Don't know if you guy saw the thread started by Julibee the other day in which I chimed in with some of my in-law troubles.

Long story short, one of the last things my father in law said to me a couple months ago was, "I don't need family, I have friends." and we haven't spoken since and I've been feeling bad about it.

The friend he was referring to was named Tom. He lived about an hour or so from me here in Missouri.

He had substance troubles, lived paycheck to paycheck, house falling apart. Couldn't wait for the next paycheck to fill his Harley up to go riding with my father in law.

A while back my father in law asked me if I could fix Tom's stove because he didn't have the money to pay anyone.

So ... feeling bad about not talking to my father in law, I was going to suggest we go visit him and see if I could do anything to help him when the in-laws came down for Christmas.

Got a call today from my mother in law ... Tom's girlfriend came home from work Friday, asked him what he wanted for dinner, he said let's have a pizza, he walked out to the garage and blew his brains out. Just like that. No warning, no signs, no nothing.

Now ... this thread is not about me ... even though I feel like crap. If my father in law and I both wouldn't be so God damn stubborn and would have kept in touch, we more than likely would have made plans by now to go visit Tom and maybe that little glimmer of hope that, you know, maybe someone in this world does give a $hit, he wouldn't have thrown 62 years down the drain in the blink of an eye.

I started this thread to maybe make whoever reads it think twice about sticky family situations you may be in cause you just never know when you're going to turn around and poof ... someones gone. I suppose I better call him tomorrow and see how he's doing.

Bub

 maybe that little glimmer of hope that, you know, maybe someone in this world does give a $hit, 

Indeed, that little glimmer of hope can make a huge difference.
People are like icebergs. You don't always see much of what is going on below the surface.
Somebody (actually a few somebody's) gave me that glimmer of hope. It made a difference.
You can't do anything about Tom. He's already made his call. Make the difference where you can.

Sad story, man.

I remember a friend in high school who didn't really give any warning sign either. Well, he did give away some of his stuff - I had borrowed a book from him a few weeks earlier and when I mentioned I was almost done reading it, he told me to just keep it anyway.

I remember one of us asking him, half-jokingly, if he intended to kill himself or what... It seemed so unlikely that he had absolutely no trouble convincing us that he was absolutely fine, just cleaning up a bit.

A few weeks later on a sunday night, he had dinner w/ the rest of the family as usual then said he was going downstairs to listen to some music - as usual. And then they heard the gun.

Bub, do make that call.  Even if he remains the same, you are not responsible for his actions, but at least you can rest easier for having made the attempt.

I find these stories very sad... It happens that in my own RL situation, every other member of my immediate family died before I reached the age of 21.  It just hurts when people fail to understand how precious family relations are, or given some situations, should be.

If someone in a family is abusive, that calls for a different set of dynamics.

People have to want to change..... you can encourage them but ultimately, they have to want it. 


And yes..... sometimes it is too late. My brother's first wife did that very thing on my birthday many years ago. She left behind 2 young boys and my brother to raise them.... sad situation always, when that happens. Apparently no one saw that coming either. 

Reach out to your father in law and try to rebuild the bridges. It's never too late, until one day,  it is. 

Sad story...

Yeah, look after each other!


Suicide sucks...

Sad, indeed.  Sorry to hear about Tom.  Don't let the feeling of guilt overwhelm you.  Since he did it without any hints of his intention, you probably would not have stopped him.  I hope it gives you a chance to reconnect with your father in-law.  

You make a good point about keeping in touch with family members--not just ones in difficult situations.  How many times have we lost contact with family just because of being busy, distance and time zones.  

 

 I am sorry to hear about what happened Bub. I think you are a fine guy to try and patch things up with your FIL. A lot of people would not have done that.

 It is really unfortunate what your friend decided to do. They say that suicide is one of the most self centered things one can do because  people are connected and the victims are left behind to  deal with the tradgedy but the inner struggles to forgive and go on. The guilt of "if I had only done this or that" maybe it would not have happened. I don't personally believe that modifying our behavior would really change the outcome because it is a choice the person makes for themself.

 I have to wonder what they bring on themself too. Maybe they are made to stay here in limbo until their real time would have come?? Kind of caught between two worlds....I won't comment more don't want to violate TOS.

 I have had a few friends and family do this. In one case the guy was  very well respected in the community but he had "done things" with his daughter and grand daughter..... I guess he couldn't deal with the guilt from that. I can't imagine being in a situation like that nor will I ever be. He took a trip out into the woods with his shotgun. There were other alternatives but he didn't see them apparently.
 My aunt did it too but she was on heavy medication and may not have been in a right mind when it happened,or when she did it.

 Don't beat yourself up over this one Bub. Probably nothing you could have done either way.

 

Bub, When people internalize something that is eating them up they hide it and the more they hide it the harder it is to let anyone know that they need help. You could have rebuilt his whole house and not changed anything that was leading to this tragedy.

He obviously was very unhappy with what he had become. You and your FIL could have gone over and fixed some stuff... but you wouldn't have been able to fix him. He had a wall around the problem and his need, you would not have been allowed to see anything unless he decided to lower the wall, become vulnerable, and ask for help.. and he was not able to do that. His burden was too much for him to bear alone and he could not ask for help for some reason.

You get none of the blame for this tragedy.

I've seen it before and usually no one has a clue that it is coming. They act pretty much normal until one day, one moment... they are gone. It is sad and a tragedy.

J