I have started to take payment for extended apologies for others. This will cover you for everything except outright murder.My rates are reasonable. Only good though Jan 1st. Get yours today!
 
 Disclaimer-Not liable for any excessive poo slinging as a result of this contract.Not liable for any results obtained. Perpetual arses may cost more depending.

Does the victim have to stay dead for the "outright murder" clause to take effect?  Not that I'm admitting to anything, of course.  Hypothetically, is there an exception for Character Assasination?  I'm asking for a friend, you understand.  Not a good friend, though.  I wasn't with him whenever something did or did not happen. 

Purely hypothetically, though, it would seem that cannibalism would be covered by this policy as long as one did not do their own grocery shopping.

I Am Interested! Where's my debit card?

   I think we can add a rider clause to your policy for rare cases of almost murder. In the case of cannabalism we will send the apology to the next of kin. 

 This is all about the apology so who was with whom and were are not important in this case.

Whew! I was worried about the cannibalism thing! GREAT! 

Hmmm, this looks very similar to one of my financial products.
 
I'll have my people look at it and perhaps they will let you settle this out of court.
 
It's unlikely to be a cheap settlement though.

 Thats right Bill the entire process is pretty painless!!!!:-S

Jon-  I'll have my people talk to your people who might then see fit to talk to some other people who may then talk to me....or not. In any case. I apologize for the whole thing.