A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” 
 
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”
 
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
 
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
 
  "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
  The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?" "Yes. What can we do for you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood." "Thank you, this will be noted." Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood for you?" "Yeah, they did." "Okay, now it's YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

jbow


A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
 
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
 
  "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
  The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

Chort

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied: "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said: "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded: "They help me sleep."
The doctor thought some more and continued: "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said: "I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night!"

A couple of chortles there, Jbow.  Well done.  

jbow


Fiddlesticks!! Bapu does seem to be well bread.

Ya, he's the toast of the town Coffee House!