Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you!

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jimusic
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2017/08/13 22:33:51 (permalink)

Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you!

I do hope this isn't cutting across any forum rules I just read about 'Religion'.
It's not my intent to abuse, violate or ignore said rules.
If I have, I do understand if it gets deleted, but know that my intentions are pure at heart here for individual help in my time of need, being a member here since 2006, and not to offend, ostracize or upset anyone here. Thank you.
............................................................................................................................
Hey Buds,
Long time no read or post here - I've only replied to a post once here in the last 1-1/2 years.
But this is a call to any and all who believe in prayer and the power of it.
 
I'm asking if you would be so kind as to take a moment and pray for the healing of my wife.
 
She's dying.
 
Her name is Kindness. (I'm Jim)
We do believe in miracles, especially since God has answered our prayers before, both individually and together.
For those wishing to read on, more follows.
For those who wish to just stop here and pray - thank you with all my heart. Thank you also even for just reading this far.
..................................................
Kindness had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago, and asked to have both her ovaries removed, but she was talked out of it by the surgeon. Still, she persistently asked, but he kept refusing because he didn't want to send her into early menopause. She was 32 at that time and is not quite 35 now.
Fast forward to March of this year, and there it is - ovarian cancer - having one ovary left that she couldn't even use to have children with anyways.

Kindness has been diagnosed with aggressive ovarian cancer, and told that she has clear-cell carcinoma, which affects more young woman than old.
It also doesn't always respond to chemo very well. She was given about a 50/50 chance of survival. That was on May 4, and she started chemo on May 10.
The oncologist had a tear in here eye.
You know when the Dr. starts welling up, that can't be good news. Myself, I went into semi-shock right there and then and stared at the floor in disbelief for the rest of that initial meeting. My wife was extremely healthy. I was the one it should have happened to, having a number of health changes over the last few years, now that I'm in my mid 50's.
.............................................
Kindness finished her 4th round of a scheduled 6 and was handling chemo really quite well. Even the Oncologist was impressed. We were told that the main tumor and all the smaller lesions had shrunk a bit, but not fast enough to do surgery on yet. Naturally, we were pleased with any progress whatsoever.

Then when she went in to start round 5 - about 17 days ago - she reported about how much pain she had been in the last few days, which her Mother and I knew she had here at home for a few days already.
So they cancelled her chemo and sent her to ER where we spent 13 hours there to see a doctor for about 4 minutes, who did some blood tests and then sent us home.
A few days later, her fever here at home rose to a dangerous level, so we went back to the ER as advised when I called that morning.
After a grueling 36 hours there, they finally moved her upstairs, and she's been in the Palliative Care Ward ever since July 30.
I was hoping that she could come home on my birthday, Aug. 2, but no.
..........................................................
Her Mother is living with her in the hospital room, and has been with her 24/7 since July 30.
Because we had moved closer to the Hospital and Cancer Center on June 1, we now live just 2 minutes away.
So, not having much room in the hospital room, I would go home each night to sleep, while her Mother stayed with her full time. I would be there 10-12 hours a day, and would go in and out and get anything needed or desired for either of them.
 
On Aug. 8, I told Kindness that I could not get there until later. She didn't seem to believe what I said about it in an email she sent me that morning. I finally got there at 5 PM but was then turned away by one of our more favorite nurses, who said no visitors right now.
I notice a pink note taped up on the door behind the nurse where my wife had been.
So I handed 2 CDs for Kindness to the nurse and returned home and then noticed that email that my wife had sent me earlier that morning.
She mentioned how much she likes seeing me and misses me when I'm not there, but that she felt I was 'draining on her' because of my obvious sadness and worry about how things were going. She said that she felt that I really didn't like what was happening, even though we were not discussing anything, nor crying, nor anything else but just sitting reading, smiling at each other, etc. 
She also said she doesn't know how to fix that and that she couldn't give me the attention she felt I needed, and that it was hanging over her like a cloud. I recall my mood being just steady and even - concerned, but not expressive in any way.

