The stupidest things you ever heard

I will start
The Miss Teen America when she was asked about 1/5th of Americans cannot find USA on a map.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

I worked with a guy many years ago, who was not, perhaps, the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He disappeared to the hospital one day when his wife went into labour for their 4th child. The next day we asked him if everything was OK.

'Yeah, fine' he said 'but they couldn't get the baby out, so she had to have a solarium'.

I've heard a lot of stupid ****ing things in my time. I guess the two that stick out in my mind the most at the moment and are causing my head to nearly explode to the point that my ears are ringing from the rise in blood pressure, are these two.

1. From a very well know door and window manufacturer.

"In thirty years I have never seen the interlocks on a patio door deteriorate, perhaps you should have started with a new door."

The above statement was from the representative in an email I received this morning ... which is one year and 6 months after he came to my home, told me the interlock seals were bad, we were well within the warranty, and I would have the replacement parts within 2 weeks ... which I still haven't got one year and 5.5 months after he said I would.

2. My phone call to the IRS 30 days ago after I got a notice that I'm being audited FOR THE THIRD TIME because my X-wife keeps claiming our daughter as a dependent when she knows that she is not legally able to claim her per our divorce agreement.

Bub to IRS agent, "Every year I send in a copy of my divorce papers showing I am legally allowed to claim my daughter as a dependent. Every year my x-wife illegally claims her as well. Why does this keep happening and why do you keep allowing her to do this and why do you keep auditing me?!?!? AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IRS (Internal **** Services), "I'm sorry sir, we don't have access to your federal tax returns.

Bub to IRS agent, "But you're the freaking IRS?!"

IRS (Internal **** Services), "I'm sorry sir, that's a different division of the IRS and because of security we are not allowed to view your returns or any documentation you send in with them. This division automatically gets notified when two or more people claim the same social security number on their federal tax return as a dependent and it triggers an automated request for us to audit all parties.

Bub to IRS agent, "But why do you keep allowing her to do this?!?!?!?!?!?!?! IT'S FRAUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE SENT YOU THE DOCUMENTATION TWICE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS A THIRD TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IRS (Internal **** Services), "I'm sorry sir, we have no control over what other people do and if you continue to yell I can't continue to help you."

Bub to IRS agent, "HELP ME?!!! YOU'RE AUDITING ME BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S FRAUDULENT BEHAVIOR THAT I'VE GIVEN YOU PROOF OF THREE TIMES!"

IRS (Internal **** Services), "I'm sorry sir, we cannot continue to have a conversation if you are going to be unreasonable."

UPDATE: Oh ... I forgot the best part .........

IRS (Internal **** Services), "In order to help you sir we will need a copy of your entire divorce agreement, your 2009 federal tax returns, a copy of your child support order from the court, and proof that you haven't been in arrears in your child support.

Bub to IRS agent, "BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU CANT LOOK AT MY FEDERAL TAX RETURNS BECAUSE OF SECURITY REASONS WHICH IS WHY THIS HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOW YOU'RE ASKING ME FOR A COPY!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE ***K?

IRS (Internal **** Services), *cLiCk*

And you guy's wonder why I'm always so cynical. It's just a never ending barrage of ignorance that I seem to get thrown at me.

Oh omnipotent one in the sky ... I'm sorry ok man? Whatever I did, I'm really sorry and I swear I'll never do it again. I'm on my knees, please stop. Ok? LOL!

Thanks,

Bub.

I got suspended from school for playing truant one time.

That was the best bit of preparation for adult life I ever had I think.

Nothing that was supposed to make sense ever surprised me after that.

Bapu & Mooch having a discussion on the attributes of using Am:

Stupid head!

Yeah... takes one to know one

I know you are but what am I?

I'm rubber , you're glue, it bounces off me and sticks on you....

stupid head...

Jonbouy


I got suspended from school for playing truant one time.

That was the best bit of preparation for adult life I ever had I think.

Nothing that was supposed to make sense ever surprised me after that.

I had that happen too.  It was the only time the school did anything that i appreciated!

Hard to top: "Keep your government hands off my Medicare!".

A former boss on finishing up a project:

"Let's get this football into the end zone and stick a fork in it."

Ya want stupid, you go directly to CSPAN. Oddly enough, you can also get pathetic from there as well, and many times in the same clip.

http://youtu.be/zNZczIgVXjg

Bapu: I get that Grant was buried in Grant's tomb. It's so obvious. I mean I totally understand that.... of course ... Grant... would be the person buried in Grant's Tomb. 

The part I don't get is how if Grant's in a tomb, he fits a microphone in there, and plays guitar on the recordings I send him. That's the part I don't understand. 

The amp, the microphones, the computer and Sonar, all in a tomb. That must be a big tomb. Maybe he does it for the natural echo effect. I am trying to figure this out. Is Grant really in Grant's tomb while he's recording or does he only go in there on occasion when people ask? Like if I call him right now will he be hanging out in the tomb or walking down the street........








this went on and on one day over the phone as I fell asleep......

(shakes head)