiting us. We were on our own. I did however have us a home
to live in...yeah, that was part of the"details" I mentioned. We still live in it...and we own it.
She's retired with a very comfortable pension and I'm still working....as I type...lol....what a trip it's been.....and being.
Reece I think the population sign on the edge of town is 7 hundred and some...lol...our jobs weren't and aren't in town though LOL.

Life's an adventure...follow that voice inside ya...what "they" gonna do? Spank ya?

These kind of 'living' dilemmas are the hardest choices to make.

When illness or loss is imposed on our families it is often easier to deal with as there is no choice to make, we have to make the best of our lot.

These things are truly the toughest kind of test as sometimes merely doing the 'right' thing isn't enough when what is really needed is the 'very best' thing for all concerned.

Pray, listen and mostly, give time time.

  I had a similar situation where we went somewhere because of a contribution I could make to the group. Although it wasn't terribly bad there. It wasn't really a good fit either,so we stayed until I helped them get things going.

  They had a person there who at least thought he could do what I had been doing so we left to go to a more compatible place for the both of us. It was a sacrifice on both of our parts to stay there and help out. If the place you are at  has the help they need,I would not be afraid to move to another place where your help might be in more demand.

  It has never been difficult for us to find a place where what we did wasn't in need somewhere. Maybe different where you are though. If you are good at what you do then it should not be hard to find that place to be. If this is causing problems between you and your significant other though I always say that family comes first.

JB - I've said this before, but I'll say it again - you are a man of wise words (and wise cracks, too, but that's not important right now! )

Michael - I've done that before as well.  my wife and I hadn't been married long and the kids were young (2 stepchildren, 1 18 month old between us) when I decided I wanted to move from TX to TN to finish my degree.  I didn't give her a lot of choice then (I'm sure she could have decided to stay and let me go, but she feels the same way your wife did!), but there were a lot of other circumstances too complicated to go into in this forum.  she didn't have family here, but the stepchildren's grandparents were here.  long story short after living in TN for 7 years I finally finished my degree and we moved right back here for the job.  she was very involved in that decision, tho.  great story!

Bub - man, I'm sorry to hear that.  I have to say that I understand what she's saying, but I'm sure I wouldn't like it either, even with that understanding.  I pray that you can figure out a way to resolve it and I pray that you find a job that you don't hate.  hating your job will make your life miserable, good luck.

JB - wise again....how did you get to be so wise?

Dave - ok, since you're bringing up examples which are more closely related to my actual situation, I'll risk it and explain better...

warning  - Christian views ahead...proceed at risk....
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We've been at this church for over 7 years.  we chose it based on many things, but the biggest of which was the youth department since our kids needed a solid youth program.  well, the kids are all graduated from the youth program now and it's just my wife and myself living at home.  The church is 1000+ in attendance on Sunday mornings - pretty large congregation, large "production", mostly "middle class" members.

I've been in choir here and I've sang a few solos, but I've not been used much for worship and it has been a point of frustration for me since I feel that is my ministry calling.

enter an old friend:  an old friend asked me to come visit her church.  I did.  I fell in love and felt drawn to the church.  the church had lost all of its band and there were only 2 people leading worship, the worship leader with an acoustic guitar, my friend who is singing harmony but not playing any instruments and they are singing to "backing tracks" or just Steve playing guitar.  the drums and piano sit vacant and there's no bass or anything else.

this church is in a VERY poor part of town and they cater to "families in crisis" - they give boxes of food away on Monday nights to the poor and needy in the community.  they have a program for drug abusers and ex-convicts and the church is very different from what we're used to.

For June and July I offered to help them in the worship service on Sunday morning and Monday night to see if I "fit" in their band.  right now I'm just singing with them, but if I stay past July, I'll bring in my keyboards and join them. 

I really feel like I'm being lead to this church for service, for ministry.  but my wife really doesn't like this church.  she'd be leaving our relationships at our current church, she'd be leaving her ministries because they don't have a choir or drama at the new church (and that's what she's involved in at our current church).

but she has also said that even tho she doesn't like the new church that if I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, then her place is with me, regardless of what she loses.  I tried to suggest to her that she could continue going to our current church on Sundays and she could join me on Monday nights, but she doesn't want to do that.  she feels that where I go she goes, all or nothing.

I really feel like I belong here.  but I really hate dragging her away from her comfortable place and away from her service. 

that's my REAL dilemma.

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sorry for the REAL "Christian" side track...carry on....