I replied with a short email telling her not to worry about me and my needs, and that I was just naturally concerned and worried about her as anyone would be and that she has nothing to fix or do for me, and that it's all about her right now.
 
I'm not sure if she ever read that reply or not.
 
The last communication I got from her in a text was that she had some really bad news.
She met with the Oncologist and a social worker that day, just before I was turned away.
 
Her Mother later texted me that she was also not privy to that meeting, (but she must know by now, being there with Kindness full time). I was asked to just respect Kindness' wishes - about not coming to see her for now - maybe just for a few days.
I haven't heard from, talked to, communicated with or seen Kindness since then.
 
That was 6-7 days ago, on Aug 7.
 
Her sister has come a few times to get a few things here at home for her and communicating as a 3rd party to me with what little she knows, and so I kind of know what my wife probably doesn't want to tell me or face me with. I don't think she knows what even little bits I've been told.
She's been in a quite a lot of pain for a few weeks now with pain relief being given every hour or two, and going in and out of consciousness and sleep, and the associated confusion, etc. that would come with all that, not to mention the 'news' that she just got a week ago, of course.

It's killing me to be here without her, knowing that she has only been given 2 -3 months to live - maybe less - and that I want to be with her, but can't, as I wish to respect her wishes.

But I think it might be just too much for her - at least for now - to see me face to face.
.............................................
A few days ago. her sister took some of her favorite stuffed toys - dogs, bunnies, bears, etc, that Kindness likes, and some clothes and photos, so to make her room more homey and comfortable.
 
So last night, I also sent along with that sister, one stuffed pink bunny that I bought for Kindness shortly after we got together almost 8 years ago.
 
I later got a text that that upset my wife, and caused her some anxiety, of which she has struggled with over the years.
(Over the last 8 years, it was her family that caused her anxiety - particularly her Mother - and it was me that she couldn't wait to be back home alone with that could make her feel calm, settled, safe and normal again.)
...........................................
At home here, I myself am seeing and stumbling upon so many triggers of memories - saved greeting cards, emails, photos, songs, TV shows, clothes. etc. that we liked and shared together of our happier days not so very long ago, so I think she just can't go there yet - or maybe even at all. I can barely handle it!

I'm being told to accept what is, has and will happen and to even start accepting the grieving process, but this is indeed the hardest thing I've ever gone through - especially while she's still alive and so close by.
 
And it could go on for months - only to have to go through it all over again if and when that day should 'officially' come.
...........................................
I think that the plan is to try and let her heal from the complications that have interrupted her chemo treatments, which would require as little stress as possible, of which to her, seeing or even thinking of me is one of those main stressors - her constant concern and worry about me and what I must be going through.
She's like that - she's always concerned about others, regardless of what she' going through.
Add to that the thoughts of losing our potential future together plus what we've had so far.
..........................................
So Brothers and Sisters - I'm really not doing so well here.
Naturally, I want to be with my wife.
Yet not being able to see, hold, comfort, kiss, talk to, text, or email the woman I love so much, thinking that she is most likely dying in pain, agony, sorrow, stress, and disbelief just 2 short minutes away from me here is proving to be almost unbearable. 

It's like I'm in a 'key-less prison' where I can come and go anytime I want - except the one place I want to go - to see and be with her.
 
I feel so helpless and useless, not to mention my heart being ripped open!
I've always fixed or done anything for her she's ever asked, but I can't fix this!
 
Hence the prayer requests.
 
So please pray for us, if you would.
And if you could remember a week from now and ask your church or place of worship and prayer to join in together, that would be great too!

As stated above, we have had answered prayer in our lives before, both individually, and together.
(Thank you for reading this far.)

