Steven Wright-isms

 
Some classics there Mike
 
 
I think our very own Milton Jones leans heavily on Wright's work...

• “I’d just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier: ‘you can hide, but you can’t run.’”
• 'Does an Earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe?' Milton Jones
• “When I was young my parents used to say to me: ‘To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices’. And it was true, ’cause they were both druids.”
• “I don’t know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. ’Cause I always get run over.”
• “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They train for that.”
• “The school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A.”
• “As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”
• “When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.”
•  'I used to wonder if, in China, young piano players used to have to learn "Knife and Fork".'
• “My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times”

Yep.  My kind of humor...

I played poker with a deck of tarot cards,  I got a full house and 3 people died.  

I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.  

I met a girl once who told me she was really into Jewish Cowboys.  I introduced myself as Bucky Goldstein.  

Cross country skiing is great - if you live in a small country.

I planted some bird seed and some birds came up.  Now I don't know what to feed them.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.  I was an only child....eventually.

I believe the list below are also from him (I didn't see any of them on that website).
 
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
 
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
 
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
 
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
 
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
 
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
 
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
 
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
 
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
 
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
 
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
 
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
 
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
 
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
 
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
 
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
 
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
 
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
 
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
 
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
 
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
 
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
 
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
 
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
 
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
 
Do fish get cramps after eating?
 
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
 
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
 
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
 
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
 
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
 
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
 
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
 
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
 
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
 
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
 
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
 
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
 
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
 
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as"4's"?
 
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
 
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
 
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
 
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
 
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
 
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
 
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
 
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
 
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
 
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
 
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
 
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
 
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
 
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
 
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
 
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
 
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
 
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.
 
And, finally, one for Bapu to "borrow!"
 
Wherever I go, there I Am!

drewfx1

craigb


I believe the list below are also from him (I didn't see any of them on that website).

 

At least some of these were from George Carlin. But that'd be another thread...

I recognize quite a few from Gallagher.

I went to a 24-hour convenience store.  Just as I got there, the manager was locking the front door.  I asked him, "Aren't you open 24 hours?" 

He replied, "not 24 hours in a row". 



[At least that's how I remember it.] 

Wright and Carlin..... comedy for people with intelligence

space_cowboy

Old55


I went to a 24-hour convenience store.  Just as I got there, the manager was locking the front door.  I asked him, "Aren't you open 24 hours?" 

He replied, "not 24 hours in a row". 



[At least that's how I remember it.] 

I recall "Yes but we didn't say which ones."

Interesting.  "not in a row" is the part I remember best.  I imagine he may have used, "Yes but we didn't say which ones." in another show.