Should I give up on my dream?

Music is about experiencing emotion and expressing emotion. Therefore, this is the reason why being in full emotional health is so important to me. But since I have chronic depression which is something that takes away my emotions, I feel that since I have lost the very thing that is most important in music, I feel anger towards myself and that I should give up on my dream of being a composer. Without the ability to fully emotionally experience and express music, then I feel that my pursuit in being a composer and experiencing emotion from music is all dead and worthless.
 
This immense value I have towards being emotional in music is not only the reason why I wanted to become a composer, but unfortunately, it is also the reason why I am angry and consider giving up. Even though I could pursue my dream anyway and try my best to have the attitude of making the best of what emotion I have, the fact that I have lost some of my emotion due to chronic depression is too overwhelming despite any positive attitude I might try to have.
 
But there is one thing that I have always done that has never brought me any frustration or such anger towards myself which is playing videogames. When I play videogames, nothing matters (not even my emotional well-being). All that matters is just playing the game and I have no such value towards my emotional well-being like I do with my music which is something that only serves to bring me anger knowing that I'm chronically depressed.
 
So you might be thinking now that I should pursue my dream of becoming a composer just like how I play my videogames in the sense that my emotional well-being does not matter and all that matters is just composing the music. Unfortunately, this is not the case because the only reason I want to become a composer in the first place is my value towards emotion in music. In other words, I would have no interest in just simply composing music alone if it weren't for my value towards emotions.
 
I am struggling right now to decide if I want to go ahead and actually pursue my dream of becoming a composer or to just give up and play my videogames. It is hard because I am obviously a perfectionist when it comes to my emotional well-being in music and this is the attitude that is making me want to give up. Me being a perfectionist only focuses on what I don't got rather than what I have now (in this case, my emotional well-being). However, this attitude of mine is something I'm not even sure I can change completely which means that as long as I pursue my dream of being a composer, I will always have this feeling of frustration and anger towards myself that my emotional well-being is not in perfect shape. And I'm not even sure this is something even worth putting up with.
 
Therefore, do you think I should give up? Or is there some other type of attitude that you can recommend for me that will encourage me to pursue my dream of becoming a composer despite my chronic depression? If you are going to say something such as that I should channel my depression into making music, this is not who I am. I hate my depression and I want it to have nothing to do with my music (and that even goes for my feelings of frustration and anger).

Hi Matt! Welcome to the forums!!!
 
I have no expectations from composing or playing music my music. It gives me a way to say what I can't say or feel any other way. It soothes me when I need soothing. When I'm mad at the world around me I can start playing or recording to release what's troubling me. It's my mechanism to cope. If you let it, composing and playing can put happiness back in your life. It has an advantage over video games because when your done you can come back to what you sang, played, or felt. It can help you  cry. It can help you laugh. It will change how you feel if you let it. And I do. Music is a gift for you and it costs nothing. No one has to hear it if you don't want it heard. It's for you and a voice you can call your own. 

Even the absence of emotion is a feeling and a evocative mental state that can be channeled into music. There is nothing you can or cannot feel that can't be channeled into your music. Don't give up your dream. Keep making music. Let it take you where it will. But keep making it.

That it. I have nothing probably good I am going to say. Music is not totally emotion, neither is playing a game. You must think you are the only one in the world. Sorry to disappoint you, there are many others all around. First you have to block out negative thoughts (actually I never thought it be on this forum, but it has been on other forums and I have given the same instructions (advice then whatever it is) and some call it meditation sort of like mediation.
 
Well, the end result is you have to train yourself. So here was that self-help book I read  a while back (actually it was something you listen to). When a negative thought comes into your thought brain, say "cancel, cancel". At first you will not catch it, but when you do repeat to yourself "cancel, cancel". You will get better at catching it sooner and you will do that, just say "cancel, cancel" when a negative thought comes into your brain. That will take 30 days, and you will catch on quicker to say "cancel, cancel" unlike you did at first when you do that.
 
After that as you also do that, take 20 minutes out of the day when you can relax in a quiet environment perhaps when going to bed. You think of nothing, and focus on relaxing only. You start off with imagining a very warm source shining down on you as your feet relax, then your legs, then your torso, and on up to your stomach, and through your chest, onto your neck, and finally in your face. Just feel the warmness on your feet first, and on up through your legs, and through your torso, and up through your stomach and chest, neck and face lifting up even through your hair and out of your body.
 
Surrounding you is an invisible shield, you can feel it, and it is all around you, the warmth flowing through every part of you as all stress leaves your person.
 
Now after all of that and while doing that, later after the 30 days, you may find that you do not have quite a focus. But do not think about it or worry about it, afterall, all the negative emotions and thoughts that once were there, are all gone. It may take awhile when doing that to channel your new-found strength into something that before was not available to you before doing those exercises.
 
Now you can always respond to an emergency if one comes up while meditating and respond and be alert and aware if need be. But while doing the exercise just let the stress flow out of you, and dissipate away from you.
 
Now the bottom line, if you think you can play a computer game or even play music without doing that exercise, then you are wrong, just plain wrong. Do it, and see the difference after a few months especially after the first month.
 
It does not hurt, and you do not need anyone else to accomplish that exercise, but you will do it, and in a couple of weeks you will have a deep relaxation episode where you know that is how it felt.
 
Now part of that came from Dr. Herbert Benson, and some parts from other people, I would have to look up to exactly remember his/her/spacealien name.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ7JfC3_Zgc
 
You know the main problem with people saying that they can not do that - exactly - a negative thought -but you after awhile caught your negative thoughts and said "cancel, cancel" and took care of that exact problem.
 