Jim
 
 
#1

25 Replies Related Threads

    Beepster
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/13 22:44:33 (permalink)
    I am not a religious fellow but am not so bold to presume that positive thoughts, well wishing and empathy cannot have an effect in this mysterious universe... even from afar and to those I do not even know personal.
     
    So you have all of those from me.
     
    I am sorry to hear about your struggles and I hope you can make it through this as best as possible.
    #2
    outland144k
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/13 23:28:47 (permalink)
    I will pray for all of you, as will my wife. I will bring this up in church for prayer as well. As I'm guessing you know, there is a balm in knowing others are sharing your pain and praying to the Father for you.
     
    Something to consider, hard as it may be to do: often, it is good (even in pain) to focus our thoughts away from our anxiety. My wife's favorite psalm (Ps. 145) is appropriate for this. If you can, try to get some time to meditate on this (or a similar psalm or passage). My wife would often meditate on this psalm as I was in a coma following a heart attack in 2009. If you need the text, I will send it to you.

    “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy” is attributed to Benjamin Franklin perhaps in error, but the thought remains a worthy sentiment nonetheless.

     
     
     
     
     
    #3
    craigb
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/13 23:43:20 (permalink)
    Hopefully this link works...  Check this out since it's well known that the usual approaches make pharmaceutical companies richer than the cure people with cancer.
     
    http://marketing.alsearsmd.com/acton/rif/28028/s-00da-1706/-/l-00ea:7ee4/l-00ea/showPreparedMessage?utm_term=browser&utm_campaign=The%20FDA%20wants%20to%20crush%20this%20%5Cu201Ccontroversial%5Cu201D%20therapy%20%20&utm_content=email&utm_source=Act-On+Software&utm_medium=email&cm_mmc=Act-On%20Software-_-email-_-The%20FDA%20wants%20to%20crush%20this%20%5Cu201Ccontroversial%5Cu201D%20therapy%20%20-_-browser&sid=TV2:2xCUnp9ou
     
    Also, you may want to research Oxygen Therapy.  It "only" won the guy who came up with it a Nobel Peace prize but, since the FDA is in the Big Pharmaceutical company's pocket, it's outlawed in the U.S. (even though members of the FDA itself have traveled to Germany to have it done to them).
     
    Two comments:  Intent is everything!  Keep her positive and focused on beating this.  My Mom had the same but was at a stage where they gave her 0.3% chance of surviving.  She was determined to live and did - for 19 years and counting (she's 88 now).  The other comment is that all positive thoughts have power, religious or not, so you'll be getting bunch from this direction! 

     
    Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
    #4
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/13 23:45:11 (permalink)
    Thank you outland144k.
    My wife used to read the Psalms to me and some older folks she used to volunteer for at their own Palliative Care Center in a different hospital before she took ill.
     
    I will read it today.
     
    I try to do and think of other things, and it works sometimes for a while - even an hour or more, but...thinks come back around. Pretty much for sure when I go to bed and when I get up. In fact, if I wake up to turn over, it can be very tough to sleep again. One of my biggest challenges will be: How do I sing again?
    My wife loved my singing and piano playing, and the thought of doing some songs she loved and some other painful ones now is very hard to think about.



     
     
    #5
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/13 23:50:04 (permalink)
    Thanks Craig.
    I think that's where my wife is trying to get to and stay there. Even her Dr. and others have said the same - the attitude and belief of the patient is much of it.  
     
    Before I click that link, we have stumbled upon reading that kind of thing already, so I think I know just how it will read. But I'll check it out it anyway.
     



     
     
    #6
    JohnKenn
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 00:06:10 (permalink)
    Jim,
     
    Not much I can say that will bring a cure, and the situation of metastasized ovarian cancer is quite grave.
     
    2002 a physician came back after reading my CT scan. He had a tear in his eye. He said, you're a pharmacist, here is the CT. A picture will tell you more than a thousand of my words. I knew this was not good. I had basically rotted away from my throat to my knees. They did a hail Mary and said to get my things in order. They didn't even know what they were dealing with.
     
