Dang it - I just discovered this and I think I neeeeeeeeeed it:
http://www.sourceaudio.net/products/toolblox/reflex_universal_exp_controller.php It's basically an expression pedal, but wait there's more:
It has three separate expression outputs that can be set with DIP switches to accommodate whatever TRS/TS plug arrangement a given device needs.
But wait, there's more:
They can also each be set to send a 0-5 volt CV signal for stuff with CV inputs.
But wait, there's more:
You can set the range, response and direction for each of the three, or disable that output altogether.
But wait, there's more:
Each output can instead send an LFO signal, with the pedal position controlling speed or depth of the LFO sent.
But wait, there's more:
It also has MIDI (and class compliant USB MIDI), and it can also send 3 separate additional expression/LFO signals via MIDI.
But wait, there's more:
It has a 7th additional output for controlling other Source Audio pedals.
But wait, there's more:
128 user presets, with all 7 output configurations saved for each.
This has my name written all over it.