Now, will you make money with any of that, well that depends, on a lot of factors so there is always no guarantee nor was there any such thing for anyone else. But then it did not take all that much time to do any of that.
 

And computer games or music has never been about emotions. Yes, emotions can be a part of it, but actually it is intellect.
Get busy!
 
 
 

spacealf
And computer games or music has never been about emotions. Yes, emotions can be a part of it, but actually it is intellect.
Get busy!
 
 
 

Without emotions, then intellect has no value whatsoever.  Therefore, music is all about emotions.  Imagine pursuing gaining intelligence in music and such or even having all the knowledge in the world with no emotions whatsoever--it would be no different than a robot.  Therefore, intelligence alone by itself without emotion has no more significance than nothing at all.  
 
I feel that it's a scientific fact that no amount of intelligence or great things we do in life will ever make up for a lack of pleasure/emotion because in order to have such value towards these things is to have pleasure/emotion in the first place (as pleasure/emotion is what allows us to give emotional value towards these things). So it would be illogical to say that these things have value without pleasure/emotion or that they have greater value than pleasure/emotion. Now if you were to somehow have value towards something with no pleasure/emotion, then this value would be nothing as it is nothing more than a thought. Pleasure/emotion is what gives any notion of value life and without pleasure/emotion, it would be completely dead. Therefore, pleasure/emotion is the only thing that matters and any notion of value is just a thought and nothing more. It is the processes in our own brains that give these things life. Without such a process (which would be the process of experiencing pleasure/emotion in the brain), then they will have no life.

Matt,
 
What James said is the unvarnished truth.
 
Also, the essential quality of video games is that nothing actually happens when you play them- just a whole lot of zeros and ones get moved around in a box. The thought of doing absolutely nothing for hours depresses me.
 
Bert

I am not doing Opera music or song or telling a story with it.
I suppose there is emotion in that though.
Very few emotions in other music, unless you are thinking about a vacation spot or love or hate, or something else that takes you away from reality into another realm.
??
 

Yeah, I don't understand that statement, either. I guess there are people that don't put their emotions into their music (DEVO?), but for the vast majority, emotion is a huge part of the song. Emotion is what drives the songwriting process for me. Intellect is in there too, as in word selection, etc., but emotion is what makes me put the pen to paper.

spacealf
You mean the singing perhaps, but not the music part of it, and that is what I took what this subject was about. Not all music is singing either.
???
 
Why would anyone think of on singing as the music in a song?
To me music is music and singing is vocals.
??
 

Kind of a narrow view you have of music there Alf. Are you saying you've never felt any kind of emotion listening to instrumental music? If so, the great composers of the last 500 years have been wasting their time..
 
Also, there are many examples of vocalizations which are as much 'the music' as any instrument, Plainsong for one.
 
 

Some people think that some kind of sensitivity combined with some imagination can create a new kind of intellect.
And then they want to call it emotion.
I think people like that may usually end up in jail, be thought of as an weirdo, or shot, because the Judge decided that some people were looney, but still they ended up serving time from not being what is considered some realm of normal in the end.
The lunatics are on the grass - some kind of Pink Floyd song I verily remember now without listening to it again.
 
 

spacealf
You mean the singing perhaps, but not the music part of it, and that is what I took what this subject was about. Not all music is singing either.
???
 
Why would anyone think of on singing as the music in a song?
To me music is music and singing is vocals.
??
 

I was talking about the song as a whole. I was using the lyrics as only one example. The music is comprised of instruments and vocals. The vocals are sung as a melody, are they not?(rap and death metal excluded) They can also have complex harmonies sung with the melody line. The vocals, most of the time, are sung with emotion. The instruments can be played with this same emotion. I play and sing with feeling. I understand that there's a technical/intellectual aspect to it, but there's also a human/emotional aspect. I went to college for music as well, and know theory. Theory tells us what works and why, but it doesn't teach us that human factor of HOW to play a certain way to evoke a certain feeling. That's something that comes from within. Listen to Corelli's Concerto Grosso in G minor and you can hear it. I can appreciate that you approach music from a strictly intellectual standpoint, and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone is different.

jamesg1213

spacealf
You mean the singing perhaps, but not the music part of it, and that is what I took what this subject was about. Not all music is singing either.
???
 
Why would anyone think of on singing as the music in a song?
To me music is music and singing is vocals.
??
 

Kind of a narrow view you have of music there Alf. Are you saying you've never felt any kind of emotion listening to instrumental music? If so, the great composers of the last 500 years have been wasting their time..
 
Also, there are many examples of vocalizations which are as much 'the music' as any instrument, Plainsong for one.
 
 

I couldn't agree more, James. I listen to a lot of of Renaissance choral music and some of that stuff is as complex as a Bach fugue, all sung acapella-voices only. On the other hand, there are plenty of purely instrumental compositions that have a powerful emotional impact, Ma Vlast and the 1812 Overture  to cite a few.
 
Bert

jamesg1213
...
listening to instrumental music? If so, the great composers of the last 500 years have been wasting their time..
... 
 

My greatest fight both here and at the PA website. "Fans", that do not know, heard or even bothered looking at music history. All they know is the top ten and the songs they like!
 
Hate saying/seeing that here, as I thought we were more educated than stupid, but at times, seeing that is really scary, specially when you got "singers" that do not do vocals, in the late 60's and early 70's and the "voice" was being considered an "instrument", not just the carrier of some (sometimes) idiotic and silly lyrics that meant nothing to anyone!

jamesg1213
It's called 'leaning against an open door'.

There's a song in there James.