    Not a lot to say good about cancer in any of its forms. Been battling for over 15 years and maybe just too mean to die. Got a recurring date with destiny in a year or so with another major mutilating operation to try to keep me chugging away for a few more years.
     
    Has given me lots of time to think and reflect on cancer and mortality. Not preaching to the choir because I am the choir.
     
    Two pieces of advice for what it may be worth.
     
    First, anything that is good. Anything that is lasting. Anything with the sentiment of love endures. Our short stay here is meant to pass so we can get to a better place, but we go on. Higher and higher. Bonds of love are never broken. They continue as we take on different masks in a glorious ascension.
     
    In the dirt of the earth, your wife may not have any hope for survival. If there is any hope, it is within the scope of current clinical trials. Please consider this.
     
    A hundred years from now, maybe 50 years from now, medical science will look back on us as being in the barbaric struggling dark ages of cancer treatment. Current chemo and radiation protocols are evolving, but still a toxic blast that takes out everything hoping to get the cancer. Later the stage of diagnosis or progression, the worse the outcome.
    Another problem. Oncologists are the biggest liars on the planet. They have to be. There is so much involved in the mental state of the cancer victim that can weight the life expectancy months either way.
     
    They have to pump you up with hope when they know there is none. Please second guess, get second opinion, third opinion.
     
    Got to Google and search for clinical trials. There are government sites, private sites that are testing the latest and best therapies against cancer. The treatments are not available to the general public because the long term safety issues and FDA approval are not there. Means that yes, this can cure your cancer, but we don't know if your hair will fall out in 20 years.
     
    Please search the trial databases. Metastatic ovarian cancer is likely a death sentence under approved treatments. You must reach out of the box if there is a possible cure. And there may be at the rate we are progressing in our understanding
     
    Please also keep me in the loop. PM or post. Can evaluate the trials and help with selection. God bless you and your wife. For whatever I can do, I'm here for you both.
     
    Love and support,
    John
     
     
     
    #7
    Beepster
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 00:06:17 (permalink)
    I've been dancing around the most tactful way to say this but I guess this is about as good as it gets...
     
    She's your wife. Despite her protestations and your desire to respect her wishes if you love here (obviously) and she loves you (that's your call)...
     
    I would just show up for five minutes every day. Whther she screams, throws crap at you, whatever. Just walk in (at the most convenient time for her and the doctors) for 5 minutes. Just announce "I love you, honey and I respect your wishes but I am sitting here for five minutes to be with you... because I love you and that's that".
     
    Don't be a mopey crying lump. Be there for her for the entire five minutes and say NOTHING about yourself or the outside world. You just be a presence of love in the room for five minutes and leave once it's up. Even if she says "No... you don't have to go" and you can tell she's just saying that for you say "it's okay honey... I just wanted my five minutes and now I'll let you be".
     
    If she wants absolutely noone around that's fine and that can be respected but that five minutes might turn into ten... or twenty and so on.
     
    The thing is you CANNOT even for a second make those five minutes about anything else than what she wants to discuss even if she wants to discuss anything at all.
     
    I would also ask the hospital if they have any grief and/or end of life counsellors or if they can recommend some to sort out the obviously very tricky (but not unusual) dynamic you have described.
     
    If there is indeed hope for recovery through the power of positive thought (or prayer) then generally it all comes down to the mental/emotional state of the patient.
     
    Self isololation is not in anyway uncommon but it's also not beneficial or healthy in any way.
     
    BUT I don't know your situation and I am not a shrink. Just some thoughts from someone who's been on both sides of that coin.
     
    Sometimes even though people SAY they don't want anyone around they are being what they think is stoic, selfless or they seriously don't FEEL like having people around when they tell those people to bugger off... but feel SO much better after a short, light/unobtrusive visit (not a long drawn out weepy affair) which then in turn helps them heal,
     
    In the worst case scenario though at least you and she got those small 5 minute visits.
     
