Twinkies are just a Warm-Up Act

2017/08/11 21:46:50

outland144k

http://theweek.com/speedr...e-recovered-antarctica

A 100 year old fruitcake. This speaks for itself.

2017/08/13 18:19:07

craigb

Looks like it's completely ready to be re-gifted this next Christmas!

2017/08/14 01:38:38

outland144k

craigb
Looks like it's completely ready to be re-gifted this next Christmas!

There is the "Legend of the First Fruitcake". Gather round, Buoys and Gulls, as I retell it for Ye.

You have probably heard of the "Three Wisemen".

What you may not know, is that there were originally not three, but four Wisemen: Gaspar, Melchior, Balthazar, and Herb. When Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar called on Herb to tell him it was time to leave, Herb, being a notoriously ineffectual packer (he never could decide on just what to bring along), told them to go on ahead without him. Reluctantly, as the Big Three knew that Herb, in addition to being a terrible packer, was also really bad with directions, Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar did finally leave after waiting an extra two and a half days for Herb to get his act together. Finally, more than a week later, Herb eventually left. Needless to say, Herb did get lost and ended up in Milwaukee, catching a couple of Bucks games at the BMO Harris Bradley Center, before continuing on. Somewhere around Easton, PA, Herb realized that he had neglected to bring a present as he remembered that Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar brought Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh for the family. He stopped at a Walmart to procure a gift, but unfortunately, he had the bad misfortune to shop on the day after Black Friday. The only item left after the totally civilized and orderly Black Friday Sale (see actual footage of the sale below) was over was unfortunately one lowly fruitcake in a slightly dented tin. Herb bought the fruitcake, intending to wrap a bow around the dent, but the store was out of these as well. Undaunted, he travelled on.

Finally, over a year and many other wrong turns later, on the day that commemorates the Festival of Sleep (January 3), Herb arrived at his destination (after a lengthy nap), having tracked down the Holy family in Bethlehem (PA. I did mention that Herb was bad with directions, right?) He presented Mary with the fruitcake which was none the worse for wear from the travel (although the tin did sustain a few more dents as it had fallen off the camel twice). Mary, being unsure just what to say, given the magnanimous nature of this unexpected gift, thanked Herb, while beneficently trying to think of a person to whom she could re-gift this extravagant present. As soon as Herb left, Mary, out of the pure and selfless generosity of her heart, gave the fruitcake to her mother-in-law, Mrs. Edith Holy. Mary's mother-in-law, inspired by her daughter-in-law's selfless act, gave the fruitcake to her mailman. He, of course, following in the stream of generosity that this gift seemed to enkindle, passed on this indescribable gift to the Roman soldier whose post was at the end of the road.

And so it goes. Legend has it that somewhere in the world, that original fruitcake is still being passed around as it incites in those who receive it an overwhelming desire to pass peace on earth and goodwill to others (sometimes late at night when no one can see just who it is leaving a fruitcake on the porch and not even Google Maps can pick you up on camera).