Some years ago I read a book someone gave me about the art of comedy, and one of the exercises in it was to write as many one-liners off the top of your head in 10 minutes. I wrote them in a One Note workbook, which I just found while tidying up my document folder. Some of them are BAAAD beyond words, but I think some of them are sort of OK. Verdict? Here they are. Can't believe I'm posting these. If you hear any of them on Comedy Central in the near future, you'll know that whomever tells them is a Sonar user.
God these are soooo cheesy....
My wife's worried that she's getting old. She says, "I have crows feet." I said, "They look perfectly normal to me." I have a pet crow, he's starting to look old - he has people's feet around his eyes. My girlfriend's mother wants some work done on her face and asked me if I knew of a good plastic surgeon. I said no, but I do know of a great cobbler. I'm very attracted to older women. It's their experience. I can't find one though so I'm dating a young slut instead. If dinosaurs were still around I doubt humans would be so cocky. I thought about making a ship in a bottle but it looked like too much work so I'm building a Bonsai tree house instead. (All you need is a matchbox and some blu-tack) I saw Richard Gere in casualty last night. He was having a mole removed. I think bubble-wrap buys into that whole zit nostalgia market. My parents wouldn't allow heavy metal in the house when I was a kid. Everything was made of titanium. Put your hand up if you have bursitis of the shoulders. I saw a plastic dish sponge in the supermarket that said "scours without scratching". I thought, that's no good, I want something that scratches without scouring. So I got a kitten. I think people who practice bestiality are cowards. Let's see them having sex with an alligator. It's true that fat is jollier than thin. Look at bees and wasps. Wasps are bees that dropped out of hive school . Easiest way to solve a Rubik's Cube? Leave it out in the sun for a couple of years. Little Red Riding Hood should have called ahead first. If I knocked on my grandmother's door and it was opened by a wolf dressed in a nightgown, I'd call the cops. We don't have all day here - who ISN'T afraid of the big bad wolf? I have a boxer's alarm clock. If you're not up by the count of ten, you get the day off work. The fastest way to solve a crossword puzzle? Set fire to it. Potatoes add a whole new dimension to potato chips. You know who the lamest American President was? FDR. If I was in a wheelchair, I would pick up hitchhikers . I'm a couch apple. We're virtually identical to couch potatoes but nicer smelling. I just bought a video game video game. It recreates the experience of playing a video game but with less effort involved. When Edison got the idea for the light bulb did a candle appear over his head? I have a dog who becomes aggressive whenever he hears classical music. You're fine as long as you don't compose any sudden movements. A flasher walked up to me in the street yesterday and whipped open his trench coat, but he was fully clothed underneath. The guy basically exposed himself as a fraud.