    Sorry if that's all too... well personal/pseudo-psychological but that's a pretty sad story.
     
    Best to you and absolutely hoping your lady bounces back.
     
    Cheers.
    #8
    Beagle
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 00:18:51 (permalink)
    Jim, this is probably the thing that I fear the most in life; my wife being taken from me by something I can't control.  I am very sorry to hear of this emotionally unbearable situation.  I truly pray for a miracle that only God can provide and peace and comfort if it is not provided.
     
    I will pray for your wife, and for you and your family. 

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    #9
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 00:40:13 (permalink)
    Thanks guys and all who are starting to chime in here and still will afterwards.
     
     It's great to see such concern and care - especially when I have only one or two people I can talk too in person.  
     
    And one guy drinks a lot, so I have to call and see what shape he's in before I listen too long and too much.  
     
    (First wife was an alcoholic, so it's kind of hard to listen to him when he's plastered too.) ;(
     
     



     
     
    #10
    bitman
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 02:51:14 (permalink)
    Done and will continue to fervently.
    #11
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 03:13:42 (permalink)
    So here's what I'm now thinking:
     
    I go to the Hospital Administrator and the Oncologist and tell them all that has gone on, including that I am being excluded from any news, any reports, and especially any decisions affecting my wife.
    That I've only been told 3rd hand by text, etc. to stay away, and that for all I know, my wife may think or even be being told that I've abandoned her by now.
    Who knows what she thinks when she's in & out of drug induced consiousness.
     
    And that I never appointed the mother as primary care giver and decision maker in lieu of my forced absence, despite
    her taking over, regardless of my intentions, thoughts and feelings.
     
    Let them know that if my wife is indeed dying, then I want to go through it with her. That's what couples do.
     
    My only real concern now is that if indeed my wife doesn't want to see me, then I could screw everything up and not be able to reconnect with her.
    Then be banned with security being called on me there afterwards.
     
    These nurses don't even know what I look like. I don't even know what room my wife is in.
     
    i wish I knew for sure. I wish I had a crystal ball.
     
    Any further advice before I possibly mess it up completely tomorrow?
     
    I would expect the hospital admin to understand and maybe even ask, "Where have you been for a week now?"



     
     
    #12
    michaelhanson
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 03:17:47 (permalink)
    Praying for you Jim.

    Mike

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    #13
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 03:53:47 (permalink)
    Thank you Mike



     
     
    #14
    Beepster
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 04:43:38 (permalink)
    jimusic
    So here's what I'm now thinking:
     
    I go to the Hospital Administrator and the Oncologist and tell them all that has gone on, including that I am being excluded from any news, any reports, and especially any decisions affecting my wife.
    That I've only been told 3rd hand by text, etc. to stay away, and that for all I know, my wife may think or even be being told that I've abandoned her by now.
    Who knows what she thinks when she's in & out of drug induced consiousness.
     
    And that I never appointed the mother as primary care giver and decision maker in lieu of my forced absence, despite
    her taking over, regardless of my intentions, thoughts and feelings.
     
    Let them know that if my wife is indeed dying, then I want to go through it with her. That's what couples do.
     
    My only real concern now is that if indeed my wife doesn't want to see me, then I could screw everything up and not be able to reconnect with her.
    Then be banned with security being called on me there afterwards.
     
    These nurses don't even know what I look like. I don't even know what room my wife is in.
     
    i wish I knew for sure. I wish I had a crystal ball.
     
    Any further advice before I possibly mess it up completely tomorrow?
     
    I would expect the hospital admin to understand and maybe even ask, "Where have you been for a week now?"




    That sounds like decent and respectful plan.
     
    This is indeed quite sad. Unless you were an abusive arse then you really should be able to speak to your wife at the very least.
     
