Newer joke:

Interview of a Married Man
 
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...

Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)

Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.

Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.

Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.

Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.

Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.

Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.

Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.

Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.

Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.

A pastor is visiting at the nursing home. An elderly woman has a bowl of peanuts on the table. The pastor begins to eat a few as they talk. After visiting for a while he realizes that he has eaten all her peanuts. He apologizes profusely. The woman says, "Don't think of it... It is no problem ... all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anymore.

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

See, a few jokes and the joint is jumping again.

Two crows are sitting on the handles of a basket of corn, eating the corn. One flies away to the east and drops dead. One flies away to the west and drops dead.

Whant is the moral of the story?









Never fly off the handle after eating corn.

(Credits to bedtime stories on WLS: Art Roberts)

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

What's the definition of a pessimist?
 
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
 
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
Tell you what – never again!”