ORIGINAL: space_cowboy

Once I was talking with my girlfriend (and you guys know how painful that can be). She said - "I'm going to go look at cars tomorrow." Being a guy, I replied "Hey, why don't I come along so a man can help you?"

She got very offended. "That is so sexist. Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I am ignorant about cars. I understand the differences in the service requirements, reliability, gas mileage, resale value ... "on and on and on (you know how she is).

I responded "I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to upset you. It was sexist and I realize it. Please forgive me. What kind of car are you thinking about buying?"

She responded confidently "A red one".

A blonde just manages to push her broken down BMW onto a service station forecourt.

"I've no idea what happenned" she told the mechanic, "It just conked out - and I know there's fuel in it"

The mechanic tells her to go and get a cup of coffee while he takes a look at the engine.

Ten minutes later he tells her it's fixed.

"Well darling" he says "Crap in the carburettor"

"Oh right - and how many times a week do I have to do that?"

A penguin has problems with his car. He takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "its gonna be about 30 minutes. You might wanna wait over at the Baskin Robbins across the street". The penguin loves ice cream and takes the advice. He orders himself a big bowl of vanilla. 30 minutes later, he walks back over to the mechanic, ice cream dripping from his beak and chin. He looks down at the mechanic and says "Well, what's it look like?" The mechanic slides out from under the car and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "No no, its just a little ice cream."

The low fat diet was actually started in China by a man named LoFat. It was back in the times when they all had those big round bellies which was sign of wealth and prosperity.
Well Lofat decided he was going to slim and trim and changed his eating habits. He got thinner and thinner until he lost that big belly. His freinds and associates became concerned and thought he was ill. Everyday they would pass by his house and ask his wife... Lofat die yet?

Man goes to the doctor with a frog growing out of his nose.

Surprised doctor says 'Well, well, what have we here?

Frog says: 'Dunno really, it started out as just a small spot on my arse'.

What are Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Michael Jackson expecting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze.

I don't have one, but I feel like c%&p today.
Stomach flu, arrrrgh.
<edit: t really did beat the c%&p outta me last night>

ORIGINAL: bapu

I don't have one, but I feel like c%&p today.
Stomach flu, arrrrgh.
<edit: t really did beat the c%&p outta me last night>

Oi - make sure it ain't Swine Flu before you upload any more bass stems

Viruses I don't need

A man walks into a bar in Belfast carrying a package under one of his arms. The bartender anxiously asks the man what's in the package and the man answers "Well, it's just a couple of pounds of Semtex". Relieved the bartender says "Thank you Jesus, I thought it was a bodhran".

Viruses I don't need

All my bass stems are double sterlized and given a colonoscopy for good measure just be for shipping them off the internets.

<edit: the colonsocopy cleans the c%&p out for sure>