Columbus Ohio

craigb


Columbus Ohio

ROR!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?






.....
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).









....

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 
LOL
 
 
 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat on the floor of her dining room and feasted on shrimp, caviar, and a bottle of wine. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. 


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 


When the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. 

Then slowly, the house began to smell. 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. 

Nothing worked! 

People stopped coming over to visit. 

Repairmen refused to work in the house. 

The maid quit. 


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. 


Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

They had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. 
  
He told her the saga of the smelly house. She  listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. 
  
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ 

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods. 

So this guy in his first year at Oxford, walks up to an upperclassman.  "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where the library is at?".  "My good man", says the upperclassman, "Here at Oxford we don't end sentences with prepositions".  "Oh, I'm so sorry", says the Freshman.  "Let me re-phrase that.  Can you tell me where the library is at, a**hole?"

Puns- These just arrived fresh from the 'Groanarama.'   Some I've seen or heard before, but they seemed bad enoungh to include here {Pssst- check out #10}:

1.    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


 

2.    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


 

3.    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


 

4.    Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


 

5.    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.


 

6.    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


 

7.    A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in   Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


 

8.    A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


 

9.    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


 

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Letter on the Fridge
            
Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning: 

Dear Honey,
 
            You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can
no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. 
 
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I
will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't
be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

*********************************************

When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table: 

Dear Husband,
 
            I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years
old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  As you know,
I am a math teacher at our local college.  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.  He is young,
virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
 
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in
the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18.  Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

A neutrino walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Can I help you?"  
The neutrino replies "No thanks, I'm just passing through."

A quantum particle walks into a bar.  The bartender says "I see you're in a state".  The particle says "Don't look at me.  Pretend I'm not here.  Or else I'll move".