Strummy, I know you are right in large part. I know it and I always have.  At the risk of opening myself up to needless psychoanalysis (I know what's up, and yet I continue) and spilling my guts online too much...

First thing to understand is how we came to be.  He was my Professor in a small town, Presbyterian affiliated college (not me, but the college).  A new hire.  A young, fresh out of grad school prof.  Crazy intelligent.  Full ride to Yale for Pete's sakes.  Wild at heart girl with big ideas and a mind of her own.

Except..... We weren't allowed to be together.  Against the rules in the biggest of ways.  We met in secret, we drove an hour and half away to go out on the rare date.  It was always on his terms.  It had to be or it couldn't have existed.  Our roles were set the moment he walked into the classroom.  He was the teacher, I was the student.  It didn't occur to me at the time that it would always remain that way. It was very hard for a long time, loving him and yet being subjected to feeling like I was less than he, because I didn't have all of his knowledge, etc... Until eventually, it faded and now I hear him saying things to our kids like, "Your mother is the most intelligent woman I've ever met. She just KNOWS things I could never look up in a book..." (actual conversation with kid one). There are still things that drive me crazy-- his insistence on "correcting" me in proper French pronunciation when I had no intention of saying something in Proper French to begin with (who, besides Rain, says 'Croissant' in a perfect accent at the donut shop?) that sort of thing-- but he is handy when I want to talk about the larger meanings in life as I'm wont to do. I do love that about him.  He has an ego the size of the world and a temper of a kettle of popcorn on the stove.  I suppose I do, too.  But I am much quicker to yell and be done with it and move on and feel better than he. 

I should have known the first time he saw me perform to be wary of his musical support... I sang Bobby McGee at Homecoming Revue, and the crowd, my friends, went wild.  We werent even together yet... I was still in his class (relationship began the next semester). His response? "A little over the top". Of course it was.  It was JANIS for crying out loud. But, at the time, he was just a really nice prof with a nice smile, so, whatever. But it unknowingly set a precedent.  

It's so strange to not feel like the person you love and who loves you fully appreciates your art.  I have very occasionally heard things from him like, "You know I like your songs.  This is a nice one" but I'm so tired of asking and looking for approval, that I've just stopped.  And I'm so full of doubts on my own.... I mean there are things that I know about myself, but as for an individual song or effort... It's scary.  

And that's why I'm here.  You guys give me something I don't always have and should.  And now I'm crying and wishing I could make things different, and I can't.  

I should have gone to New York to sing like I'd always wanted to and trusted him to follow ME.  But I didn't.

Beep, bless your heart (for real), There will be no flowers this evening, I'm sure.  It has happened on occassion.  But I sincerely doubt this is one of them.  I've just spoken to him on the phone, and I'm pretty sure he was blissfully unaware.  It's ok.  You guys made it better.

sending love Julibee.
You are truly a talent - believe in yourself.

We're here for you, Jules.  He doesn't have to appreciate your art--some people just don't get it.  As long as he loves you and doesn't prevent you from doing what you love, it's OK.  We appreciate your art.  Keep at it. 

My wife was a stay at home mom while are kids were not yet in school. We wouldn't have had it any other way. After they started school she did the PTA thing and some other school related things, but eventually she wanted to go back to work. She has a great career now, and is taking classes towards another degree. Keep your eyes open Jules. Things have a way of happening that we never expect.

Bub, as for inlaws.......oh man. 10 years ago I quit a lucrative job with one of the largest companies in the world without notice. I won a substantial amount of money in a poker tournament, and decided to try a become a professional poker player. Quit my job the next day. Try running that one by a father inlaw who has been a logger all his life. It's gotten better as the years go by, but man o man those first couple of years were tough. I stayed home during the day and got the kids off to school, took care of the house, and played poker at night. He just couldn't relate and I don't blame him, but once he saw the results of the income I was making he came around somewhat. Keep your eyes open too. Things always change.

Randy

*Mental note to self - Never play cards with Randy...*

Jules, my sincerest apologies if I upset you in any way - I'd never do that knowingly.

I just saw something of me (in a different life) in what you said. Having been through many years of being on the 'receiving end' of sh1t like that, and eventually ending up as shell of my former self suffering from crippling depression and chronic anxiety because of it, I felt I had to say what I said.

I'm certainly no psychoanalyst, I just hate seeing anybody being made to feel unjustifiably 'uncomfortable'.

rsp@odyssey.net

Bub, as for inlaws.......oh man. 10 years ago I quit a lucrative job with one of the largest companies in the world without notice. I won a substantial amount of money in a poker tournament, and decided to try a become a professional poker player. Quit my job the next day. Try running that one by a father inlaw who has been a logger all his life. It's gotten better as the years go by, but man o man those first couple of years were tough. I stayed home during the day and got the kids off to school, took care of the house, and played poker at night. He just couldn't relate and I don't blame him, but once he saw the results of the income I was making he came around somewhat. Keep your eyes open too. Things always change.

