I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She started crying, I felt really bad. I told her to take it like a man. She said, " You mean in the @ss/"

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
 
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing.
 
[The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing.
 
At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
 
Finally the drunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper in here either!”

A man enters the confessional and relates to the priest, "Father, I'm 88-years-old and have been married for over 60 years to the same woman and have never been unfaithful. Last night I strayed and had the best sex of my life with the 22-year-old daughter of my neighbor".
"Confession is good for the soul", said Father Joe.
"Oh, I'm not confessing, Father. I'm Jewish".
"Then why did you tell me that story?" asked the priest.
The man exclaimed, "I'm telling everybody!"
 

A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog.
 
The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc. Can you do something for him?"
 
At this point, the vet calls out "Kevin, can you come in here".
 
A few seconds later a cat comes sauntering into the room. The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out.
 
"What's the diagnosis Kevin" the vet says and picks up his cat. The cat whispers something in the vet's ear.
 
"Kevin's worked out what's wrong with your dog. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have any more problems."
 
Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the mail: $10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.
 
The man rushes to the phone and calls the vet.
 
"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's the $450.00 for??"
 
The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan."
 
  
  
  
  
 

And here I was thinking Mamabear had a crap joke.

OK, this isn't a crap joke, but it makes me smile. I'll keep looking... :-) 


You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

8.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

9.) Super glue is forever.

10.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

11.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

12.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

13.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

14.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

15.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
16.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

17.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

18.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Two men were fishing when Bob says "Bill, I'm thinking of divorcing my wife. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 months".
"Don't do that, Bob" said Bill. "Women like that are hard to find".

 Janet......Does that bleach and brake fluid thing really work?

I'll have to try that next time I'm "working" in the shed.   But I'll do it outside in the yard.

You mean you haven't tried it yet?