"My wife just bought a slinky new dress - but it only works when she comes downstairs"
 
 
 
 
 
With thanks to Milton Jones on tonights episode of 'Mock The Week'
 
 

A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'

Thanks Steve! 

 
A wife came home early one day to find her husband in bed with another woman.
 
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard where she put his p*n*s in a vice. She then secured it tightly in the jaws and snapped off the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.
 
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
 
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are - I'm going to set fire to the shed"
 
 

<snort>

bapu


<snort>

 
You back on the bocaine again Capsi
 
 
 
 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 

'It is!' 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 

'I do!' 

'Is he a member of your congregation?' 

'He is!' 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 

'He will.'