    Brutal stuff, man. Best to ya and your family.
    #15
    Bert Guy
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 05:43:30 (permalink)
    Jim,
     
    I can't understand the interpersonal dynamics of this nightmare scenario you are in the middle of. But I learned -first-hand, when my younger brother passed away 26 years ago- that there are some things that happen to us that cannot be understood. And it is futile to try. 
     
    I pray tonight for you and your family,
     
    Bert
     
     

    Silence is so accurate
     
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    #16
    Slugbaby
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 12:48:10 (permalink)
    I can't begin to feel what you're going through Jim, but I wish you all the luck in the world.  It's an absolute nightmare.
    If I were you, I'd go to the hospital every day.  Not into her room without permission, but go there.  Talk to the Dr if possible, but at least let someone know that you're there if she changes her mind.
     
    In 3 weeks I'm playing a charity concert for Ovarian Cancer Canada.  I'll be thinking of you and your wife.

    http://www.MattSwiftMusic.com
     
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    #17
    Mesh
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 12:59:15 (permalink)
    Jim, I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's condition and your situation. Will certainly offer our family Rosary tonight for you and your wife.

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    #18
    patm300e
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 13:04:57 (permalink)
    Prayers for both you and your wife...
     

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    #19
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 15:24:28 (permalink)
    Thank you all.
    I do think I'll go and see the Hospital Admin, the Oncologist, and let them know that what's going on and that I'm being excluded from everything that I'm entitled to know and be apart of.
    I won't go into my wife's room yet, but I think I'll go up to the ward (once I find it) and introduce myself to the nurses.
    Then go every day and ask how she's doing and what is being done, and that I want to be kept informed on all of it.  
     
    I expect trouble from the Mother if she sees me, who is very controlling and has tried many a time to break us up, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
    My fear is that she'll rile my wife up and make her needlessly upset that I'm there, even though I won't actually go into the room.
     
    The hard part is keeping cool when she purposely riles me up, and she knows just how to do it.
     
    I've only had a few hours sleep for thinking way too much about this, but it's been a week now, and I think I must start on it today - the longer I leave it, the less control and options I'll have.



     
     
    #20
    michaelhanson
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 17:13:46 (permalink)
    Sounds like a good plan Jim. I will continue to pray for both you and your wife.

    Mike

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    #21
    bitflipper
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/14 21:59:09 (permalink)
    I've been where you are, Jim. Nothing prepares you for this, or for what comes after.
     
    The only advice I can offer is to stay strong. Which sounds trite, I know. What I mean is, don't despair if it sometimes feels as though your internal strength isn't up to the task. That's to be expected because, well, nothing has prepared you for this.
     
    Here's what I found out: strength comes from your connections. Connections to people, to places and to activities both familiar and new. Reconnect with friends you haven't spoken to in years. And make some new ones. Seriously. For me, therapy came in the form of joining a band. Plus, I got a lot of support from folks here, too. So stay connected.
     


    All else is in doubt, so this is the truth I cling to. 

    My Stuff
    #22
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/16 03:58:32 (permalink)
    Thanks Bit. I knew you'd chime in with some good, sound advice.
    And thanks to all others here as well. Much appreciated.
     
    I did go to the hospital admin who was very nice and understanding, who listened and let me express all my concerns. I did not go up to the ward nor speak to the Oncologist.
    The admin said she would need to look into it, (naturally) and then called me back to say that she would have the social worker talk to my wife as they have been doing lately - since the day I was turned away from there apparently.
    Neither will be getting back to me about this though, so it will all be up to my wife if and when she's ready to see me again.
    I was told by the sister that she sensed my wife now has some anger against me for whatever her reasons are.
     
    I suppose nothing's out of the question now though, what with 3 months of chemo poison, Hydromorphone and Gabapentin, not to mention her head injury at 7 years old, years of abuse from various men before I came along and of course the ultra terrible news she received last week and now has to face.
     
    The poor girl - and I just can't be there for and with her.
    At least she's not alone though.
     
