Royal Proclamation to all Citizens of The United States Of America.

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
   
   The letter U will be reinstated in words such as “favour” and ”neighbour”; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ”doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
   
   Learn that ”yoghurt” has the letter H in it.
   
   You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ”zed” and not ”zee”) and the suffix ”-ize” will be replaced by the suffix ”-ise”.
   
   You will learn that the suffix ”-burgh” is pronounced ”burra” e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ”Pittsberg” if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
   
   Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ”vocabulary”. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”uh”, ”like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
   
   Look up “interspersed”.
   
   There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
   
2. There is no such thing as ”US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ”-ize”.
   
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
   
   You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
   
   Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
   
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
   
   British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly“ or “Red Dwarf“ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
   
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen“, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
   
6. You should stop playing American “football“. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Association, Aussie Rules and Gaelic football. What you refer to as American “football“ is not a very good game.
   
   Initially, it would be best if you played Association Football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to “American football“, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).
   
   We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2014.
   
   You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series“ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called “rounders“, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
   
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
   
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day“.
   
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
   
   All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
   
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call “French fries“ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps“. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
    
    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
    
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
    
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer“ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer“, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “lager“. The substances formerly known as “American beer“ will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Piss“ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Piss“. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.
    
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline“ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon so get used to it).
    
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
    
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

craigb


Bubba's touching story is cute, but slightly inaccurate.  In the true south they wouldn't have talked that much, they would have shot him, skinned him, eaten him and stuffed the remains.