So THIS is what happens when my computer is broken for a couple of days!
Looks like I need to reinstall Windows and ALLLLLL those programs and customizations AGAIN on the new SSD - ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Some new memory I bought turned out to be bad and, when the computer attempted to "auto-fix" itself, my new SSD is now rendered unbootable somehow (my old SSD, which I'm using now, still boots so I'm using it to see if there's a fix without losing two days worth of work...).
Yay me.