I lifted this from the last Prarie Home Companion joke show.
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn't want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women's husbands called the other and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Lord Tim


I'd always thought Edward Woodward was the sound you heard when you farted in the bathtub.

No, a underwater fart is named afterthe sound it makes, it's called a "Bork"

Yep, the babbling bork works for me.

 
Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I always eat hot dogs in six seconds...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
....so it doesn't get weird
 
 

 
What's the difference between a Doner Kebab and Justin Bieber?
 
 
 
 
A Doner Kebab has pubic hair on it.
 
 
 
 

A Proton's Story

He awoke in the field.  A somehow familiar field.  Though surrounded by negativity, he was strangely attracted.  He tried his best to be positive, and get to the center of things.  "Up an Atom", he said, vibrating with excitement.  Suddenly, as he was settling in with a couple Gluons, he spotted a fast neutron on the event horizon.  "I'm going to have to split now", he said.  And so he did...

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee...


...when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this
may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
.

 
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs
 
 
 
 

SteveStrummerUK

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Great, now I gotta go get a thumb pump.

Bub

SteveStrummerUK

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 
 
Great, now I gotta go get a thumb pump.

Sorry Bub, save your money - it was a typo
 
 
Apparently, the average man's pen is three times the length of his thumb