    But my heart bleeds - because she always came to me for the last 8 years and I always fixed things and made things better for her.
     
    Someone suggested that her mother and sisters are 'permanent' but that I, as husband may be considered 'disposable'.
    I never thought of that, but that could be what she needs to think of me as now.
    It may simply be a defense mechanism for her to reduce her emotional stress load where I'm concerned.
    She will already be thinking of her mother and sisters feelings as it is.
     
    I'm starting to accept that I may never see her again, and may have seen her for the last time last week Monday. 



     
     
    #23
    Slugbaby
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/16 13:13:44 (permalink)
    jimusic
     
    It may simply be a defense mechanism for her to reduce her emotional stress load where I'm concerned.
     

    People do strange and unexpected things when they're in her position.  It's much easier said than done, but try not to take it personally.  This may not be "the real" wife talking now.

    http://www.MattSwiftMusic.com
     
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    #24
    jimusic
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/16 18:10:18 (permalink)
    Yes, true enough I suppose - just real hard after so many very close, special years.
     
    Try as I might, I just can't imagine what she must think at any given time nor what she may going through, not to mention the pain, which is most likely increasing.
     
    Thank you Slug



     
     
    #25
    slartabartfast
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    Re: Please Pray for My Wife - Thank you! 2017/08/17 00:23:24 (permalink)
    It is not too surprising that a person in your wife's position will revert to the behavior that sustained her as a child. It is not so much that a husband is disposable, as that people in the process of dying, and in the medicated stupor that palliative care offers, will regress to childlike coping mechanisms, and that includes trusting the people most who were most significant to them as a child. Going to the hospital administrator was perhaps not the best move. Nothing makes such people call in their lawyers as fast as a person asserting his rights. As a matter of law, in most of the United States and absent a durable power of attorney for health care, there is a statutory or customary hierarchy for substituted judgement in medical care that gives the spouse (the assumption being that this is the person the patient chose above all others) then living children, then parents the right to consent to treatment if the patient is no longer competent. You can find this pretty easily in your state laws. If your wife's current condition leaves her with legal capacity to decide, she is the decider, and can designate a person other than her spouse the authority to make these decisions. 
     
    Given that both you and your wife are believers, I would have though that the most appropriate contact would have been your pastor, or lacking a common spiritual adviser, the hospital/hospice chaplain. Such people are in a much better position to mediate the situation you describe than a social worker. 
     
    First, you must ask yourself, why the oncologist would have referred your wife to palliative care. In my experience, there are only a few reasons that oncologist will not continue chemotherapy. The first is that they have decided that the treatment itself is worse than the disease. One would like to think that they would stop treatment based on the fact that it has little chance of success, results in useless suffering, and represents a waste of assets, but most will give these issues only a secondary consideration, continuing nearly hopeless treatment so long as it is welcomed. The most important remaining reason is that the patient has requested that such treatment be stopped. Has your wife told her oncologist that she is ready to die?
     
    There is an unintended cruelty in demanding that dying patients continue to rage against the dying of the light. It has appeared in this thread, masquerading as exhortations to seek out quackery and clinical trials, for which your wife may well be too sick to qualify. Can you imagine the suffering imposed on someone who has come to grips with the inevitability of their own death, who is now confronted by demands that they wage a useless battle, simply because someone close to them cannot accept the inevitable? Can you picture your loved ones, making you feel guilty for failing to fight, clinging to the impossibility of your survival, failing to acknowledge their inalienable right to decide this single basic question that remains to them? This is the last and most basic opportunity you will have to demonstrate your respect as well as your love for your wife.
     
    I do not know God, but from what I have heard of him, I do not think that he is afraid of your wife's death, or that he will be influenced to intercede by my opinion, or yours. By all means attempt to make a reconciliation with your wife, in the short time that you have available. If her mother is the obstacle, use the law and the power of your church to help remove her. But do not bring your own obstacle by demanding that she continue to live when she cannot. 
    #26
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