Katie_Katie


Sometimes we are presented an opportunity so good that it causes angst.  This is, most likely, what you are experiencing now - situational irony.  Depending on your relationship I would treat it as a team decision - what is best for the team(family) in the long term.  Consensus based on the pros and cons (use a piece of paper and write them down) is the correct choice.  Love and caring can sometimes obfuscate the correct course of action.  This is akin to O'Henry's Gift of the Maji.  All they proved is that they loved each other - but their decision was materially incorrect.

Just my thoughts.

Katie^2 - normally I would agree with you 100% for any real situation other than what I'm faced with right now.  I know I've written more on the subject while you were writing this, so I'll let you absorb it (or not - your choice) before commenting more.  she feels her place is with me, regardless of her desires to stay where we are.

Reece, let me add something.

If my wife stands up and says, "I"m out of here"...I stand up and we leave. I don't care what her reasons are...you know why?...because she's not an idiot. She knows about friends and family and me and them and this and that. She made a decision and I back it. Period.
No family member, no body will turn me against her. Period.

If I stand up and say I'm out of here.....you know what she's gonna do.
All I can say is pitty the fool that gets in the way.

It's real simple to us.
I'm I always right? No.
Is she? No.
But we know who's got our backs. That's all we've ever needed.

Jonbouy

I really feel like I belong here. but I really hate dragging her away from her comfortable place and away from her service.

She's making a choice to follow you?

Man, that ain't no dilemma, that's just a whole new reason to love her even more!

oh, believe me I know I have a great wife and I love her more every day! 

Reece - I figured that was where you were going with this. Since your current church has such a large choir and could probably manage without you for a while, would your wife be okay with spending 3 months or so at the new church? Just let them know you're not making a permanent commitment? She may change her mind after she can see opportunities where she can pursue her calling there, and not just following your calling. If she still doesn't want to switch, I would say stay where you're at and find other ways where you feel you can put your gifts to more use.

Something to consider: Is your main motivation your personal enjoyment or that in the different church you feel you can use your gifts and service to better serve His kingdom? I'm sure it's partially both. If it's mainly the latter, I think it would be important to make sure your wife understands that, and that it's not a situation where you're wanting her to give up something she likes so that you can pursue something you like.

I do Reece.
Oh yeah....one more thing....we didn't get to the part about when you
made the wrong decision....................................................................
it's not so bad...they just make certain you understand how ya screwed everything
up! LOL
Now spank me baby spank me baby.....oops...was that Steppenwolf?

spacey


I do Reece.
Oh yeah....one more thing....we didn't get to the part about when you
made the wrong decision....................................................................
it's not so bad...they just make certain you understand how ya screwed everything
up! LOL
Now spank me baby spank me baby.....oops...was that Steppenwolf?

HAHA!!!  and they NEVER forget, eh????? 

Katie_Katie


Well, now that I've read the 'rest of the story', my original post is non-sequitur.

I've mentioned before that I was raised Catholic and I can understand much of your thoughts.  But,  although your dilemma has a religious binds I feel it can be looked at in the abstract.  

First, I truly believe in the "calling".  Not necessarily religious, just a calling.  Maybe destiny.  But I truly believe that there are people who are destined to be in a profession where they will excel and they are called (use whatever term you want) to be in that profession.  There are people that are meant to be doctors, policeman, teacher, musicians, artists, psychiatrists, ministers and the list goes on. 

If you feel strongly in your particular calling, then you will be denying both your happiness and, more importantly, the happiness of those lives you will touch. 

Small example:  I sent my daughter to K-State for to prep her for Veterinary school - that is what she wanted to be.  While attending college she assisted in daycare and after school for tutoring for underprivileged kids.   A light bulb went off and she found her "calling".  She is now a school teacher.  Pays a lot less than a vet, more stress than a vet, but she excels at being a teacher and she touches the future of every child in her class.  She is happy with here life and calling. I could not be more proud.

Your spouse has skills in drama and choir. One could argue that she is being called too - to help in an area that has little and where she could bring so much.  She could be just the right catalyst for the new church.

Again, my rambling thoughts.

ah yes, very good points and I hadn't thought about it in the "secular" version of calling, but I agree, it's basically the same!  "calling."  you're a true visionary as well, my internet friend!  great story about your daughter, too, very relevent!
 
and I understand your ideas about her skills translating to the new church.  I just hope she can find that use for her "calling" using those skills (or others) in the new church as well.  I think she has a lot to offer and use in the new place myself, but I can't push her into doing anything in particular, she needs to find her spot on her own (mostly!).