ORIGINAL: Legion

A man walks into a bar in Belfast carrying a package under one of his arms. The bartender anxiously asks the man what's in the package and the man answers "Well, it's just a couple of pounds of Semtex". Relieved the bartender says "Thank you Jesus, I thought it was a bodhran".

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
 
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
 
"Recently I stopped at a petrol station and came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
 
I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!''
 
St. Peter was impressed. 'When did this happen?'
 
'About 17 seconds ago.'

Halloween. A man hears his door bell rings, answers it to see a kid dressed in black with a patch over one eye.
"Frick or freat!" the kid yells.
"What?" the man asks. "Frick or freat? Do you mean trick or treat?"
"Yeah, trick or treat" the boy replies.
The man dumps a handful of candy into the boy's proferred sack.
"So, what are you dressed as?" asked the man.
The kid says "I'm a mirate."
The man looks at the kid, "Do you mean pirate?"
"Pirate, yeah, I'm a pirate".
The man says "Well, if you're a pirate, where are your buccaneers?"
The kid points to his ears; "Here's my buckin' ears, where's your buckin' eyes?"
 
 

Let me see. Related to music + crap joke =

Spotting a horse turd on a country road, and lured by the remnants of a meal of oats, albeit altered by the digestive process, a sparrow lands and begins to partake of the feast. Overjoyed by his good fortune and having stuffed himself on the repast, he breaks into song of celebration. Unfortunately a passing fox is attracted to the song, and approaches the bird at flank speed. The sparrow attempts to take flight in his usual escape strategy, but finds the added weight of the meal makes this impossible and is himself devoured.

Moral: Keep your mouth shut when you are full of crap.

oops..been posted already.

More pirates:
A 16-year old boy ran away from home and decided to become a pirate, so he headed down to the docks to sign up.
He found a pirate ship off-loading their latest booty haul and went to speak with the captain.
"Sure, you can join us", said the captain. "Talk to the bos'n over there and have him show you around".
The bos'n led him on a tour of the ship, the poop deck, the riggings, the cannon.
"Now, you know that men get urges, right? and when they're at sea for many months, those urges can get unbearable" said the bos'n.
"See that barrel over there?" The boy looked and saw a barrel with a hole in it.
"Every night but Wednesday, you can put it in that hole and have those urges satisfied."
"Why can't I do it on Wednesday?" asked the boy.
"That's your night in the barrel".
 

I like your style!