There were two budgies sat on a perch.
 
One says to the other: "Can you smell fish?"

18.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Mamabear

Which means 20% are wise enough not to try.
 

18.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Exactly what crossed my mind when I first read it.


The following are attributed to the late, great Tommy Cooper:



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

He he - priceless stuff Colin
 
Big fan of Tommy Cooper myself (who isn't!)

OK, this isn't a crap joke, but it makes me smile. I'll keep looking... :-)

 
You get five smileys for that one Mambear! 

Cool.  I'm not sure I've gotten 5 smilies before!

Hey, I finally got my phone working (had to get an unlock code, transfer the numbers, etc., etc., etc.)  I may PM you about a few questions.  Actually the help file on the phone was more helpful than the 276 pg. manual, but I still might look the manual over a little bit now that the phone's working.  :-)

Glad to hear you're figuring out the phone. I'll be there.

This rich businessman decided he wanted to be even richer (don't they all?) so he had himself cloned.
It worked out great except for one thing, the clone had a filthy mouth. Every other word was %#&@! or &%@!! &#@&^!!!
As his bank account grew over the years, and customer complaints piled up about the clone's language, the businessman decided he was rich enough and he didn't need the clone anymore. He took his clone to the top floor of his 92-story building and threw him off it.
The cops arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.

A woman introduced her husband to a new colleague at the office. Later, her colleague said, 'You and him don't seem to have much in common. Why did you get married?'
 
The woman replied, 'It was a case of opposites attract - he wasn't pregnant and I was.'

 That's not funny, but it is.  :-)