Q: What did the student study when he changed fields from particle physics to geology?

A: Earthquarks.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. 
  
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'I have $600, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. 

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. 

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '

The brunette explains, 
'My sister's blonde. The word is big. 
She'll read it very slowly.... ' 
  
com-for-da- bul.

That one makes me chuckle every time.  :-)

Old guy on his death bed and a room full of kids and his
wife standing by and he's looking at the red headed one, and only one..
honey, yes she says...please tell me before I go, is Red my son too?
She replied, Yes darling, he's the only one.

A woman is practicing yoga in the nude.  She has both legs pinned behind her head.  A mouse runs across the floor towards her and enters her privates.  Her legs are stuck behind her head and she doesn't know what to do to get the mouse out.  Her husband, having witnessed the event decides that they should call the doctor.  He'll know what to do.

So he calls the doctor and explains how the mouse entered his wife's privates and how they can't get it out.  The doctor says "Ok.  Here's what you do.  Grab a piece of string about 18" long and tie a piece of cheese to the end of it.  Dangle it in front of your wife's privates.  The mouse will see the cheese and come out to get it.  Meanwhile I'll be right over - I want to see this!"

30 minutes later the doctor arrives to find the wife with her legs pinned behind her head, completely naked.  Her husband is sitting in front of her dangling a piece of string with a chunk of tuna fish tied to the end of it.

The doctor says "Hold on now.  I told you to use a piece of cheese to get the mouse out."

The husband replies "I know doc.  I used the cheese.  Mouse saw the cheese.  Cat saw the mouse.  Now we have a whole new ballgame".

Probably the cleanest version of that joke I've ever seen in my life...

EDIT: still funny though

    A married couple was traveling by car from Walton
 Ky. to Jacksonville Fl. Being Seniors, after almost eleven
 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and
 decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for
 four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked
 out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for
 $350.00.
 
   The man explodes and demands to know why the
 charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a
 nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for
 four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the
 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the
 Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to him, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for us to use.
 'But we didn't use them," the husband said.
 ''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
 explained the Manager.
 
    The Manager went on to explain that the couple
 could also have taken in one of the shows for which the
 hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers
  from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform
 here," the Manager says.
 
    "But we didn't go to any of those
 shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and
 you could have," the Manager replied.
 
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the
 husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the
 husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the
 check book he asked his wife to write the check.

    She did and gave it to the Manager.
 
    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
 check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for
 $50.00."
 
    ''That's correct. I charged you
 $300.00 for sleeping with me,"
  she replied.

   "But I didn't!" exclaims the
 Manager.

   "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could
 have."
====================================

[font="'times new roman'"] Don't mess with senior citizens. They
 didn't get there by being stupid!
 

 
In view of the current water shortage in Ireland, Dublin city council have decided to close lanes 4 and 5 of the municipal swimming pool.

When is a synth player not like a door?

When he's a Jarre.

Guy sitting in a bar and his friend walks in, sits down and says "Hey let's talk about
China!" . China? the guy asks....before we do that lets talk about crap. Ok he says...
Well tell me, have you ever noticed how rabbit crap is like little tiny balls?...yeah he says...do you know why? No, his friend replies.
Well how about cow crap....the way it stacks like patties...do you know why?
No his friend replies....Well how about horse crap...the way it's clumps up and piles up like a stack of balls....you know why? No, his friend replies.....
Well friend, it seems to me you don't know crap about crap and you want to talk about China?
Now that's a crap joke.