A magician is working on a ship cruising the Mediterranean. Because the audience is different between ports the magician performs mostly the same magic tricks.

Unfortunately for the magician the captain's parrot saw every shows every week and learned all the tricks. This wouldn't have been a problem however the parrot began sharing the tricks with the audience.

For example (in Parrot's voice) "Look, it's not the same deck of cards!", "He has two rabbits, one is under the table", "All the cards are hearts" etc.

Of course the magician was furious but if he tried anything with the parrot he would lose his job.

One day the ship hit a rock and sank. As luck would have it the parrot and the magician both found themselves clinging to the same plank miles out at sea in the middle of nowhere.

They stared at each other for days but neither said a word. Just as it seemed as if the one would speak the silence would continue. Finally after a week the parrot finally gave in,


"Ok, I give up, where did you hide the boat?"

Two flys are sitting on a dog stool.

One fly cuts a fart.

The other says, "Hey!!, I'm eatin over here!!"

A man is flying across country and there is a parrot in the seat next to him. 

The stewardess comes by to take drink orders and and the man orders a scotch and water.  The parrot orders a gin and tonic and says "and make it snappy you stupid *****!  The stewardess  gets flustered and brings the parrot his drink but forgets the man's scotch and water.  The man says "you forgot my drink now make it snappy you stupid *****!"  

By this time the poor stewardess has had enough and calls the captain.  The captain says he won't stand for abuse to his crew and throws the parrot and the man off the plane.

As they are free falling the parrot says to the man "you know, you're kind of mouthy for someone without wings."

@ Olpal

Food happens!

Alimentary, My dear Watson.

 
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
 
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
 
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
 
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
 
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
 
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
 
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
 
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
 
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

 
 
 
 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..'

Shocking!

It seems the police arrested two men last night. One had swallowed some battery acid and the second had eaten a box of fireworks. The super charged the first and let the other one off...

What kind of cheese should you use to entice a bear out of the woods?






















Camembert!!