ORIGINAL: space_cowboy

Hah
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Yeah, I'd like to be able to spend half the time underwater too

Guy walks into a bar with his dog. The Oilers (or whatever football team you want to pick on at the moment) are playing on the television over the bar. They complete a first down, and the dog does a backflip. The bartender says "wow, that is impressive." The man says "yeah, old blue really loves watching the Oilers play." Then the team scores a touchdown, and the dog does two backflips. The bartender says "wow, I can't believe it. That is some dog you've got there. So what does he do when they win a game?" The man says "I don't know, I've only had him 10 years."

A little boy gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent’s bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "..and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

A pregnant woman from Oklahoma gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Arkansas came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.

The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they're getting on really well.

They are just about to take the A-Roads "back to their place" when a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table.

Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've blown it with the A-Roads.

The first A-road asks the Motorway "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that pink piece of tarmac walked in -- you're supposed to be the king of the roads?".

The Motorway replies, "WHY? That guy's a bleedin' Cycle Path!!"

A guy walks into a piano bar and has a seat at the end of the bar. On the other end sits a monkey in overalls with a tin cup. The piano players says,"I'm going to sing my first tune its called My balls are so long they dangle in the poopy water." When he is done playing the monkey goes down the bar shoving the cup in front of everyone. People are shoving money like crazy in the cup. The monkey gets to the guy at the end of the bar and he says, "I'm not give you any money for that crappy song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again but the man refuses to pay. The piano player says," Now for my next song. This is a tune I wrote called My balls are large and hairy." When he is done the monkey goes down the bar collecting money in the tin cup. People once again are shoving money like crazy. The guy at the end of the bar says, "I'm not paying for that stupid song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again. The mans says, "No!" The monkey stands up drops his overalls and washes his balls in the man's beer. Now angry the man walks over to the piano player and says,"Hey do you know your monkey is washing his balls in my beer!" The piano player says," know it, I wrote it!"

ORIGINAL: drumstixkev

A guy walks into a piano bar and has a seat at the end of the bar. On the other end sits a monkey in overalls with a tin cup. The piano players says,"I'm going to sing my first tune its called I like to rub poop on my balls." When he is done playing the monkey goes down the bar shoving the cup in front of everyone. People are shoving money like crazy in the cup. The monkey gets to the guy at the end of the bar and he says, "I'm not give you any money for that crappy song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again but the man refuses to pay. The piano player says," Now for my next song. This is a tune I wrote called My balls are large and hairy." When he is done the monkey goes down the bar collecting money in the tin cup. People once again are shoving money like crazy. The guy at the end of the bar says, "I'm not paying for that stupid song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again. The mans says, "No!" The monkey stands up drops his overalls and washes his balls in the man's beer. Now angry the man walks over to the piano player and says,"Hey do you know your monkey is washing his balls in my beer!" The piano player says," know it, I wrote it!"

Someone stole my intestines the other day.










I was gutted.

Apologies in advance ........