sharke
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Speed Bad Joke Writing
Some years ago I read a book someone gave me about the art of comedy, and one of the exercises in it was to write as many one-liners off the top of your head in 10 minutes. I wrote them in a One Note workbook, which I just found while tidying up my document folder. Some of them are BAAAD beyond words, but I think some of them are sort of OK. Verdict? Here they are. Can't believe I'm posting these. If you hear any of them on Comedy Central in the near future, you'll know that whomever tells them is a Sonar user.
God these are soooo cheesy....
My wife's worried that she's getting old. She says, "I have crows feet." I said, "They look perfectly normal to me."
I have a pet crow, he's starting to look old - he has people's feet around his eyes.
My girlfriend's mother wants some work done on her face and asked me if I knew of a good plastic surgeon. I said no, but I do know of a great cobbler.
I'm very attracted to older women. It's their experience. I can't find one though so I'm dating a young slut instead.
If dinosaurs were still around I doubt humans would be so cocky.
I thought about making a ship in a bottle but it looked like too much work so I'm building a Bonsai tree house instead. (All you need is a matchbox and some blu-tack)
I saw Richard Gere in casualty last night. He was having a mole removed.
I think bubble-wrap buys into that whole zit nostalgia market.
My parents wouldn't allow heavy metal in the house when I was a kid. Everything was made of titanium.
Put your hand up if you have bursitis of the shoulders.
I saw a plastic dish sponge in the supermarket that said "scours without scratching". I thought, that's no good, I want something that scratches without scouring. So I got a kitten.
I think people who practice bestiality are cowards. Let's see them having sex with an alligator.
It's true that fat is jollier than thin. Look at bees and wasps.
Wasps are bees that dropped out of hive school .
Easiest way to solve a Rubik's Cube? Leave it out in the sun for a couple of years.
Little Red Riding Hood should have called ahead first.
If I knocked on my grandmother's door and it was opened by a wolf dressed in a nightgown, I'd call the cops.
We don't have all day here - who ISN'T afraid of the big bad wolf?
I have a boxer's alarm clock. If you're not up by the count of ten, you get the day off work.
The fastest way to solve a crossword puzzle? Set fire to it.
Potatoes add a whole new dimension to potato chips.
You know who the lamest American President was? FDR.
If I was in a wheelchair, I would pick up hitchhikers .
I'm a couch apple. We're virtually identical to couch potatoes but nicer smelling.
I just bought a video game video game. It recreates the experience of playing a video game but with less effort involved.
When Edison got the idea for the light bulb did a candle appear over his head?
I have a dog who becomes aggressive whenever he hears classical music. You're fine as long as you don't compose any sudden movements.
A flasher walked up to me in the street yesterday and whipped open his trench coat, but he was fully clothed underneath. The guy basically exposed himself as a fraud.
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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yorolpal
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 00:05:44
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sharke
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 00:20:21
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Hurrah! Dare I ask which?
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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craigb
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 01:50:31
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You have some interesting fetishes.
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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The Maillard Reaction
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 07:24:46
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I enjoy stand up when it's exploring the edge of funny.
Good job.
best regards,
mike
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trimph1
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 08:44:08
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Reminds me of Laugh In's wall... 
The space you have will always be exceeded in direct proportion to the amount of stuff you have...Thornton's Postulate. Bushpianos
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sharke
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 10:29:00
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Let's face it though, I'm no Mitch Hedberg.
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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yorolpal
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 11:00:23
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But then who is (or was).
PS: Bursitis, Lamest, Edison.
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bapu
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 11:36:59
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yorolpal
But then who is (or was).
PS: Bursitis, Lamest, Edison.
+1 Not +1 more joke, +1 for the 3 myolpal mentioned.
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Old55
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 13:08:48
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Some corn, some gooduns. I'd agree with yorolpal's three for the best.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot--hey, who the hell are you guys? X2(X3 pending hardware upgrade), Emulator X2, E-mu 1212M, Virtual String Machine
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sharke
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 13:21:13
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Based on the comments I'm getting so far, I'm going to give up my day job and write a sitcom.
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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UbiquitousBubba
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 13:33:53
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That could be as successful as my Hubble Telescope reality show idea.
Well, I guess I just gave that one away.
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Old55
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 15:21:12
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Well, I sure wouldn't want to get voted off the Hubble! Then again, I'm not a big fan of reality shows.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot--hey, who the hell are you guys? X2(X3 pending hardware upgrade), Emulator X2, E-mu 1212M, Virtual String Machine
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UbiquitousBubba
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 16:34:39
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They opted not to go with my Jersey Shore Bomb Disposal Unit reality show hosted by Dean Cain. The loser had to leave with a bang. A winner was not likely. Dean's chances weren't too good, either.
I think SpikeTV might try to steal the idea, though.
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Dave Modisette
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 20:33:47
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I found a few that I might steal. 
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sharke
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 20:42:58
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Mod Bod
I found a few that I might steal.
Only $50 each Dave 
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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SongCraft
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 21:10:49
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Ya' there's a few good ones. Lucky that I didn't spray the monitor with beverage and becan pieces.
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sharke
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 21:30:04
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I'd often wondered how jokes came about until I tried this. Once your mind locks into the formula (and they are very formulaic after all) they just seem to come out forever. The book had a quote from some standup whose name escapes me, and he said the trick is to write 30 new jokes a day. Do that for a year and you'll have over 10,000 jokes. If only 1% of them are great jokes, that's still 100 great jokes. A standup can make a good living for a year out of 100 funny jokes.
The guy who wrote the book said that he made a living from selling one liners to standups. He'd give them a list of say 100, and they'd buy say 5 for $100 each.
I couldn't do standup though, even if I had great material. I would choke.
JamesWindows 10, Sonar SPlat (64-bit), Intel i7-4930K, 32GB RAM, RME Babyface, AKAI MPK Mini, Roland A-800 Pro, Focusrite VRM Box, Komplete 10 Ultimate, 2012 American Telecaster!
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Bub 
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Re:Speed Bad Joke Writing
2013/01/15 22:15:17
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sharke
Mod Bod
I found a few that I might steal.
Only $50 each Dave
That's why he said he's going to "steal" them. Doh!
"I pulled the head off Elvis, filled Fred up to his pelvis, yaba daba do, the King is gone, and so are you."
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