Randy

I can almost understand their concern ... but as in every in-law type situation ... it's really none of their beezwax.

Even when I was working I got no respect from him, even when I was making more than my wife. He's just the kind of person that thinks he knows what's best for everyone, and the whole world is stupid compared to him. You can't reason with people like that and I learned very early on to just ignore him. I usually just let what he says roll off my back, but this last time he went too far.

They basically forced themselves upon me to come up and help 'get my house ready to sell' with the notion in mind that I couldn't do it by myself. The last time they came up 'to help' he laid in to me for a good hour telling me how worthless I was and I didn't do anything to improve the house. I guess the brand new double basement doors, new trim, new side porch I built, stripped, sanded, and restained front porch, powered washed siding and back porch, and new carpet didn't count? I bet I spent well over $5,000 grand getting the house ready in just two months. I didn't say a word to him because I know how he is. He gets madder and madder the more passive you get. In other words, I let him hang himself.

And ya know what, the last thing he said to me before him and his wife drove off was, "You're going to lose $30,000 dollars on this **cking place. You didn't do a *od damn thing here." ... the very next day, I sold my house to the first couple that came to look at it ... for full asking price, they paid the closing costs, and waived inspection ... he hasn't spoken a word to me since ... oh, correction ... he called to have me go pick up a new Harley he bought because he didn't want to put the miles on his pickup truck. The wife answered the phone and I told her, loud enough so he could hear, that I was done with him and to hang up the phone so we could finish packing. See ... I didn't find that out until recently because the women were trying to make me feel bad. I was under the impression he called to 'make up' and then I was the bad guy, and started feeling bad. My mother in law let it slip the other day that he called to see if I could pick up his new Harley for him. I just shook my head in disbelief.

The women are trying to get us to get together for Thanksgiving ... I don't want to. I'd rather stay home by myself with my dogs and go to McDonald's. Gods honest truth. I don't like leaving them home alone that long anyway and they can't go there because they have hard wood floors and they aren't allowed inside their house. Plus they have cats and my girls aren't used to them.

I'm complaining and all ... but it's really not that big of a deal to me. Just venting ... I was pretty tweaked at the time, but if he called me now I'd talk to him like nothing was wrong. I don't hold grudges for very long. I just said that because I know my wife reads the forums to check up on me when she's on the road. Hi dear.

@Julibee (sorry for calling you Julie hehe :) ) ... hope today is going better for you ... didn't mean to sidetrack the thread in any way, but it is a hot topic. :)

Off to Lowe's to pick up some PEX stuff to replace all the plumbing in the laundry room. The previous owners broke the washing machine hookup when they disconnected their washer and left it dripping water all down the wall in to the basement. I got the wrong connectors when I was there this morning ... then I gotta run new wire to the dryer, it's pre 1996 wire with no ground, not good IMO, then I have to remove the countertops. We're getting new ones next week and I saved a few hundred bucks by agreeing to remove the old ones myself. I guess these are just more of those little things I do that don't count ... ;) I wonder how much money I'll lose when we sell this place. LOL!

SteveStrummerUK


Jules, my sincerest apologies if I upset you in any way - I'd never do that knowingly.

I just saw something of me (in a different life) in what you said. Having been through many years of being on the 'receiving end' of sh1t like that, and eventually ending up as shell of my former self suffering from crippling depression and chronic anxiety because of it, I felt I had to say what I said.

I'm certainly no psychoanalyst, I just hate seeing anybody being made to feel unjustifiably 'uncomfortable'.

No, no, my friend. You did NOT upset me.  I have much too strong an ego to ever feel that weight for long.  I DID drink all the iced tea before he came home, and did not make more for supper.  Sorry, Dr.  ;) see how evil I am??? LOL!

Bub, if you needed to vent and I provided the venue, then I'm glad for it.  I wish I had some advice, but being the good girl that I am, all I could say is to kill them with kindness.  Usually works for me.  Unless I live with you. Then I'm likely to let you have it but good.  And then... Forget all about it.

(I sincerely enjoyed the side note on the Julie vs Lisa vs Julibee business.  Craig just knows that I don't care for "Julie", and prefer either my full name, "Julianna" or "Jules" or "J".  But I'm not going to say anything here if someone uses it. My forum name is actually what my dad calls me... More JulIHbee, than JuliEbee, but how would anyone know that from the spelling?) :)

@Bub and Julibee - Don't let the turkeys get you down! 

(And, thanks, for confirming my choice to be single for now. ;-)